4 days ago
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Posted On: October 15th 2026, 12:37 am
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It isn’t that men don’t want to have these conversations.
Most of the blokes I work with want it sorted more than she does. They lie there at night thinking about it. They rehearse it in the car.
Then they walk inside and say nothing.
Two reasons, and neither of them is that he doesn’t care.
He hasn’t got the tools. Nobody showed him how to start a hard conversation without it turning into a fight, so the only version he can picture is the one that goes badly.
And he’s scared of making it worse. Things are tense but stable, and raising it feels like kicking something that’s only just holding together.
So he says nothing. And here’s what that actually does.
Avoidance doesn’t keep the peace, it compounds. Every conversation you dodge this month becomes two next year, and by then she’s stopped expecting you to start either of them.
The shutdown you’re trying to avoid causing is the exact thing the avoiding creates.
So here’s where to start.
1. Are we okay
“I’ve felt like we’ve been a bit off lately and I’d rather ask than keep guessing. Are we alright?”
2. The drinking
“I’ve been thinking about how much I’m drinking. I want to hear what you’ve noticed, even the stuff you’ve been sitting on.”
3. The thing that never got finished
“I know we moved past what happened, but I don’t think I ever properly owned it. Can I do that now?”
4. Money
“I want us to look at this together. Not because something’s wrong. Because I don’t want it to stay a thing we avoid.”
5. Intimacy
“I miss being close to you and I don’t want to make it about sex. What’s been getting in the way for you?”
6. The load
“I think you’ve been carrying more than me for a long time and I’ve let that happen. What would actually take something off you?”
7. I’m struggling
“I’m not doing great and I’ve been hiding it. I don’t need you to fix anything. I just didn’t want to keep pretending.”
Notice what none of them start with.
Not one opens with the word you. They all start with I or we, because that first word decides whether she feels invited or ambushed.
You go first, and you go without a defence.
Save this if you value from it and follow @benlowecoaching and @tiarnylowe for more
Most of the blokes I work with want it sorted more than she does. They lie there at night thinking about it. They rehearse it in the car.
Then they walk inside and say nothing.
Two reasons, and neither of them is that he doesn’t care.
He hasn’t got the tools. Nobody showed him how to start a hard conversation without it turning into a fight, so the only version he can picture is the one that goes badly.
And he’s scared of making it worse. Things are tense but stable, and raising it feels like kicking something that’s only just holding together.
So he says nothing. And here’s what that actually does.
Avoidance doesn’t keep the peace, it compounds. Every conversation you dodge this month becomes two next year, and by then she’s stopped expecting you to start either of them.
The shutdown you’re trying to avoid causing is the exact thing the avoiding creates.
So here’s where to start.
1. Are we okay
“I’ve felt like we’ve been a bit off lately and I’d rather ask than keep guessing. Are we alright?”
2. The drinking
“I’ve been thinking about how much I’m drinking. I want to hear what you’ve noticed, even the stuff you’ve been sitting on.”
3. The thing that never got finished
“I know we moved past what happened, but I don’t think I ever properly owned it. Can I do that now?”
4. Money
“I want us to look at this together. Not because something’s wrong. Because I don’t want it to stay a thing we avoid.”
5. Intimacy
“I miss being close to you and I don’t want to make it about sex. What’s been getting in the way for you?”
6. The load
“I think you’ve been carrying more than me for a long time and I’ve let that happen. What would actually take something off you?”
7. I’m struggling
“I’m not doing great and I’ve been hiding it. I don’t need you to fix anything. I just didn’t want to keep pretending.”
Notice what none of them start with.
Not one opens with the word you. They all start with I or we, because that first word decides whether she feels invited or ambushed.
You go first, and you go without a defence.
Save this if you value from it and follow @benlowecoaching and @tiarnylowe for more
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