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Ben Lowe - Mens Leadership & Relationship Coach

@benlowecoaching

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I help high performers & business owners break self-sabotage for good & save their relationship in 30 days or less🚀
🎙️ @modernpartnership
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She wasn’t always like this.

There was a version of her that was affectionate and playful and fully present in the relationship, who reached for you and tried and gave her whole self to something she genuinely believed in.

And she stayed that way through a lot. Through the first broken promises and the second and the third. Through the relapses and the apologies and the periods of hope that something had finally shifted.

But eventually the gap between whoyou said you would be and who you kept showing up as became too wide to keep bridging on hope alone.

And she shut down.

Not dramatically. Not as a decision she made consciously. Just gradually, as a protective response to years of evidence that staying emotionally open in this relationship meant absorbing pain that never stopped coming. Her nervous system did what nervous systems do when they’ve been hurt enough times in the same way. It closed off the part of her that kept getting damaged.

And most men experience it as her just switching off or becoming difficult or withholding something she used to give freely without understanding that what they’re looking at is the accumulated cost of everything they kept doing while she kept trying to hold the relationship together.

She doesn’t want to be shut down. She wants to feel safe enough to open back up. But safety isn’t rebuilt through words at this point because words have been the currency of every broken promise that got her here and they’ve lost their value completely.

It gets rebuilt through consistent action over time. Through being a man whose behaviour finally matches what he says he’s going to be for long enough that her nervous system starts to believe the threat has actually gone.

If you can see your relationship in this, comment LEADER below. I’ll send you the exact steps hundreds of men have followed to rebuild trust and bring her back before she’s shut down for good. by @benlowecoaching

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5 months ago

Accountability

It’s not about what everyone sees but more importantly the little moment only you know about.

I nearly allowed myself to go back on my word because I was feeling tired. I was feeling burnt out. We’ve had a big week but I know that those small inaction would’ve affected me down the line because self-worth isn’t built in the big gestures it’s built in the small moments.

Think about it as a bank account. Deposits are the promises You keep to yourself. The withdrawals are ones that you break and at the end of the day end of the week or end of the year you’re left with a balance.

You’re either in a surplus or a deficit depending on those small moments where you make the decision to back yourself or go back on your word.

If that’s what self-worth is, where’s your balance currently sitting? by @benlowecoaching

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12 hours ago

The health system is failing so many people.

Of course there’s a place for it. But when did we fall this far off track?

A system built around KPIs instead of the health of actual human beings is the problem. We’re all just cogs in the machine, and we experienced that first hand yesterday on what was meant to be a quick trip to the hospital.

From the minute we walked in we were rushed into a birthing suite and had vaccination paperwork jammed down our throats. The moment we declined the vaccinations and started asking questions about vitamin K and the actual statistics around infants affected by vitamin K deficiency bleeding, we were made to feel like criminals.

Tiarny and I have a clear birth plan and a clear vision for how we want our son to come into this world. What we got instead was a process built around whatever was most efficient and convenient for the hospital. And bear in mind, we are self funded, in a private hospital.

As things went on, the midwives pushed harder and harder toward a caesarean. If we hadn’t invested in educating ourselves around birth with @belly2birth , I honestly believe we would have been pressured, coerced and manipulated into one.

Massive shout out to Shari from @belly2birth for the work she does and the way she educates.

I genuinely believe every couple going through a pregnancy should invest in a proper birth education so they actually understand what’s available to them.

Because if you don’t know your options, you have none. by @benlowecoaching

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2 days ago

To become a good man, part of me had to die.

The old me had no right being a father…

I don’t say that for effect. Fifteen years into addiction, eight of them on ice, six trips to prison. I had no idea who I was so I filled the gap with whatever was easiest, and the second things got hard I’d run away.

That was the whole personality. Walk in, fuck shit up, leave.

The morning it changed I woke up with a black eye from a blue with my housemate and my car crashed into the front fence of my own house.

I dragged myself along the wall to the bathroom basin to stop the room spinning, looked up into the mirror and said out loud “IM SICK OF THIS SHIT”.

Here’s the part nobody warns you about though.

I got clean and I was still the same bloke. The drugs were gone. But my patterns were the same. I was sober and still dissociated, still chasing highs, still wrecking things and still convinced I wasn’t the problem.

So what actually changed it wasn’t getting sober...

It was keeping small promises to myself until I had evidence I wasn’t who I’d always thought I was. 5 years worth of doing exactly what I said i would. Setting a MISOGI each year and completing it every time no matter what. Every one of them a deposit to my self-worth which had been in a deficit my whole life.

And once that account had something in it, the old behaviour stopped showing up. Because it was no longer who I was.

Then I had to change the people around me, because you can’t outgrow an environment while you’re still standing in it.

And the last bit, the one I’d never have admitted back then. I had to let people teach me. I didn’t work any of this out on my own, I’m not that clever. Someone had to show me, and I had to be willing to be seen while I was learning.

That’s what bought me this.

A wife who doesn’t have to manage her way around me. Kids who don’t avoid me when I come through the door. A second son on the way, and a first one who gets to watch his dad do it properly.

It’s never too late and It starts with the next promise you keep.

Know a man who needs to hear this?

Save this reel - share it with him and make sure you’re following @benlowecoaching for more by @benlowecoaching

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3 days ago

Lessons from labour

Slow down

Enjoy every moment

Don’t rush the process

@tiarnylowe and I are both such high performers that sometimes we forget to slow down and just enjoy life.

Our due date was 11/10 and for the last week we have both felt lost.

We attached ourselves to the outcome and had expectations of how things should happen.

The moment we took our hands off the wheel and said “it’s up to you” it became so much more enjoyable.

Grateful for this last week of slowing down and surrendering to the process and excited to meet our little guy.

What have been the biggest lessons your kids have taught you?

Let us know below in the comments❤️ by @benlowecoaching

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3 days ago

Couples therapy works for plenty of couples. Just not usually the ones who come to us.

Here’s why.

Couples therapy treats the relationship. But for most of the couples we see, the relationship was never the problem. It’s two people carrying their own unresolved stuff into one house, and the relationship is just where it shows up.

Work on the relationship while both people stay exactly the same and you’re mediating between two people who’ll break the agreement by Thursday.

Then there’s the maths. Fifty minutes a week in a room where you’re both on your best behaviour, against a hundred and sixty seven hours of being yourselves. Nothing said in the fifty beats the hundred and sixty seven.

But the biggest one is neutrality.

A good couples therapist won’t take a side, and that’s exactly right when it’s two people miscommunicating. It’s a disaster when one person’s behaviour is the actual cause.

Neutral ground turns “your drinking is wrecking our family” into “you two have different communication styles.” He walks out feeling let off the hook. She walks out wondering if she’s the problem after all. Nothing’s changed except her hope.

And the homework assumes something neither of you has yet. You can’t use a communication technique while you’re still angry. You can’t schedule intimacy with someone you don’t feel safe with. The tools are fine but only if the foundation is built for them.

So here’s what we do instead.

He does his own work with me. She does hers with Tiarny. Both at the same time, both with someone who has actually lived it. Then we bring you back together.

Fix the two people and the relationship changes on its own.

Skip it and you’ll be having the exact same argument in ten years, just with better vocabulary.

If you’re sick of living like housemates and you’re both ready to fix it, comment RELATIONSHIP and we’ll show you how we help the couples we work with turn it around in 30 days or less. by @benlowecoaching

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4 days ago

Everyone says they want to earn a million dollars a year, and @harveyriversofficial reckons that goal on its own will never get you out of bed on the hard days, because a number doesn’t mean anything until you know what’s sitting underneath it.

His exercise is to take whatever you think you want and ask yourself why ten or eleven times in a row, and keep going until you hit the answer that actually hits you in the chest.

When Harvey did it, a million dollars turned into financial freedom, which turned into more time, which turned into supporting his family, and when he kept digging he found the real reason, which is that his mum raised him on her own in a working-class home and worked her backside off her whole life, and he wants to pay off her mortgage so she never has to struggle through retirement.

Once that became the reason, the size of the number stopped mattering, because every day he gets a little better than he was yesterday he’s one step closer to paying off his mum’s house.

If your goals aren’t pulling you forward anymore, sit down tonight with a pen, write the goal at the top of the page and keep asking why until you find the one that’s worth getting up for.

The full episode with Harvey, @benlowecoaching and @tiarnylowe is out now on the @modernpartnership podcast, on YouTube and Spotify with the link in our bio.

📌 Save this so you can do the exercise tonight, and send it to someone who’s chasing a number without knowing why. by @benlowecoaching

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4 days ago

It isn’t that men don’t want to have these conversations.

Most of the blokes I work with want it sorted more than she does. They lie there at night thinking about it. They rehearse it in the car.

Then they walk inside and say nothing.

Two reasons, and neither of them is that he doesn’t care.

He hasn’t got the tools. Nobody showed him how to start a hard conversation without it turning into a fight, so the only version he can picture is the one that goes badly.

And he’s scared of making it worse. Things are tense but stable, and raising it feels like kicking something that’s only just holding together.

So he says nothing. And here’s what that actually does.

Avoidance doesn’t keep the peace, it compounds. Every conversation you dodge this month becomes two next year, and by then she’s stopped expecting you to start either of them.

The shutdown you’re trying to avoid causing is the exact thing the avoiding creates.

So here’s where to start.

1. Are we okay
“I’ve felt like we’ve been a bit off lately and I’d rather ask than keep guessing. Are we alright?”

2. The drinking
“I’ve been thinking about how much I’m drinking. I want to hear what you’ve noticed, even the stuff you’ve been sitting on.”

3. The thing that never got finished
“I know we moved past what happened, but I don’t think I ever properly owned it. Can I do that now?”

4. Money
“I want us to look at this together. Not because something’s wrong. Because I don’t want it to stay a thing we avoid.”

5. Intimacy
“I miss being close to you and I don’t want to make it about sex. What’s been getting in the way for you?”

6. The load
“I think you’ve been carrying more than me for a long time and I’ve let that happen. What would actually take something off you?”

7. I’m struggling
“I’m not doing great and I’ve been hiding it. I don’t need you to fix anything. I just didn’t want to keep pretending.”

Notice what none of them start with.

Not one opens with the word you. They all start with I or we, because that first word decides whether she feels invited or ambushed.

You go first, and you go without a defence.

Save this if you value from it and follow @benlowecoaching and @tiarnylowe for more by @benlowecoaching

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4 days ago

Everyone has discipline.

Most of us are just serving the wrong master…

I’m sure you never missed the Friday night beers with your mates or going to get your nails and lashes done on a Thursday for the weekend.

So no one has a discipline issue - they have a prioritisation problem.

The most disciplined I’ve ever been was as a drug addict - I never missed a day of getting high.

Not saying that’s a good thing by any means but it gives some perspective to what the real issue is.

Your daily actions will show what youre disciplined towards and you can change that anytime by shifting your priorities.

Do you agree with this?

Let me know in the comments 👇🏽 by @benlowecoaching

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4 days ago

This is how 👇🏽

Most men run that audit on the worst night of the month.

Big fight, silent house, lying there at 1am doing the maths on five years. That’s the least reliable moment you will ever ask it, and for a lot of blokes it’s the only moment they ever do.

Run it across years, not nights. Anyone can make your life worse for a fortnight. You’re looking for the trend, not the week.

But there’s a bigger problem with the audit, and it’s in how you score it.

Your health, your mates, your money. Have a proper look at what actually caused the slide there, because most of the time it wasn’t her. It was how you’ve been coping with it. The drinking. The extra hours at work. The shutting down. The disappearing out to the shed.

The relationship got hard, you handled it badly, and then you quietly put that damage on her side of the ledger.

Which brings me to the flip.

Has she been better or worse since you.

Is she healthier. Does she still see her mates. Does she still have a life that’s actually hers. Does she still say what she thinks without checking your face first. Does she laugh the way she used to.

Most men never ask it, and it isn’t because it hasn’t occurred to them. It’s because the answer turns up in about four seconds and they’d rather not be holding it.

Here’s the part that matters though.

You can’t honestly answer “should I stay” while you’re still part of the reason it’s hard. You’d be making a call on a relationship that’s never properly been given a go.

Fix your side of her ledger first. Then ask the question.

Because her side of yours is the one thing in this entire audit you can change on your own, starting tonight.

My wife and I help couples who’ve tried everything and are still stuck rebuild their relationship from the ground up and come out stronger than they were before it fell apart.

Comment RELATIONSHIP and we’ll show you how. by @benlowecoaching

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5 days ago

This is something every father needs to hear 👇🏽

The damage drinking does to your ability to parent is never only about the big nights out, it’s in all the small moments you aren’t emotionally present for.

@harveyriversofficial challenges every man to walk in the door tonight, put their phone in a drawer and leave it there, because you’ll start noticing things about your kids you’ve been missing for months.

Give it a few nights and you’ll find yourself on the floor playing doctors or some ridiculous game they’ve made up, and that happens because they can finally see your head is up and you’re actually with them.

Your kids aren’t asking for a holiday or a big gesture, they just want you to be there when you’re in the room with them.

The full episode with Harvey, @benlowecoaching and @tiarnylowe is out now on the @modernpartnership podcast, on YouTube and Spotify with the link in our bio.

If you know a dad who needs to hear this…

Save this reel, share it with him and give @modernpartnership a follow for more honest conversations around relationships, parenting and business by @benlowecoaching

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5 days ago

Every one of these is the easy option wearing a nice shirt.

1. You stuffed up, so you bought her something
Sit down instead. Have the honest conversation and own the thing you actually did. The gift was never for her. It was so you didn’t have to say it out loud.

2. You promised it’d be different this time
Promises are worth nothing on their own. Back them with actions or don’t make them, because if you never follow through you’ve taught her not to believe a word out of your mouth. She’s not being cynical. She’s being accurate.

3. You kept the peace
Have the hard conversation. Anything left unsaid doesn’t disappear, it turns into resentment, and resentment turns into bitterness, and bitterness is where relationships go to die.

4. You got jealous
Own your own insecurity first, because that’s whose it is. This was never about who she’s talking to. It’s yours, it’s surfaced, and you’ve pointed it at her.

5. You went big and intense
That’s not love. That’s a need to prove yourself and hold her attention, and underneath it is a fear that she’s going to leave. Big gestures are what men do when they’re scared, not when they’re solid.

6. You did everything so she’d never have to ask
That’s people pleasing, and people pleasing is low grade manipulation. You’re trying to get your need for love met by doing things for someone else and quietly expecting it back. That’s a covert contract, not being a nice bloke.

7. You never fight
You’re not avoiding conflict, you’re stockpiling it. Everything swept under the rug is still in the room, and eventually there’s more under the rug than there is relationship.

8. You said you’d do anything for her
That’s a man buying himself more time. If you’d genuinely do anything, do the one thing she’s actually asked for. You already know what it is.

Here’s what they’ve all got in common.

The top one is easy. You can do it today and feel alright about yourself by tonight.

The bottom one means getting uncomfortable and facing some of what you’ve already done.

That’s the only difference between them. And it’s the whole difference.

Save this and send it to someone who needs it. by @benlowecoaching

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5 days ago