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Sama

@samayasserr_

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40 Days.

I miss the way you say my name, and the way you smile at me as if I'm the only person in the world who matters.

I miss being able to say, 'My sister lives right next door because she made sure she's still close to me even when she moved out'.

I miss calling you and hearing you say 'Eh ya kookie akalty ana amlalek akl' as if I'm your 10 year old daughter.

I miss telling you how Baba's getting on my nerves and wait for you to fix everything between us.

I miss you shaming me for not seeing you enough, and telling me 'Kan nefsy ab'a menna kan zamanek mohtama beya'.

I miss your scent and how hugging you made me feel like I made it home.

I miss telling you stories that you can never relate to but would always laugh about anything that I say.

I miss you every second of every day, your soul haunts me in a way that is so personal and so beautiful, a way I could never let go of, a way that makes me learn how to breathe.

40 Days of feeling my heart shatter with every day that passes.
40 Days and I still don't know to do this life without you. by @samayasserr_

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a day ago

A month.

There's an unspoken quarry between the older sibling and the younger.

The older remembers meeting you, but you only remember them being there. Put that into perspective and maybe glance at my world.

I had a shield, a protector, a god-given gift that I never asked for. I had someone that always held me at the swings when I was 2, they felt warm, protective, as if they're only here to make me feel safe. Someone so profoundly great that picturing a life without them feels bare.

I feel bare.
Amputated.

Ripped off of a part of me that I cannot physically touch, I cannot look at nor smell. I can only feel that it's gone. I can only feel that I'm bare.

And now a month has passed and my amputated limb isn't healing. My scars aren't drying up, and my wounds aren't moulded. A month has gone by and I'm at a loss of everything that felt human. A month has gone by and it feels like I'm being amputated every day in a different way.

I guess this is my way of saying I miss you.
I guess this is my way of saying I need you.
I guess this is my way of saying I love you.

A month. by @samayasserr_

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11 days ago

You were crying so hard that you were leaving me on your wedding day.
I didn't know why, you were only 3 mins away from me.

Now you left, and it's your birthday, and I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do at all.

You taught me the art of giving gifts, and the only gifts I've ever given were for you. You taught me how a sentimental value is much more valuable, and with all the sentiment in the world I've given you every emotion in me.

I still don't know what to do.

You taught me that a phone call at 12 AM is enough because it shows I care, and when 12 AM hit, my whole world collapsed. I couldn't cry because I thought it was selfish so I wished you the happiest of birthdays up there.

Because I still don't know what to do.

Happy Birthday ya Lamlouma.

My heart agonisingly craves you, as it always will. by @samayasserr_

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21 days ago

'I'm very sorry for your loss'
'Rabena yesabarko w yorbot ala alboko'
'Shedy heilek enty addaha'
'El baraka feeky'
'Emseky nafsek ashan babaky'

These are a few phrases of what I have heard over the past few days. I don't need to explain a background story, I think by now whoever reads this knows what it's about.

It's about my sister dying.

My sister is dead.

Read it again because I can't.

My one person, the single person in this whole entire world that made me feel I belong to someone, that I genuinely have a caregiver, a maternal caregiver to be exact.

Can your mind fathom?
A mom dying leaving her two daughters, they've lived together as 3 their whole lives. Her eldest getting married and giving birth to the most beautiful baby girl, and her youngest adapting to the drastic life change living alone in her family home.

So life went on. The two sisters adapted as much as they could, cried as much as they could, the eldest kept raising her younger sister even though she's only 5 years younger than her. But Lama was different, it wasn't as if a big sister is doing what should be done, it was as if this was what she was born to do.

Take care of her little sister.

For the past 26 years of my life, 4 of them without a mother, my sister was everything I had, I was everything she had, and the rest is history.

She was my mother before she was a mother to her child. She was my light and I was her anchor. She was my saviour, and my guardian angel. And I promise you am not trying to be poetic.

This was the last day I saw Lama. At our cousin's wedding, we rarely took pictures together, but that day we took a ton.

Ironic isn't it?
Taking unusual family portraits that now look like memorial candids. Nonsensical, yet adds up.

To say this is 'loss' is an offence. To say this is 'heartbreak' is insensitive.
I think the one thing people told me that actually resonated with me was 'Mesh aref aolek eh'

My mother died on 28/01/2022
My only sister died on 03/09/2026

I think I died way before that.

Rabena yeddy babaya el sehha daeman w abadan 🫶🏻

Thank you for your prayers and your kind words.

I hope none of you lives pain like this. by @samayasserr_

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a month ago

one&only family member 🤭 by @samayasserr_

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3 years ago

أمي🖤 by @samayasserr_

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8 years ago