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Shonna Dexter

@shonna.dexter

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Creator of @recreatingrays @sunlesslegacy
My midlife musings.
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National Sobriety Day 2026 // Day 1 // Day 2448

Forever grateful I made the one hard decision that completely changed my life. 🤍

Almost seven years older. Definitely seven years BETTER…and forever GRATEFUL. by @shonna.dexter

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13 days ago

I don’t talk about my sobriety because I think I’m any better than anyone who drinks.

I talk about my sobriety because I lived in silent shame for decades, and I KNOW there are people following me who feel the same way today that I did then.

Sobriety is trending.

Nearly seven years ago when I quit drinking, people weren’t talking nearly as openly about alcohol-free lifestyles, sober curiosity or simply choosing not to drink.

Now they are. And I think that’s incredible! I love it!

But I’ve noticed something that still bothers me.

So often, when people talk about why they stopped drinking, they’re quick to clarify: “But I didn’t have a problem.”

And I understand why. Nobody wants a label they don’t identify with.

But I also think that sentence unintentionally keeps alcohol use disorder wrapped in shame.

It creates an “us versus them.”

The people who simply decided alcohol wasn’t serving them anymore so they quit.

And the people who had a problem.

Yes, I was one of the people who had a problem.

Alcohol had far more control over my life than I wanted anyone to know. I spent years making rules for myself, breaking them, trying again, wondering why everyone else seemed to be able to drink normally when I couldn’t.

I was deeply ashamed of that and that shame kept me quiet for a very long time.

So when I talk about being sober, I’m not trying to convince anyone else to stop drinking. I’m not judging what’s in anyone else’s glass.

I’m talking to the woman who is lying awake at 3 am wondering if she drinks too much.

The woman who keeps making rules about when or how much she’ll drink…and breaking them.

The woman who looks at people living happily without alcohol and quietly wonders if she could do it too.

You don’t have to call yourself an alcoholic.

You don’t have to hit rock bottom.

You don’t have to explain or defend your relationship with alcohol to anyone.

But if you do have a problem?

There is no shame in that either.

And maybe the more of us who are willing to say that out loud, the fewer people will have to spend decades feeling ashamed and alone like I did. 🧡 by @shonna.dexter

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22 days ago

C H S / I O P 2 0 2 6 🩵 Our happy place was mostly rainy 🌧️ and cloudy…and we loved it just as much as always. I really don’t know how to describe how these five days on the beach with my favorite person and my favorite band make me feel in my soul…but we go back year after year for a reason. ✨ My heart is happy and full. Until next year… taken in Isle of Palms, South Carolina by @shonna.dexter

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24 days ago

19 years married to the absolute best man I know. 🤍 Every single day I am grateful for you and this beautiful life we’ve built together @just_dext . 2007 us couldn’t have ever DREAMED of the life we live today.

Thank you for challenging me to be the best version of myself and for standing by me as I’ve struggled through so much over the last two years. I’m so lucky to be married to a man who acknowledges my hardships and shows empathy for things he cannot possibly understand.

Thank you for growing with me instead of apart.

You are the very best thing that could have ever happened to me. I’m forever grateful I found you. I love you. 🤍 by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

I was diagnosed with ADHD last fall at age 48.

I thought I was going to understand why I lose my phone while I’m actually holding it.

What I did not anticipate was questioning nearly everything I thought I knew about myself.

Was I actually “good under pressure”…or had I just spent most of my life functioning with a nervous system that thought everything was an emergency?

Was I a high achiever because I was ambitious…or because achievement made me feel safe and worthy?

Was I “too sensitive”…or was there actually a reason rejection felt so enormous to me?

Who even knew “Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria” was a thing? My therapist, evidently.

And which parts of my “personality” were ADHD? Which parts were coping mechanisms? Which parts were just…me?

I still don’t know.

Getting diagnosed in midlife has made me look back at nearly five decades of my life with completely different eyes.

There’s been grief. A lot of “HOW DID NOBODY KNOW THIS? How did I not know this?”

And there’s been slightly more compassion for the versions of myself I spent years trying to fix.

But honestly? I’m still trying to fix a lot of them and many times I’m less compassionate with myself than I probably should be.

Because understanding why my brain does something doesn’t make it less frustrating when it makes my life significantly harder.

A diagnosis gave me an explanation…but it sure as hell didn’t give me a different brain.

So I’m still trying to figure out how to understand myself without pretending I love every part of what I do now understand. by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

Somewhere along the way…my definition of a good life drastically changed.

I used to think a good life was exciting and always on-the-go.

Now I know a good life is peaceful.

And I say this all the time, but one of the things I’m most proud of is that I’ve intentionally created a life I don’t need a vacation from.

Now don’t get me wrong…I LOVE vacation.

I love traveling. I love beautiful places. I love sitting on a beach with a book and absolutely nowhere I need to be. And I love hiking the deserts of Arizona or the mountains of the PNW because let’s be honest…Kansas City isn’t exactly a hiking hot spot.

But I don’t need to escape my real life to enjoy myself anymore. I don’t live for those days away like I once did.

I like drinking coffee with my husband every morning.

I like going for walks on my favorite trails.

I like working out and feeling strong.

I like our home.

I LOVE my work.

I like going to bed early and waking up early.

I like having fewer plans.

I like a smaller circle.

I like quiet.

I like peace.

25-year-old me would have thought this version of a good life sounded boring as hell.

49-year-old me knows better.

Excitement is great.

But peace and contentment?

That’s fucking luxurious.

And maybe that’s one of my favorite things about getting older.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to build a life that looked good…and started building a life that feels good for ME to live. 🩵 by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

He humored me tonight. ❤️ Our happy place. taken in Isle of Palms, South Carolina by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

I haven’t had a drink in 2425 days.

And one of the things I didn’t expect about getting sober was how much it would change the way we vacation.

There was a time when our vacations revolved around drinking. Drinks by the pool. Drinks with dinner. Drinks with breakfast because…vacation!

But these days?

One of the things I look forward to most is waking up before the rest of the island does and walking out to the pier to watch the sun come up with Justin.

We leave for the beach this week, and I’ve already been thinking about those mornings. We both have.

Coffee. Quiet. Ocean. Sunrise.

But more than anything? Gratitude.

I don’t miss waking up wondering how bad I’m going to feel. And I definitely don’t miss trying to piece together parts of the night before.

Vacation looks very different now.

Turns out I like this version better. 🧡 taken in Isle of Palms, South Carolina by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

A U G U S T 2 0 2 6 … A week early because the last week will be deserving of its own post. ☀️🌴🌊 A month of lots of change and lots of JOY! Grateful…always. 🤍 by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

I think I’ve got more to say about this. 😉

After my post the other day, I kept thinking about the responses I got. Lots of “you’re beautiful!” and “aging is a privilege!”

And YES. Aging is a privilege. That is definitely not lost on me and sometimes my gratitude for that privilege overwhelms me to the point of tears.

And I’m also not looking for anyone to convince me I’m beautiful…though your compliments are accepted with gratitude.

That’s actually not what I’m wrestling with, though.

I’m wondering if there’s a messy middle of aging that we don’t talk about enough.

I can love so many things about getting older…and not love everything about looking or feeling older.

I can love myself and still have complicated feelings about the person looking back at me in the mirror every day.

Maybe we don’t need to be relentlessly positive about aging OR relentlessly fight it.

Maybe we need aging neutrality.

Two things can be true…right? 🤍 by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

I took this picture Wednesday to see what my hair looked like in natural light and immediately thought, “Looks pretty good.”

And then my eyes went straight to my neck.

And suddenly it was all I could see.

I’m 49. I turn 50 next March, and lately I’ve been thinking about how complicated it is to be a woman at this age.

I love myself more than I ever have…and I also pick myself apart more than I ever have.

I’m more confident than I’ve ever been…and somehow I can still feel like the girl who’s afraid of what everyone else thinks of her.

Yesterday on my mental health walk, I started thinking about what it must be like to be a teenage girl growing up with social media. The hormones. The changing body. The identity crisis. Looking in the mirror and not always loving what you see while being bombarded with images of what you’re supposedly supposed to look like.

And I thought…being a nearly 50-year-old woman on social media sometimes doesn’t feel all that different.

Except now I have almost 50 years of wisdom to remind me that my changing body isn’t the most interesting thing about me.

I know that.

And I still looked at this picture and saw nothing but my neck. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Both things can be true.

I’m starting to think that’s what a lot of midlife is…finally being wise enough to know better while discovering you’re still human enough to struggle anyway. by @shonna.dexter

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a month ago

J U L Y 2 0 2 6 was rather uneventful. Just how I like it. 🤍 by @shonna.dexter

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2 months ago