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Shydel James

@shythewriter

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Carletta’s son.
#jetsettingshy

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i hope i said i love you enough. by @shythewriter

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20

4 years ago

happy birthday, ma. ⁣
⁣
i miss you doesn’t even begin to cover it. ⁣
⁣
life is messy and strange and incomplete without you here. ⁣
⁣
i cry daily. dream of you often. i catch myself walking in your grace. speaking your language. embodying your mannerisms. ⁣
⁣
i’m constantly in search of a connection. ⁣
⁣
i drink from your favorite mug. ⁣
i wear your jewelry. ⁣
i still smell the scent of your perfume on your robe. ⁣
⁣
through the grace of god and the support and love of some really amazing human beings, i’ve been able to put one foot in front of the other. some days i choose joy and thrive. some days the sadness swallows me whole. but rest assured, every time i stumble and fall, there’s always someone here to help pick me back up.⁣
⁣
seven months later, and this all still feels unreal. like i’m stuck in a bad dream, waiting to wake up. like i’m hovering over someone else’s life, watching the worst thing possible unfold.⁣
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and the reality checks? they’re brutal and full of nots: not being able to hear you sing to me on my birthday. not being able to send you flowers on mother’s day. not being able to tell you all about my new job. not being able to hop on facetime to show you my new apartment. not being able to countdown the days until our next family trip. not being able to shower you with hugs and love today: your 60th birthday. ⁣
⁣
someone once told me that grieving the loss of a mother takes a lifetime. well … “ain’t no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things, too.”⁣
⁣
so today, despite the sadness and the nots, i celebrate your life — in all its many forms, shapes and sizes. ⁣
⁣
i love you. ⁣
happy birthday, ma. ⁣
i miss you doesn’t even begin to cover it. ❤️ by @shythewriter

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18

4 years ago

here’s a video of my mama recorded on march 5, 2021. she was waiting outside of my door to surprise me after having secretly flown from baltimore to LA. ⁣
⁣
after the hell that was 2020, a year that upended most of our plans and stole so much of our quality time, this was the early birthday gift, the tight embrace, the act of love i so desperately needed. ⁣
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needless to say, i was overjoyed to see her, and this moment instantly became one of my most cherished memories. ⁣
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and now, exactly a year later, my hero, my rock, my light, my biggest cheerleader, my voice of support and reason, my favorite girl is gone.⁣
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i thought i had more time. ⁣
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to know me is to know my mama is my everything. i don’t know life without her by my side. my heart is shattered. the pain is unbearable. the sadness is deep. the grief is intolerable. i don’t know how i’ll ever recover from this loss. ⁣
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create memories. ⁣
hug the people you love. ⁣
⁣
💔 by @shythewriter

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39

5 years ago

i lived in los angeles for 4 years.

it’s also been 4 years since i left.

still feels like home every time i land.

bicoastal era loading soon… 🤞🏾 taken in Los Angeles, California by @shythewriter

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7

5 months ago

another year means another birthday, huh? i’m still untethered. i’m still cycling through conflicting emotions. still, i choose joy and welcome whimsy and practice gratitude. still, forever and always, carletta’s birthday boy. 🙏🏾💕 by @shythewriter

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7 months ago

the boy is mine w/ the bestie @jerzcitybullcity. taken in Charlotte, North Carolina by @shythewriter

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7

a year ago

a month-long sojourn in spain was the perfect way to cap off the summer. back again next year... for an even longer stay. 🤞🏾 #jetsettingshy taken in Spain by @shythewriter

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11

a year ago

i miss our talks. the talks about deep stuff. the talks about nothing. the talks we had while you shampooed and deep conditioned the hell out of my hair. my god, i miss so so so so so so many things. so very much. the grief is easier to feel than it is to measure. but so is the love. so is the love. i’m grateful for it all. happy birthday, ma. by @shythewriter

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9

a year ago

some days i want to stay in the pain because it’s comfortable, it’s a connection. because not feeling the pain feels like losing her all over again. but then i remember that my love for my mother isn’t measured by my suffering. that inviting joy in won’t diminish the love, nor will it lessen the depth of my grief. ain’t that something?! whew! i’m living proof that my mama existed. that means it’s my birthright to let this little light of mine shine. ✨ taken in Austin, Texas by @shythewriter

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4

a year ago

grip the kitchen counter. #grief taken in Baltimore, Maryland by @shythewriter

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2 years ago

from bed to beach in 47 seconds. now that’s my kind of monday morning commute. #jetsettingshy taken in Isla de Roatan, Honduras by @shythewriter

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2 years ago

another year around the sun means another chance to practice gratitude and choose joy. i’m thankful. 💫✨ taken in New York City, USA by @shythewriter

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2 years ago