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![Painting a circular gradient with acrylic (and gradient in general) has humbled me beyond the depths of my ego. the last image is the digital version I made to plan it out... And gurl what the heck is that blue. Of the total time spent on this painting, 40% was spent just trying to get that color and 55% on trying to make the gradients. 4% on drinking water and 1% on the figures.
My intuition with this self teaching method says that I'm gonna have to stick to being in the ugly phase for a long time. And I'm pretty excited about that actually becoz everything is silly and pushing color around with a brush is all it is.
About the painting, these days I've been in a scary loop of receiving advice and realising it's not helpful over and over again until paralysis. It's like looking at someone who is apparently on the other side of struggle and almost in a different world, like I have to prepare myself to go into the impossible unknown. But I've realised that the only path available to me is the path of presence and perseverance. And the successful person isn't living in a different world. The path they tell of is a wall that has windows but no gates. What do I really want? Because if it's success, that is not equal to truth.
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Acrylic on 8x8 canvas
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[ Existentialism, Perfectionism, Blue, Illusion ] by @slowtron.art](https://scontent-sjc3-1.cdninstagram.com/v/t51.82787-15/863112766_17974995507139042_392538196434599572_n.webp?stp=dst-jpg_e35_s640x640_tt6&_nc_cat=103&ccb=7-5&_nc_sid=18de74&efg=eyJlZmdfdGFnIjoiQ0FST1VTRUxfSVRFTS5iZXN0X2ltYWdlX3VybGdlbi5DMyJ9&_nc_ohc=h_xgWhWSJ24Q7kNvwED1zq6&_nc_oc=Adof_Zkg0TVDpqxg5FbHwx3GRJksHJDm-AZ3-BhiBSsWOoLX_0snr6UrfJ5sBvqcv5dhDWBLw7RaUlQdDGsfBgie&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.cdninstagram.com&_nc_gid=922Rs7sWEeQVy1YDHj1S8w&_nc_ss=70289&oh=00_AQRwhaIQA0EXnvl4mDdCV_CQ4sL8jt_BdyJLRamZLTCJRg&oe=6AF00F8D)
![these fucked up days... i don't remember what is the point of making anything. it's not like i can help anyone, im not motivated by views, not motivated by appreciation, not even motivated by understanding. i don't have any concepts or anything to say and all the ideas I noted down in sparkly moments now feel stale. its almost like what right do i have to use these materials if they're not resulting in somehow solving a problem. what the fuck is that about. i hate this gormint. i hate that im somehow both innocent and complicit for the state of my surroundings. i hate that i don't have the skills to translate my ideals. i am full of hate. but a little bit of actually talking to a friend and a little bit of crying later... it's plain to see that all that hate is but disfigured love. so here's an apple because everyday my dad scoffs until i eat one, im a bad apple, a is for apple and apple is red.
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dedicated to @eessaayy
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[ Mix media painting, mental health, bad apple ] by @slowtron.art](https://scontent-sjc6-1.cdninstagram.com/v/t51.82787-15/836570740_17971963797139042_4963830145296027347_n.webp?stp=dst-jpg_e35_s640x640_tt6&_nc_cat=102&ccb=7-5&_nc_sid=18de74&efg=eyJlZmdfdGFnIjoiQ0FST1VTRUxfSVRFTS5iZXN0X2ltYWdlX3VybGdlbi5DMyJ9&_nc_ohc=NW0Es7iaZkAQ7kNvwHMoE_B&_nc_oc=Adqqa6iTWCKjgF5RSDz-prAi3aOiHYgvJelwXxP6jA4VOd_Z-kOXDrtC63jpQ5h3UhJLtaQzGPEzC3J4vqqLWBee&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc6-1.cdninstagram.com&_nc_gid=922Rs7sWEeQVy1YDHj1S8w&_nc_ss=70289&oh=00_AQQDGR1ZwC2QTXov2XB2he_0vTMVebkyvtVzQuznVUobYg&oe=6AF021D4)
![I asked for prompts back in July… and 3 months later here I am at ur service I DID NOT FORGET ok? It’s just life and adhd and priorities etc. @smruthimanai I don’t know what you were expecting when u said “cloud with cherries” probably not this but it did make me go outside and look at clouds irl so thnx.
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[ procreate, digital illustration, clouds ] by @slowtron.art](https://scontent-sjc6-1.cdninstagram.com/v/t51.82787-15/825349765_17971374975139042_4056386544738951091_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_e35_s640x640_tt6&_nc_cat=100&ccb=7-5&_nc_sid=18de74&efg=eyJlZmdfdGFnIjoiQ0FST1VTRUxfSVRFTS5iZXN0X2ltYWdlX3VybGdlbi5DMyJ9&_nc_ohc=itt3Raznl4gQ7kNvwFsKbnw&_nc_oc=AdqKqMxQPE-CWsPC4yuzooJl6W794gL3QcxlozVeZwLeIdN-_R0pFQzJuB4zXgU3l_q6IWocJ5tWPMqOpJ0VGWJY&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc6-1.cdninstagram.com&_nc_gid=922Rs7sWEeQVy1YDHj1S8w&_nc_ss=70289&oh=00_AQQKXzeTT45T2eXF4IAPfjt_J7y-PuniqNF2M27fqNYzvw&oe=6AF02597)
![Our very first issue, "Writing Transgressions," is now live latenightbreakfastmag.com
[link in bio]
There are mirrors and rooms in these stories, identity leaves its home and crosses borders, both literal and metaphorical. There are poems about g*nocide and recollection of encounters with fairies. There is art that feels more accurate than images, and art that builds new worlds. These stories are funny, witty, and full of grief.
We hope you find in these voices your own whims, joy, and moments of trangressions that make us who we are.
💌
[ independent magazine, literary magazine, indie magazine India, culture, art, writers, artists, latenightbreakfastmag, latenight breakfast, lit mag ]
#magazine #litmag #literarymagazine #issue1 by @slowtron.art](https://scontent-sjc3-1.cdninstagram.com/v/t51.82787-15/775798821_18055438874623921_7059829676574826949_n.heic?stp=dst-jpg_e35_s640x640_tt6&_nc_cat=105&ccb=7-5&_nc_sid=18de74&efg=eyJlZmdfdGFnIjoiQ0FST1VTRUxfSVRFTS5iZXN0X2ltYWdlX3VybGdlbi5DMyJ9&_nc_ohc=eQRPBLt65eAQ7kNvwFW9_ZG&_nc_oc=AdpVUvNwYYKvFLvfHc0tZDVxqSfWJPLXvIOQ2dvg1LucNNq9wpw-lNFs6QMVIe1P9Wjvl1k8FbYikNHwurMJpyOW&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.cdninstagram.com&_nc_gid=922Rs7sWEeQVy1YDHj1S8w&_nc_ss=70289&oh=00_AQQMFEKfVdScQv45eDfiXO1blIGvNfZUYHazlPmLlESIMA&oe=6AF020D5)
