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Slutty Cheff

@sluttycheff

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Food and sex stories
Face reveal at 1mil 🍔
Author of TART ⬇️

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I prefer paperbacks to hardbacks because you can mould them to fit your body, like a lover or a sandwichThey evolve with you while you journey through life together: Stretch marks and suffering spines, food stains and folded edges, tears and teared pages, doggy style and dog ears.Paperbacks also serve as an effective accessory - especially amongst the softboi diasporas. No matter where you go, his paperback will elevate his look - he might even like to roll it up and pop it in the pocket of his distressed leather jacket while picking up a 5 quid flat white. Tart paperback is out in just over a month and the good news for those that like to read books as well as accessorise with them: I have written a #new #exclusive #bonus chapter called CHARTREUSE CHEATING Sincere thanks to those that read the book in erect form (Hardback.) You should get the paperback too - as a sort of post-coitus type affair. I like to think of you, a familiar satisfied lover, curling up beneath the sheets and entangling your limbs with my now flaccid book. The paperback is out on 2 July in UK and 7 July in US. I suspect I will be doing some social media scallywag type activity around the launch & giving away free copies so stay #tunedPS. If you like to be organized you can pre order via Mr Lincoln Bio @bloomsburycooks @bloomsburypublishing @scribnerbooks by @sluttycheff

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2 months ago

While I am very grateful for all the writing opportunities over the last year, I am utterly fatigued by magazines and meta removing the word bumfuck from my writingSo I am starting my own publication: HOT FAT HOT FAT will be about sex, food, restaurants and all the other stuff that makes my heart sizzles and my loins spit. It will be honest, earthy and it will *not* be censored. We're getting back to basics mateFirst article going live #TOMOZClick link in bio to get access to my very first article in HOT FAT by @sluttycheff

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7 months ago

When I knew my book was getting released into the big bad world I firmly decided not to read a damn thing about myself or my writing, whether it be positive or negative I have read no reviews, no interviews, no trolling blogs, no bullies talking bollocks, nothing I am sensitive and emotional so I decided it would be best just to detach from it all; I didn’t want to get upset by people or places I admire talking shit about me, I also didn’t want anyone’s thoughts, good or bad, squandering my enthusiastic and regular use words like arseSo for the last few months I switched off my heart My woop-woop friends and family have been disturbed by my numbness towards all things great and glamorous, they have clasped at my stiff shoulders ! They have pled with me ! And encouraged me to “feel proud”, to “celebrate” the “achievement”, “to appreciate” the “moment” because it’s a “big deal” to write a “book” Blardy bla. I got the sentimental bastards off my back by telling them this: okay fine, I will allow myself to feel something if the New York Times reviews my book, until then, piss off I said this assuming it would never happen because - it’s the New York Times - ❓Well you win - today I feel something Today I read a spectacular review of my slutty mess of a book in the New York Times and I feel really happy, almost like there are bubbles in my heart I am so bubbly I am going to run myself a bubble bath of my own homemade bubbles - not the James Joyce kind - pls get your mind out the gutter *and* the arse I’m going to bathe in these @nytimes bubbles all evening - I might go for a solo cocktail actually - a fizzy bubbly one I also feel a bit of relief, as I’m actually on a flight to New York right now and what a crying shame it would be if @nytimes had slagged me off - I’d have to tell the pilot to turn this sturdy mistress around and take me back to Blighty Alas See you soon America Thank you for the review @nytimes and @kate.christensen100 by @sluttycheff

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a year ago

What snack r u gonna be eating when we win ⬇️✍️ by @sluttycheff

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a month ago

To eat in London is to do a warm piss in a cold seaTo eat in London is to break up then make upTo eat in London is to get a yellow sticker sandwichTo eat in London is to prove a smug bastard wrong To eat in London is to add hot water to the bath To eat in London is to smoke indoors with someone middle agedTo eat in London is to leave school early for the dentist To eat in London is to use your bodies to warm up To eat in London is to snog in a street among strangersTo eat in London is to get an extra long head massage at the hairdresser To eat in London is to find a good new tv show To eat in London is to mend a broken heart To eat in London is to pull a long hair out ur bumTo eat in London is to swim naked To eat in London is to get a good seat To eat in London is to get a good haircutTo eat in London is to take off your bra at 8pmTo eat in London is to forget about your phone To eat in London is to sniff a line in the looTo eat in London is to smell warm pavement To eat in London is to take a surprisingly good nude To eat in London is to hug someone with big tits To eat in London is to smell grilled meat To eat in London is to get a good crunchy appleTo eat in London is to feel joy by @sluttycheff

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3 months ago

I’ll take it to go cheers by @sluttycheff

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4 months ago

@dreambabypress is excited to announce our first London reading A Night of Pleasure inside a boxing gym. Get your tickets ASAP. Limited capacity. Link in bio.This will be hosted at All Star Boxing Gym where each reader will read in the middle of the ring. Featuring readings by@sluttycheff , @katenash , @camillecharriere , @tishweinstock , @mnadown , @bertiebrandes , @lea.ogunlami , @addiepray and @amyfrancombe_ ❤️Hosted by @mattstarrmattstarrPoster by the one and only @juliakmuell by @sluttycheff

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4 months ago

Day in the life of a best selling writer: 7am - Pretend to get up at same time as lover. Get back in bed as soon as he leaves for work.9am - Drink 3 coffees. Have a panic attack. Cancel all meetings.11am - Respond to fans 1pm - Have lunch with book agent and lie about how much work i’ve done2pm - Go and stare at my book through book shop windows3pm - Work for 22 minutes then give up4pm - Second lunch 5pm - Doss about on bike6pm - Watch Downton abbey for 3 hours9pm - See if I can fit a giant pretzel in my mouth End by @sluttycheff

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4 months ago

I have a man but I am better than him I earn more money than himI am more successful than himI am sexier than him I am funnier than him I have more friends than himI fuck better than him I have softer skin than him I am better at writing than him I think better than him I live better than him I tell the truth better than him I’m the curvaceous prawn on the left, he’s the shit one on the right There’s my contribution to the #manosphere conversation by @sluttycheff

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4 months ago

My review of @tiella_trattoria is live Please note I am a filthy disgusting shameful ill-informed influencer, not an esteemed and qualified restaurant critic Link in bio by @sluttycheff

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5 months ago

In English class in primary school we were given a copy of the kite runner. For the duration of the class we were supposed to just sit in silence and read it to ourselves. I couldn’t get beyond the first few pages. Nothing was going in. I was too impatient and my concentration was bad. I decided books were shit. But then when I was about 18 I decided to force myself to read lots of books. This was because I was self conscious about being dumb and I thought that people who read books were better than me and were quite sexy and cool. I absolutely boshed my way through book after book. I read all the authors that made me sound smart, like a real twat. I read Mary Shelley and Henry Miller and Martin Amis and Sylvia Plath and Philip Roth and Jane Austen and JD. Salinger etc. It is amazing the things you can get done when the sole motivator is to impress other people. Pathetic but v efficient. I ended up falling in love with books. Not because they made me feel better about myself (I was 18 so naturally I hated myself) but because I found that once I endured the torturous itchy boredom of those first few chapters, I arrived in this entirely different world. To discover that I could escape my own reality was like this amazing hack to existing in life. All I needed to do was just open a book and wait. And now that I think about it, all the best things in life come after a bit of a wait: dinner, orgasms, the other person saying I Love You first, the dealer arriving . Last week my publisher told me 20,000 copies of my book have been sold so far. To think that that many people have opened my book and just sat there and waited to arrive in my world of make-believe is a great honour and something I find truly special. If you prefer listening to books instead of reading them, Amazon is running a special deal on TART for the entirety of March where it is much cheaper than usual https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tart-Misadventures-Chef-Slutty-Cheff/dp/1526682699 by @sluttycheff

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5 months ago

When u need to fart but your new man is hanging around by @sluttycheff

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7 months ago