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sometimes it feels like

@sometimesitfeelslike

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Gratitude / Depression / Mindfulness
Mood tracker, mindfulness tool, and a gentle reminder to practice kindness to myself.
She/Her 💖

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Wielding logic and reason against mental health only go so far. I try my best not to compare or measure up to others, or the unrealistic expectations I hold for myself. But looking at my life, it is difficult to accept any reasoning that is offered on how to understand the despair and hopelessness I experience. It's difficult to accept that things feel this difficult to me. It's frustrating to have to accept that this is my day to day. When I want to feel better and it's up to me to make choices and take action to improve my situation, and that I am the only one standing in my own way.

Blame. Guilt. Shame. Repeat.

Pity party, table for one.

Wanted: Overly sensitive privileged layabout seeks coddling enabler to act as inner voice cohabitating useless human form. Serious inquiries only. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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4 years ago

Sometimes it feels like the guilt will crush every part of me. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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4 years ago

I've slipped into what feels like a major depressive episode. I believe I'm handling it better than I would have before. But I'm still struggling more than I have in possibly months. I've slowed down, I am dissociating, easily angered, numb, fatigued, unmotivated, in an incredibly low mood, and anywhere from weepy to sobbing when I'm not raging or numb.This with a surging undercurrent of constant anxiety is a self-invalidating mix. I can feel the suicidal ideations shifting from background blips up to active mini daydreams. Certainly nowhere near the worst I've experienced, so I know I'll get through this. But I don't like being here. I accept that this is my reality for now. The biggest struggle is how it yanks me out of my regular routine and the resulting guilt. So I baked scones. At least I baked scones.

Rerouting all auxiliary power to main thrusters. Shields at 20%. Evasive maneuvers. Deploy all fighters. *space battle sounds* by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

Sometimes it feels like no matter what, I will always return to my lowest. It is easy to fall when I feel so weighed down. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

I had a panic attack at work yesterday and had to come home. I took today off because I'm still exhausted and dissociating. Sometimes the world around me doesn't feel real. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm really real. If this is my real face.

In the moments as the attack hit, I knew I was in a safe space, being in my supervisor's office. I wasn't alone, as she was there to talk with me and support me.

I told myself that this wasn't permanent. That this state was temporary. That I had survived attacks like this or worse before. That I would come out on the other side.

I didn't feel headachey, tingly, or nauseated. I wasn't worried I was going to die. But this is what I did feel.

I feared I was losing control and going crazy, succumbing to my inevitable doom. My hands trembled. My heart raced and my breathing was shallow and short. My thoughts ricocheted and I had the overwhelming desire to run away. I dissociated. I cried, a lot.

And even while all of this happened, the terrible voice, my other voice in my head tried to convince me that I was overreacting. That I was faking it or making it up. That it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. That I was weak and that if I were a better person that I would be able to handle it, or that this wouldn't be happening at all. If I were enough I would be fine. Otherwise I deserved this.

I know that voice is a liar, but "hearing" those things still hurts. So even while I went through a panic attack, I had to fight off that self-destructive demon as well. I'm fucking tired. I'm still coasting on a very powerful shame/guilt/self-loathing/hate spiral which is capable of opening a portal to my suicidal thoughts.

But I have done this before, and I'm still here. It sucks right now AND I will be okay. Even as I suffer, I can recognize my growth, and that feels pretty cool. This is progress. This is resilience. This is healing.

We keep going. I'll see you on the other side. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

"Sometimes it feels like the world isn't really real. Or like I'm not really real. Or like my face isn't really my face."

#dissociationdaze by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

The majority of self-care is anything but pampering. It's not bubble baths, reading a book, and savouring a meal. It's not taking one mental health day off from work to have time to myself.

Self-care is making and keeping therapy and medical appointments. It's filling out and submitting forms to cover my ass at work. It's spending all day mustering the energy to have a shower. It's remembering to have the damn shower in the first place. It's making sure to check in and communicate with my loved ones, especially if it's the last thing I want to do. It's not staying up late. It's keeping to a routine so I don't just sit there wishing I could melt into the floor. It's searching for, and trying new things to see if they might help, even for just a little while. It's knowing that a depressive episode is coming and that I have the tools to weather it. It's knowing that I don't want to because it's hard, and then doing it anyway.

I'm tired of always having to try just to reach baseline. But if I don't try, then things become unmanageable. We don't want unmanageable. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

It's all become such a chore. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

Sometimes it feels like making decisions is just a matter of admitting how ill-equipped I am to deal with things. Regardless, I still feel better once I've made a decision because then I am able to stop ruminating. I feel so much discomfort in difficult decisions yet to be made that it's a relief once the decision has been made. Most of the time this presents as decisiveness and confidence, when it really feels like the opposite. I try to sit with the discomfort to try and see if I'm asking too much of myself, or if I'm letting my anxiety win. I don't always arrive at an answer to that. But the exercise of sitting with the discomfort helps me to not make snap decisions that I will regret later. I find these experiences strange because other times I really enjoy making decisions. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

Which is imposter syndrome rearing its head. 🙄 by @sometimesitfeelslike

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5 years ago

Today was my first shift back at work after being off for a year to the day. All went well and I am glad to be given the time to reacclimate to work with a gradual return.

I have received amazing support from so many people and I'm grateful for the chance to make them, and myself, proud.

Getting back to work wasn't really an end goal since there's still more to be done, but it is significant and I am pausing to fully appreciate what it took to get here. by @sometimesitfeelslike

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6 years ago

Mundane or milestone? Maybe both. 🤔 by @sometimesitfeelslike

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6 years ago