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so that’s why i’m like this | healing out loud | cptsd

@sothatswhy.me

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essays about the survival skills that became my personality.
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the child who said nothing was not weak. she was a small human being who poured everything she had into not disappearing.

link in bio. by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

the question is also the wrong question. new piece in the series.

link in bio. by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

new piece: “why didn’t you say anything back then?”

on the most common question survivors get. on the moment i finally asked it of my mother, a few days before she died. on the difference between victims and accomplices. on a book called Predators by Anna Salter that gave me language for who my parents were.

link in bio.

#cptsd #complextrauma #childhoodtrauma #emotionalabuse #cptsdrecovery healingoutloud breakingthecycle intergenerationaltrauma by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

fifteen essays in. this one is about why.

link in bio.

#cptsd #complextrauma #cptsdrecovery #childhoodtrauma #traumarecovery by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

fifteen essays in. this one is about the writing itself.

link in bio. by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

new piece: “why i’m writing all of this.”

the fifteenth essay in the series is about the writing itself. why this. why now. why in public. for the people who keep asking if i am okay (i am better than i have been in years), for the people who want me to forgive and forget (no), and for the people who write back saying “i feel the same” (this is who i’m writing for).

link in bio.

#cptsd #complextrauma #writing #memoir #cptsdrecovery healingoutloud intergenerationaltrauma breakingthecycle by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

the dream was the place i went when the actual place was too much. i lived there for years.

link in bio. by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

the dream is gone. the deletion is mostly gone. the leaving is not. but i can stay a little longer than i used to.

link in bio. by @sothatswhy.me

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4 months ago

new piece: “where i went.”
about the deletion that protected me. about the dream of being adored by every child i could think of, that filled the years my brain was erasing. about leaving my body, my face, my afternoons, my own life, for as long as i can remember.

and about staying, now, for five minutes at a time.

link in bio.

#cptsdrecovery #healingoutloud #amnesia #depersonalization #innerchild by @sothatswhy.me

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5 months ago

he was teaching me about the world by describing himself, and calling the description protection.

link in bio.

#cptsd #cptsdrecovery #dangerathome #childtrauma by @sothatswhy.me

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5 months ago

i don’t trust easily. i may never trust easily. that is the cost of growing up in a house where the lessons in danger came from the source of the danger.

link in bio.
#childhoodtrauma #cptsdrecovery #trust #emotionalabuse #parentalbetrayal by @sothatswhy.me

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5 months ago

new piece: “the door.”

about the threat assessment that runs in my head every time someone is kind. about a father who warned me about danger by describing himself. about a mother who said “i love you” for thirty-six years to a daughter she was tolerating.
about learning to trust at thirty-seven, slowly, in pieces, with my husband and my therapist.

link in bio.

#cptsd #complextrauma #trust #childhoodtrauma #cptsdrecovery healingoutloud emotionalabuse parentalbetrayal by @sothatswhy.me

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5 months ago