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ryan against the world

@spixal

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Paralegal | Published Writer | AI enthusiast
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I like books and boys. 🫡 And Justin. 😳

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2025 recap!

this year was quite the journey. we made lots of insanely great memories, and endured some pretty difficult ones. from the many different concerts and shows - kesha, beyoncé (!!!), remi wolf, just to name a few - and various birthdays, weddings, and holidays spent with family; to caring for my pookie after surgery, the grind of going back to school (again), and the unfortunate passing of my little buddy, bear; this year really showed me what life is all about, and i’m excited for another incredible year.

thank you to all of you, for sticking with me through another crazy year. i love and appreciate you all! most importantly, i love and appreciate my hubby for being my rock through everything. i am so proud of how far we’ve come this year, and i’m so blessed to have you by my side for another trip around the sun. ad infinitum, mi amor ❤️

“so near am i to the magic of you” -e.e. cummings

I’ll spend all of my days loving you, baby. You make this life so meaningful. -Ryan by @spixal

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9 months ago

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

to my amazing family that i feel undeserving of.
and to my family i have made into my own.

it has been the pleasure of my life to spend the last few years with you, justin. you are my TREASURE. the kindest love i have ever known and you want nothing in return. i am going to give you the biggest wedding because you are more valuable than gold. (“nature’s hardest hue to hold.”) i want to protect all of your light and your color and your happiness, and i want to spend every waking moment of my small life with you. it is a hubris of mine to know i have you all to myself. so thank you for making this anniversary, holiday and year so special for me.

thank you for putting me in your orbit. thank you for emboldening me to be better. thank you for challenging me to be what you deserve. thank you for being if not the best person alive, one of the best people to ever be that is not from heaven. (though i think you are. literally godsend.)

i know this next stage is exciting. it’s what we worked for and dreamed of for so long. but the most exciting part is that at the end of it all, i will have you with me. and there ain’t a damn love on this stinking planet better than that. i love you kitty. (🐶)

💍🎄🫣❤️ taken in Virginia Beach, Virginia by @spixal

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2 years ago

I’ve got enough love inside of me for you to fill up a big, blue sky-like mind. And I think about you all day. Nothing compares to the feeling of accomplishment I have this weekend: from graduating Naval Justice School LNA, and ultimately, for having you here with me to celebrate.

Justin, amor in aeternum, until the whole world stops spinning.

“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illustration flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.” taken in Newport, Rhode Island by @spixal

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2 years ago

baddie baddie shot o’clock! by @spixal

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2 years ago

happy birthday, @fairy.shae6!

the category was 90s/early 2000s, and the costumes, and the music, and the magic was all surreal!

the entire weekend was spectacular. supermassive thank you to my hub & best friend, @justin.k.s, for making our weekend start off amazing with the date night of a lifetime. from a5 wagyu steak to toasting with strong ass prosecco and too much bubbly, the entire last few days have been amazing. i feel float-y. like just grateful that my life continues to be so fun. and @fairy.shae6, you fucking killed that party. so much freaking fun. gonna lie and say me and justin won the costume contest. 😤

📸: @braceyparr taken in Portsmouth, Virginia by @spixal

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2 years ago

my relationship is literally studio A24, award-winning cinema. tell me of a love that comes this close to perfect? by @spixal

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2 years ago

I remember thinking that it wasn’t possible to love something completely, unconditionally, more than whatever is at stake. And then, well, he happened and everything else went out the window.

I’m very grateful for everything this year has taught me about myself, and my person, and our future. It takes a ton of work for a man to grow, so much done inside his own head, but I’m grateful for what growth I’ve experienced with people I cherish.

I have no idea what comes next for me since this chapter is closing, but I do know one constant that will make everything go smoothly.

I love you, Justin. taken in Virginia Beach, VA. U.S.A. by @spixal

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3 years ago

happy spooky-mas!

the fairy god dad x god son cosplay kinda ate, but what really took the crown was the psycho hay ride last night where the night creatures jumped at/on us! hope everyone had a good time serving absolute cvnt & giving their best spook! i know i had the best one in 24 years! by @spixal

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3 years ago

First trip back to Michigan since enlisting was a super nostalgic success. So thankful for everyone I got to see and I hope next time I can see all of you.

…

i am so obsessed with how absolutely limitless the expanse of human creativity is and how far we will reach. it is insane that i live at the same time of so many pioneers and engineers transforming the world around us rapidly. i hope that whatever impact i muster up is half as useful to the future generations as some of the brilliant thinkers i have met. nothing humbles me more than being apart of a defense conglomerate created with the sole intent to protect the inherent human rights that should be guaranteed to every single person on this earth. i send a million thanks to the big guy for showing me this path and letting me test it out to see if it could get me where i want to be.

i have spent the past two years in this limbo between self-discovery and actualization, and i have learned some obvious but strange things about myself:

1) i don’t really have a will of my own, but i follow whatever paths lead me closer to this perfect, framed image in my head of how life should be and i only pray i’m heading in the right direction.

2) if i can do absolutely anything at all, it is love the people i am with. recently, i sort of realized i can accept whatever language of love people have to offer me, even at my own expense. i want to lean into this more and really explore the love i have because there’s something troubling me about it.

3) i noticed i will find whatever sources available to me to feed that old artistic urge. i starve for more deviation and a heftier pool of knowledge to eat from. what fascinated me so much about the arts growing up was the variety and dimensions pure artistic expression could embody. that same awe has taken many forms since joining and i hope with this next leg of my journey, i can begin to satiate it and start a real pursuit that isn’t interrupted by procrastination and distractions.

—i know this is long but, i just want to thank everyone who has supported me. i am nothing without you. taken in Cedar Point by @spixal

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4 years ago

christmas is definitely the best holiday & time of the year! there’s just no competition. maybe i got a little *too* wine drunk but i still had such an awesome experience. so grateful to my shipmates & company, so thankful to my life. :)❤️ taken in Hilton Norfolk THE MAIN by @spixal

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5 years ago

thinking abt a lot of things lately. sometimes i wonder if just because you have the ability to speak if it means you should. i remain unsure. been reading aciman everyday to knock the dust off my head. his way of explaining irrealis moods and purported distinctions between time zones is extreme, but in the quietest form. this is my birth month so i am trying to reflect on the culmination of lived experiences that have brought me to this point in my life but every single time i think about the past for a sense of gratitude it is traded for uncertainty and excitement abt a future i have no idea if i am prepared for. wondering deeply what love is and if the pursuit of romantic objects is saved for goals and why i am so wack at being caring and nurturing and present for the people i love the most. i want to go to roma still. more particularly Italy, to see the everlasting roma Freud used to write about and Elio and Oliver made love in and Aurelius wrote meditations in and trip to Vatican City to see Michelangelo at the Sistine Chapel and go to Piacenza to eat cheese and drink wine and wake up in Milan by way of train to see the culture and Venice to see the architecture. i have been reading about Winklemann and Goethe and i think if they can attain even the smallest sense of peace by seeing the home of so much western history, i might find something nearing my own quietude. i also think before i die, or whether the time between now and my last breath, i would like to spend at least a few years backpacking/surviving through Europe and Asia (before my ultimate Mecca) so that i can understand why we are what we are right now. and more earnestly than i want to admit, why i am what i am right now. i know everything is chaotic in the world, from the climate to politics to even our personal lives, but never forget the pleasure of artistic leisure and the importance of seeing and doing. more than with your eyes but with your whole body. everyday there are chemical reactions happening throughout your whole body reminding you to think, breathe, and live honestly. maybe we need to learn to listen. by @spixal

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5 years ago

見ぬが花.

I started an email correspondence with myself to annotate when I want to write but don’t know what to say. They’re small poems/micro journal entries but it’s therapeutic. My own little Basho style proverbs.

i know that i should be ethically conscious and aware of consequences but i still act on impulse and that makes me pretty angry. i shy away from honest people a lot. they make me nauseous. i much rather prefer people who go through terrible things but do so quietly. even if they’re certain to cause suffering to themselves or others. life is looking supernaturally great in most aspects. i have come to terms with the fact that i dream too much but that hasn’t really slowed me down in the fight for a better life. the biggest hindrance is my inability to let go of traits that stop me from committing to any one thing or having faith in any one way. but life is a journey, and i began going to counseling and a chaplain to smooth out all the edges.

i really love art. i wish i could afford an expensive camera and capture things more. i have this strange feeling one day i am going to wake up and be 89 years old and my head’s gonna go to dick and i won’t remember how to sit on a toilet and take a shit anymore. so i want to gather as many images of my life as i can so i can look back and remind myself, this is why i am here. wherever or whatever “here” is, be it a time, a place, or a feeling. i wish i could write nonfic without sounding pretentious and trailing off because i have a great book idea right now. i have a good fic book idea too about an airborne illness that shuts down your immune system similar to AIDS but i feel like COVID has probably inspired a ton of books like that already. i have a huge opportunity ahead of me and i am grateful but i can’t help but feel spite towards myself for how things work out. sometimes i wish i just gave up on the “good life” trope, took my chance in the west, and BLED to be a writer. i couldve been the black Wilde by now or even the Little Ginsberg. i know i still can, and that keeps me up when i get down, but the steps needed to just trash this working man shitshow now are more gruesome than when i was 17. taken in Hokkaido Sushi Bar by @spixal

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5 years ago