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Stacy Mickelson – Coach For Divorced Women

@stacy_mickelson

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You don't need to find the woman you were before divorce.
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Same five words. Five completely different experiences.

Your partner says:
“I need some space.”

The Abandonment Lens hears the possibility of losing connection.
The nervous system isn't hearing space. It's hearing:
I might be about to lose you.

The Shame Lens turns the threat inward.
The question becomes less about what their partner needs and more about:
What did I do to cause this? What's wrong with me?

The Control Lens tries to restore safety by getting certainty now.
Uncertainty feels threatening, so the nervous system tries to resolve, manage, or regain control of what happens next.

The Avoidance/Numbing Lens protects through detachment.
Underneath the distance is protection:
You can't reject me if I disconnect first.

And the Meaning-Making Lens starts searching for an explanation.
The brain urgently tries to eliminate uncertainty by constructing meaning around what just happened.

Same partner.
Same five words.
Five completely different experiences of the relationship.

You're not responding only to what your partner said.
You're responding to what your lens told you they meant.
And your partner is doing the exact same thing with you.

Now two people can stand in the same conversation, hear the same words, and walk away absolutely convinced they're responding to what actually happened—
when they're responding to the meaning their lenses assigned to it.

That's why explaining harder doesn't always solve the conflict.
Words matter.

But the lens decides what those words mean to you.
Your lens—the learned survival patterns you carry into conflict—changes what you hear, what feels threatening, and what you do next.

Once you recognize the lens, you can finally begin separating:
What was said.
From what your nervous system heard.

That's Lens Literacy.

Inspired by: relationship_bff by @stacy_mickelson

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2 months ago

Love languages don't matter if the nervous system doesn't feel safe.

We've spent years teaching couples to ask:
What's your love language?
Words of affirmation? Physical touch? Quality time? Acts of service? Gifts?

But there's a question underneath all of those that matters first:
Can your nervous system actually receive the love that's being offered?
Because you can speak someone's love language perfectly—
and their nervous system can still experience you as unsafe.

You can reassure them.
And they hear an excuse.
You can give them space.
And they experience abandonment.
You can ask a question because you want to understand them.
And they hear criticism.
You can reach for connection.
And they experience pressure.
Same loving intention. Completely different experience.

And THIS is how two people can spend years desperately trying to love each other—
while both are wondering why they don't feel loved.
They're not necessarily failing to love each other.
They're trying to solve a safety problem with more love.
Before your nervous system cares whether your partner remembered your love language, it cares whether the relationship feels safe.
And safety isn't experienced the same way by everyone.
What feels reassuring to one nervous system can feel suffocating to another.
What feels like healthy space to one can feel like abandonment to another.
What feels like clarity to one can feel like control to another.
So the question isn't only:
“How does my partner need to be loved?”
It's:
“What does my partner's nervous system need in order to receive my love?”
And—
“What does mine?”
That's where the lens comes in.
Your lens—the learned survival patterns you carry into conflict—changes what you hear, what feels threatening, and what your nervous system reaches for to restore safety.
Until you understand that lens, you can keep giving more love, communicating harder, reassuring longer, and trying everything you've been told makes relationships work—
while completely missing what's keeping the love from landing.
You don't need more love.
You need to understand what's happening to the love that's already there.
The lens changes how that love is receive by @stacy_mickelson

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2 months ago

I can't control all the moments I miss. But I can be intentional about the moments we have. ❤️

Sometimes it's the little moments that become the massive moments. 🥹

For those sharing custody, what's one little tradition you have with your kids?

#yapchallenge #storytellingcontentchallenge #divorce by @stacy_mickelson

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12 hours ago

My greatest piece of life advice apparently happens at 1:35. You're welcome. 😂

Sometimes the hardest part isn't doing the thing. It's getting yourself to start.

That day, I wasn't sure I could handle a workout. So I took the pressure off.

Just go inside. Sit in the massage chair. That's enough.

And somehow, that turned into three exercises. Then an hour-long workout.

I walked out feeling really proud of myself.

I've been thinking about how often we make the first step so big that we can't bring ourselves to take it.

Maybe you don't need to do the whole thing today.

Maybe you just need to make the first step ridiculously small.

What's something you've been putting off because getting started feels overwhelming?

#yapchallenge #storytellingcontentchallenge by @stacy_mickelson

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a day ago

by @stacy_mickelson

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2 days ago

I made a Facebook post looking for someone to go hiking with.

And this morning, after dropping our kids off at school, I met up with a woman I'd never met before, and we went hiking together.

Two complete strangers. A gorgeous hike. Freezing toes. 😂

And genuinely, such an enjoyable morning.

Something I noticed from that original post was how many people wanted to join in. People were asking me to organize a group because they wanted that connection, too.

And it got me thinking about how many of us are probably sitting around wanting the same things, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

So here's your encouragement to be that person.

Post the invitation. Ask someone to join you. Put yourself out there.

You never know who else is hoping someone will ask. ❤️

Day 6/40 of climbing Cringe Mountain. by @stacy_mickelson

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3 days ago

Pre-divorce me: Hopeful. Optimistic. Has some pretty big expectations about what life after divorce will look like.

Post-divorce me: Still hopeful. Considerably more realistic. Occasionally horrified. And a hell of a lot wiser. 😂

Turns out, life after divorce isn't quite what I imagined.

But I genuinely love the woman I'm becoming.

Day 4/40 of climbing Cringe Mountain. ❤️‍🔥

#yapchallenge #storytellingcontentchallenge #divorce by @stacy_mickelson

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4 days ago

Some stories are meant to be shared. Others are meant to be learned from. ❤️

I've learned a lot about myself, marriage, relationships, and what I would do differently today.

And I'm happy to share those lessons.

But I don't believe I have to share every detail of my past to offer something valuable from it.

There's a difference between sharing your story and sharing every part of it.

Day 5/40 of climbing Cringe Mountain. 💁🏼‍♀️ by @stacy_mickelson

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5 days ago

One week I'm a soccer mom. The next I'm a 20-year-old bachelorette and a 90-year-old empty-nest widow. 😂

Divorced motherhood is a WILD identity shift.

But I've learned that I don't need two separate lives. I get to build one I genuinely love, whether my girls are home or not. ❤️‍🔥

Day 4/40 of climbing Cringe Mountain.

#yapchallenge by @stacy_mickelson

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6 days ago

For the woman who has ever questioned her own reality in a relationship.

Who started doubting her memories, her instincts, even her own character.

Who was afraid to tell someone what was happening because she didn't know what the consequences would be.

Who kept trying because there really were beautiful parts, too.

Who wondered if she'd ever feel like herself again.

This is what emotional and psychological abuse can feel like from the inside.

And this is what reclaiming your own voice can sound like.

Your worth was never someone else's to determine. ❤️

Day 3/40 of climbing Cringe Mountain. by @stacy_mickelson

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7 days ago

There are still things I’m building.

There are still things I wish were different.

And there are still things I don’t know the ending to.

But I’m incredibly grateful for the life I’m living right now—and for everything it’s teaching me along the way. 🫶🏽

“There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.” — Wayne Dyer

Day 2/40 of climbing Cringe Mountain.

#powerofperspective #storytellingcontentchallenge #happiness by @stacy_mickelson

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8 days ago

We're reaching for connection everywhere.

We scroll. We watch other people's lives. We talk to ChatGPT when we need somewhere to put the thoughts we don't know what to do with.

And listen—I love ChatGPT. 😂

But I said something while filming this that I can't stop thinking about:

There's no risk in talking to ChatGPT.

It can't reject me. I don't have to wonder if I'm too much. I don't have to risk saying something vulnerable and having another human being decide what to do with it.

But that's also why it can't replace being genuinely known by another person.

My first Christmas as a divorced mom showed me just how much divorce can change your sense of where you belong.

And I think more divorced mothers are craving real belonging than we realize.
Not just more people around us.
A place where we're known.
A place where our presence matters.
People we're actually doing life with.

That's a huge part of why I'm building The Ember Table.
I want women at this table who believe their best days are still ahead of them.
Not because the past didn't matter.
But because the past doesn't get to write what comes next.

This is Day 1 of my very unofficial 40-day YAP challenge with Jessi Jean.

Apparently I cried on Day 1. 😂 We're off to a strong start.

See you tomorrow.

#yapchallenge by @stacy_mickelson

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9 days ago