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Charlotte | certified stepmum coach & healer

@stepmumevolution

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Find peace whether you stay or go - For stepmums who are not just stepmums
Unpick feelings • Regulate emotions • Rebuild self-worth. Trauma informed.✨

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I’ve seen a lot of posts and comments on these posts that say “no woman would leave a good man when the kids are young”, and that it’s a red flag for single mum’s to date a man again with young children.

They say they left their ex when the kids were young for a reason.

I’ve read somewhere 80% of divorces are instigated by women, so it’s also likely that not all single dads with young children are red flags. Some 20% of men might have left their wife because she cheated as an example or they just weren’t happy etc.

If you’re a stepmum, is it a red flag for you if your partner’s ex left him when he had young kids? Say under age 5?

I’m interested to know what Stepmums feel about this! ⬇️ by @stepmumevolution

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a day ago

Dear Stepmum - Some of the resentment you feel isn’t about the kids. It’s about you, and losing yourself in the life you have now.

Maybe you had no kids before, or just had to raise your own biological children. Which seemed simple compared to now.

Maybe you could do what you wanted at the weekends. You felt comfortable in your own home.

When you enter into a stepfamily, it’s normal to want to try really hard and make it work.

So you shrink your needs to fit around everyone else’s. You settled for less than you wanted because you loved him, and you wanted it to work.

But slowly you realise you’re not the person you once were.

It’s okay to grieve what you’ve lost. It’s so real and justified.

Here’s how to start finding your way back to you:

1. Do the things that give your life meaning, give you joy and bring you home to your soul. Learn to say no to things that are making you resentful.. with love.

2. Learn to step in and back as necessary. Most stepmum roles don’t require you to be all in, or all out.

3. Start seeing yourself as the prize. Yes there’s compromise, but not the point of complete sacrifice.

4. Tell your partner the truth. Not as an attack on what he’s doing wrong, but just letting him know you need space and time to be you.

5. Be patient with yourself. It took a while to get here, so it’s going to take a while to get out again.

Being a stepmum triggers old wounds.. ❤️‍🩹

You can set every boundary and still feel triggered, because a lot of what you’re experiencing goes deeper than what’s happening today.

It’s old patterns, people-pleasing and a nervous system that feels scared to say no.

You need more than tips though - you need to rewire your mindset, rebuild self worth, work on triggers & regulate your nervous system.

This is some of the work we do inside The Metamorphosis, my 6-month live group coaching programme for stepmums who are done coping and ready to feel calm, confident and like themselves again.

Yesterday I added a new audio and somatic healing on the “outsider wound” - which didn’t start in Stepmotherhood if you’ve felt like the black sheep for most of your life.

DM me the word COACHING for more details. ✨ by @stepmumevolution

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2 days ago

There’s a difference between asking for what you need, setting a boundary AND trying to control.

I figured it out the hard way 🤪

If this is the kind of support you need, The Metamorphosis is for you - it’s a group coaching programme for growth minded Stepmums who want to work on their stepfamily issues AND heal, grow and evolve as a human being.

Today I added some journal prompts and a somatic healing on “letting go of the need to control” to help you make decisions based more out of love and self worth, than fear.

DM me the word COACHING for more details. ✨ by @stepmumevolution

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5 days ago

The women who come to me for help are smart and successful in their own way - but when they become a stepmum, they suddenly feel like they are not good enough.

You might be thinking this too.

How can I run a business? Be a teacher / lawyer / nurse / other caring job where I do my best to make a difference in the world, maybe already have been a bloody good Mum or be a genuinely well liked person etc..

And being a stepmum brings you back to square one.

My work has changed from when I first started stepmum coaching 6 years ago. I didn’t realise at that point that being a stepmum brings out all your wounds.

I feel this is why tips and strategies only get you so far.

My goal now is to help you work on your self worth, your triggers, your identity, your emotional regulation and creating a life bigger than the grief.

I’ve seen my clients either end up finding peace as a stepmum, building happier healthier relationships, or they decide to leave - either way it’s a win win.

I have said this for a long time - when you work on you as a woman, either your partner meets you where you are at, or the relationship no longer is aligned and will come to its natural end.

If you’re at that point where something needs to change, you love your partner, but you’re no longer willing to keep feeling not good enough, reach out and we can chat about my 1:1 coaching programme and how it can help you. 🧡 by @stepmumevolution

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6 days ago

The goal is not to ever get triggered again. That isn’t possible with the stressful world we live in. Also studies have shown the stepmum role is more stressful than the biological mum role, and Stepmum’s are at risk of higher levels of stress, anxiety and depression.   The goal is to reduce the intensity of your triggers and be able to manage them so that on the whole, your responses are healthier and you can bounce back quicker.
 Yesterday, in The October Unveiling, I dropped an audio that will take you through this in real time, as well as a worksheet to help you distinguish between a trigger you need to work on, an action step, or both.

You don’t need just tips and strategies - you need to learn how to regulate, create healthier relationships, to work out if your triggers are for you to heal or take action, to create resilience through stressful times, to learn self worth and to importantly learn how to trust your intuition as a stepmum.   If you have been thinking about joining, doors are still open!   You have plenty of time to catch up as the recordings are lifetime access.

DM me the word OCTOBER, or find the link in my bio to join. by @stepmumevolution

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8 days ago

This page isn’t about teaching you how to be a ‘good stepmum’, or cope with stepmum life to the point that it feels you’ve sacrificed too much.

At the heart of what my goal is for you is that you:

Heal the wounds that are being triggered in stepfamily life
Learn to trust yourself, know your worth and set standards accordingly
You create a life that’s bigger than the grief
You are less consumed by stepfamily problems
You open your heart and evolve as a human being
You genuinely feel that your partner and stepfamily are adding to your life.

Things won’t always be perfect, but I don’t feel being with a man with children should mean that you have to sacrifice everything that is important to you.

There’s compromise, and then there’s settling.

The most common message in my inbox is around a stepmum telling me she’s not sure if she can do it anymore, that something has to change, that she’s scared to make a decision she will regret, that she loves her partner but stepmum life is becoming too much.

If you feel like this, you’re not alone.

That’s why I created The Stay or Go Clarity Bundle.

Three eye opening worksheets for the stepmum who loves her partner but is tired, resentful, triggered and confused.

If you are wondering if you can do this anymore, the worksheets help you understand your feelings, so that whatever you choose is a decision that is right for you.

There’s also worksheets on making decisions without resentment, and how to distinguish between a trigger you need to work on, or a trigger that’s telling you that a boundary or action step is needed.

DM me the word WORKSHEETS and I will share them with you, or go to my bio to download now. by @stepmumevolution

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11 days ago

When I asked the Stepmum’s in our telegram group “What emotion or belief about yourself do you want to let go of the past?”… “I’m not enough” came up.

Do you ever feel this way?

It’s easy for this wound to get triggered about 100 times a day when you’re a stepmum.

It’s easy to tell yourself things like “I dont have to be the biological mum to have value here.”

But if you don’t truly feel it, those words don’t mean much.

That’s why in our October Unveiling workshop this week, we are going to be working on releasing on a deeper level the emotions and beliefs like “I’m not enough” that are holding you back from finding peace in your home.

Through somatic work, we will uncover where this “I’m not enough” wound and work on letting it go, so that when you do respond to your stepfamily problems it’s from a more empowered place.

If you would like details to this workshop, and the rest of the October Unveiling programme, DM me the word OCTOBER or go to my bio.

We started 1 October, but everything is recorded for you to listen to now. ✨ by @stepmumevolution

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13 days ago

Whenever I do a poll for the emotion you feel most as a stepmum, resentment comes up high.

Do any of these resonate with you?

This question is also a common one in my inbox.

“How do I tell the difference between a trigger I need to heal, or a boundary / conversation / action step?”

If you decide it’s all your problem to heal, it might be you swallow things that need to be said, and then resentment grows.

If you decide it’s all his, you still end up getting triggered, because part of that reaction was an old wound being hurt.

Often it’s both, but it can be hard to know the difference.

That’s why I created The Stay or Go Clarity Bundle.

Three eye opening worksheets for the stepmum who loves her partner but is tired, resentful, triggered and confused.

If you are wondering if you can do this anymore, they help you understand your feelings, so that whatever you choose is a decision that is right for you.

You’re not too sensitive, you’re not dramatic, and you’re not a bad stepmum for struggling.

You’re also allowed to question if it is what you want.

In fact, it’s a good thing. If you do want to stay, it helps you get clarity on what needs to change and what your standards are moving forwards.

The link is in my bio to download, or DM me the word WORKSHEETS and I will send them to you. ✨ by @stepmumevolution

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13 days ago

It’s so common for a stepmum to feel everything is her responsibility to fix.

Your stepchild is upset and you automatically think “What did I do?”

Your partner and his ex have a disagreement and you think “They are arguing because I’ve entered the situation. It’s all my fault.”

You feel your stepchild more emotionally distant, and you think “I must have done something wrong”.

Over time, you can become so used thinking you’re the problem. that you stop questioning whether the blame or responsibility actually is a YOU problem.

And this is one of the things we’re unravelling in The October Unveiling.

Because sometimes it’s for your partner to solve, sometimes you haven’t done anything wrong and sometimes you need to just change the thoughts in your head that are overthinking.

The October Unveiling will help uncover the parts of you that learned to shrink, over-function, people-please and take the blame just to feel safe, accepted or loved.

Society can make Stepmums an automatic scapegoat, so there can be a lot to de condition.

You get to choose who you want to be now remember.

The October Unveiling started today.

It’s a 31 day journey to uncover what’s beneath the emotions, resentment, grief and triggers you’re feeling as a stepmum, take steps to heal, grow and take back control of your home, role and relationships…

Every day there will be an audio training, a somatic healing and a journal prompt, plus space to ask me questions and engage in our stepfamily discussions. Plus two full length live workshops.

Link in bio or DM me the word October for the link. ✨🖤 by @stepmumevolution

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17 days ago

If you do one thing this week, give yourself permission to not settle as a stepmum.

Ask yourself, “Where have you been settling in stepmotherhood because you were afraid of what might happen if you asked for more?”

You might be settling when:

You stay quiet about the things that hurt you because you don’t want to cause drama.
Accepts scraps of attention from your partner, because you are told the kids come first.
You stop pursuing your own career or business dreams because stepmum life has taken it out of you.
You know stepmum life is triggering old wounds, but you don’t do anything about it.

Maybe it is about time to stop asking “How do I cope with this?” because you shouldn’t have to live in constant survival mode.  And instead start asking, “Who am I deciding to become through this?” and “what do I need to make this work for me too?”  I am setting the intention that The October Unveiling gives you the answers and tools in whether to stay or leave. (This is actually the most common question that women come to me with - “I don’t know if this is for me and whether I can stay in this relationship any longer”.)

If you’ve been sitting on the fence, maybe this is the time to step inside!

The October Unveiling starts tomorrow. It’s a 31 day journey to uncover what’s beneath the emotions, resentment, grief and triggers you’re feeling as a stepmum, take steps to heal, grow and take back control of your home, role and relationships…

Link in bio or DM me the word October for the link. ✨🖤 by @stepmumevolution

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17 days ago

I have been moving through some feelings of anger and the ‘I am not enough’ wound (not stepfamily related 🥰) this weekend.   And felt like I was on a bit of a rollarcoaster and decided I didn’t want to feel that way.
 I decided to set a timer for 5 minutes and sit in silence and see what comes up. I know anger has a message.

I wrote all the insights and revelations, and it was so insightful I decided that I set myself a task to do it every day for 5 minutes this week.  So if you feel anger as a stepmum, or in your relationship, I encourage you to do this also this week.🙏

It’s not healthy to keep burying your feelings. And the anger has a message for you too.

And sometimes you have to just tune into what your inner voice is trying to tell you to do next.
 My job as your coach and healer is not to tell you every single thing you should do, although I give tools and strategies- it is to also guide you back to yourself, especially if you’ve lost yourself.  My most successful clients are the ones who learn to trust in themselves and listen to their intuition.  What I have learnt is - you don’t need to become a better stepmum.
 You need to become more YOU.

Because somewhere along the way, you may have lost yourself, and now ask:

Am I doing enough? Am I too involved? Am I not good enough? What is wrong with me? What does the ex think of me? Am I asking for too much? Am I getting this right?
But it is more important you ask yourself:  Who do I want to be now? What do I deserve? What do I want to create?   This is why we have a powerful pre-October Unveiling workshop called, The Magnetic Stepmum Identity Workshop this Tuesday 29th September, which is all about leaving behind the identity you’ve created to survive stepmotherhood, the people-pleasing, chasing or begging, comparing, overthinking, lowering your standards, lowering your worth and trying to get it “right”, whilst also desperately feeling everything you do is wrong......

And becoming: The magnetic stepmum.

The woman who knows who she is, what she wants, what she deserves and how she wants to feel in her life.

DM me the word OCTOBER or go to my bio for the link. 🧡 by @stepmumevolution

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20 days ago

So I often notice what I need to release around a full moon.🌕

I might be hit with a metaphorical lightning bolt of what isn’t working, and what I need to release in myself to move forwards in life.

It often highlights what isn’t working in my life…

Full Moon’s are traditionally used as a time where what you have buried, is allowed to come to the surface.

So this isn’t necessarily about doing more. (Which we know rarely works as Stepmum’s.

It’s about asking yourself:

Where have I lost myself trying to be a “good” stepmum?

Where have you buried your feelings?

Where have you made yourself smaller to keep the peace, fit in or desperately tried to be liked?

Where have you tried to be understanding, but then becoming resentful?

Where have you been waiting for everyone else to change, instead of looking within at what YOU need to change??

What needs to come to the surface for you? ✨

October is the month you stop trying to DO more, and start looking within, so you can take action from an empowered and healed place, rather than from a needy, controlling or insecure one.

If this sounds what you need, The October Unveiling is still open - we officially start on 1st October.

DM me the word OCTOBER or go to my bio for the link! ✨🖤🧡 by @stepmumevolution

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22 days ago