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Katie | Support to Sleep

@supporttosleep

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For parents whose children just don't sleep.
Less rules, more understanding their unique needs + yours.
Supporting them without losing ourselves ↓

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I genuinely don’t know how I survived those first couple of years.

A baby who woke every 20–45 minutes for months on end. Who would only sleep on me. Who screamed in the pram, the car seat, the carrier. Who needed almost constant movement, contact and support.

And me, with absolutely no idea that I had ADHD.

I just thought I was really, really bad at coping.

The constant noise. The crying. The touching. The inability to finish a single thought or do anything without being interrupted.

Being so desperately overstimulated, but also somehow understimulated.

Needing silence, space and time alone, while having a baby who needed the complete opposite.

And then there was the sleep deprivation, making everything feel about a thousand times harder.

I loved my baby more than anything in the world. But I was drowning.

And I couldn’t understand why other mums seemed to be managing so much better than me. Going for coffees, meeting friends, popping to the shops with their babies.

Meanwhile, I was barely leaving the house.

It’s only now, four years later, with an ADHD diagnosis and a much better understanding of my own brain, that I can look back and see just how much I was dealing with.

And I wish I could go back and give that version of myself a massive hug.

Because she wasn’t failing at motherhood.

She was trying to meet the enormous needs of a baby who needed so much support, while her own needs went almost entirely unmet.

And I wonder how many other mums are out there feeling exactly the same way.

Trying SO hard to be the responsive, attuned parent they want to be, while their own nervous system is screaming for a break.

If this resonates, I’d really love to hear from you. Did motherhood lead you to discover your ADHD? Or are you starting to wonder whether it might be part of your story too? by @supporttosleep

Some babies just find sleep easier.
And not because their parents have cracked some secret code. Not because they’ve nailed the perfect routine, followed the right wake windows or avoided creating ‘bad habits’.

And some babies just find sleep really bloody hard.
Not because their parents have done anything wrong. Not because they’re too responsive, too inconsistent or haven’t tried hard enough.

Of course, there are things we can do to support our children’s sleep. And sometimes there are underlying reasons why sleep is particularly difficult that are worth exploring. But there’s also SO much individual variation.

Temperament. Sensory sensitivities. Development. Biology. Different needs for closeness and support.

And yet we’ve somehow created this narrative that a baby who sleeps well is evidence of parents who’ve got it right. And a baby who wakes frequently is a problem the parents need to fix.

Which means that on top of the sheer exhaustion of caring for a wakeful child, so many parents are carrying around this enormous sense of failure.

Constantly questioning what they’re doing wrong. Comparing themselves to other families. Wondering why everyone else seems to have figured it out.

When the reality is that they’re parenting a completely different child.

I wish we could stop treating children’s sleep as some kind of parenting achievement.

Can we all agree that your child’s sleep is not a measure of how hard you’re trying, how much you love them, or how good a parent you are?!

—-

Sensitive babies, wakeful babies, baby sleep, child sleep, responsive parenting, conscious parenting, baby sleep advice by @supporttosleep

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different my experience of early motherhood might have been if I’d known I had ADHD.

Not because it would have changed anything about my baby. He still would have been the same incredibly sensitive, wakeful little person who needed SO much support, day and night.

But I wonder whether I might have been a bit kinder to myself through it all.

I spent such a huge amount of those first couple of years feeling completely overwhelmed. The constant crying, touching, feeding, waking, never knowing what kind of night (or day!) we were going to have. And then there was the way I became absolutely obsessed with trying to understand his sleep - researching every possible explanation and feeling like I couldn’t think about anything else.

I couldn’t understand why I seemed to find everything so much harder than other mums. Why I couldn’t just get on with things. Why even the thought of leaving the house sometimes felt completely impossible.

And of course, looking back, I can see that what we were going through was objectively REALLY hard.

But I also understand now that my ADHD added another fun layer to the experience! One that I had absolutely no awareness of at the time.

And it makes me really sad to think back to that version of me who spent so much time questioning myself and feeling like I wasn’t cut out for motherhood, when actually I was doing my absolute best in circumstances that were pushing me way beyond my limits.

I’m curious whether this resonates with other ADHD mums, particularly those who’ve had babies who barely slept or needed constant contact. Did you find yourself struggling with things you couldn’t really explain at the time?

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Undiagnosed adhd in motherhood, wakeful baby, responsive parenting, baby sleep, postpartum, adhd mums by @supporttosleep

I fully appreciate how approaching something as enormous as parenthood without a plan can feel fucking terrifying.

I certainly wasn’t going to be doing that.

Before my son was born, I’d done ALL the research. I had my ‘eat, play, sleep’ routine, feeding + nap schedules, bedtime routines. I knew exactly how it was all going to work.

Except, of course, it didn’t. 😂

My baby had absolutely no interest in following any of it. And I spent SO much of those early months stressed, anxious + exhausted, desperately trying to squeeze our chaotic existence into the neat little routine I’d been promised would make everything easier.

Looking back, I wonder how much more manageable things might have felt if I’d spent less time trying to make him fit the plan, + more time understanding the baby I actually had.

And here’s another thing about sleep plans...

When a baby’s sleep improves after following one, **how do we actually know it was the plan that made the difference?**

Babies’ sleep is constantly changing as they grow and develop. Some naturally start sleeping longer stretches. Some find sleep easier than others.

Unless we have a parallel universe where we can see how that exact same baby would have slept WITHOUT the plan, we can’t know for certain how much of the improvement was down to the plan itself!?

Sure, there are elements of sleep plans that can be helpful to understand, but why are we so quick to give them all the credit when things improve, yet so quick to question the parents when they don’t?

And THIS is why I’m so wary of generic sleep plans, rigid schedules and tracking apps.

Not because routines are inherently bad, or because some families don’t find them helpful.

But because they can so easily become another set of expectations we’re measuring ourselves and our babies against.

And when things don’t go to plan, it’s so often the parents who end up feeling like they’ve failed... which really couldn’t be further from the truth!!!

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Responsive parenting, baby sleep, baby sleep advice, sensitive baby, conscious parenting, holistic sleep support by @supporttosleep

Some nights I wish I could just have a full 8 hours in my own bed with zero interruptions. (And sometimes I do!) Other nights I wish I could bottle up these little moments forever.

Both things can be true.

Sleep isn't linear. And for my sensitive little one, there are phases when he needs me a little closer (and hey, maybe that's what I need too).

Right now, this is what works for us.

I know one day he'll tell me he wants to sleep on his own, and my heart will fill with pride and shatter into a million pieces all at once.

Just a reminder that there's no age at which closeness suddenly becomes a bad habit. And no need to change something that's working for your family just because someone else thinks you should.

One day things will look different, and I'm in no rush to get there.

Anyone else feel this constant push and pull between wanting your own space and never wanting these little years to end?!

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conscious parenting, responsive parenting, co sleeping, baby sleep, toddler sleep, gentle parenting, bedsharing by @supporttosleep

I loved my baby more than anything. And I wanted to give him everything he needed.

BUT - sometimes what he needed and what I needed were the complete opposite.

He needed constant contact, movement, feeding, rocking, bouncing. Me. All the time.

And I was so unbelievably overstimulated, touched out and exhausted that sometimes I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

I didn’t know I had ADHD at the time. I just knew I was finding motherhood SO much harder than I’d expected.

And I carried an enormous amount of guilt about that.

Because I believed so strongly in responding to my baby’s needs. But I had absolutely no idea how to meet my own needs alongside his.

And I think this is something we really need to talk about more in the responsive parenting space.

Because we can understand everything there is to know about attachment, co-regulation and biologically normal infant sleep…

But what happens when the parent doing all that responding is running on empty?

When they’re chronically sleep deprived, overstimulated, anxious, touched out, or simply desperate for a moment to themselves?

I don’t think the answer is to stop responding to our children.

But I also don’t think the answer is to keep asking parents to give more and more of themselves until there’s nothing left.

There has to be room for BOTH.

For our children’s needs AND our own.

And that’s a huge part of why I do the work I do.

Because supporting a child’s sleep doesn’t have to come at the expense of the person supporting them.

I’d love to know if this resonates. Have you ever felt like what your child needs and what YOU need are completely at odds?

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Responsive parenting, adhd mum, adhd in motherhood, undiagnosed adhd, overstimulated mother, wakeful baby, Velcro baby, co-sleeping, unsettled baby by @supporttosleep

I knew having a baby would mean being tired. But I had absolutely NO idea what prolonged sleep deprivation could actually feel like!

When my son was waking every 20–45 minutes, night after night, I felt like I was having a permanent out-of-body experience. I was wired, anxious, overstimulated and completely unable to switch off, even when I had the opportunity to rest.

And yet so much of the advice I received came back to ‘tough love’ and teaching my baby to sleep independently.

As though the only way to support an exhausted mother was to change her baby’s behaviour?!

I think we desperately need to get better at recognising BOTH the biological needs of babies and the very real impact that broken sleep can have on parents.

You can know you want to be responsive, understand that night waking is completely normal for babies, AND still find the reality of it feels like actual torture.

We can explore what’s contributing to difficult sleep, challenge unrealistic expectations, find practical ways to protect parental rest and make sure families have the support they actually need.

Choosing not to sleep train shouldn’t mean being left to struggle alone.

And I really wish someone had told me that when I was in the thick of it.

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Sleep deprivation, holistic sleep coaching, normal infant sleep, normal baby sleep, responsive parenting by @supporttosleep

Yep I did a LOT of things you're often told not to do when you have a baby who wakes frequently (after losing my mind trying to control + track everything!)

Fed to sleep. Responded to every wake. Stayed close. Didn't follow strict wake windows.

And no, none of these things magically made my baby sleep through the night.

But they DID make our nights feel easier. They helped us all get more rest. And they took away so much of the pressure I was putting on myself to get sleep 'right'.

Pressure to do things a certain way + guilt that you're somehow the cause of wakes + problems are absolutely NOT helpful when you're sleep deprived and hanging on by a thread.

So here's permission to keep doing what works, to keep choosing the simplest, easiest option that gets you all the most rest, AND to ignore any 'advice' that tells you you're the problem.

And of course you can look to make changes when things are no longer working for you.

Follow @supporttosleep_ for a different conversation about baby + toddler sleep.

#ResponsiveParenting #BabySleep #HolisticSleepSupport #GentleParenting #ToddlerSleep by @supporttosleep

Not being funny but some of you really did think it was the blackout blinds, the 7pm bedtime and your military precision with wake windows 😬

And maybe some of it was.

But also… you might have just had a chill baby?!

Babies come with their own temperament. Their own sensitivities. Their own sensory profiles. Their own capacity for regulation. Their own need for closeness and support.

Some babies are pretty adaptable. They sleep wherever. Transfer easily. Barely seem to notice when you leave the room.

Others notice EVERYTHING.

The temperature changed. The floorboard creaked. You moved your arm. Their nose feels a bit stuffy. You dared to roll approximately 4cm away from them.

Some babies find transitions harder. Some are more alert. Some wake more easily. Some feel separation more intensely. Some need a LOT more support to get to sleep and stay asleep.

And sometimes there’s something else making sleep harder too - like, discomfort, reflux, allergies, sensory differences…

So YES, routines CAN help. Rhythm can help. Sleep pressure matters.

BUT - two families can do all the “same things” and end up with wildly different sleep.

And this matters because when we give parents too much credit for a baby who sleeps brilliantly, we inevitably leave another parent wondering what the fuck they’re doing wrong when theirs doesn’t.

When actually?

Sometimes it’s just because you have a different baby. by @supporttosleep

Honestly, thinking about all this makes me feel sick! Of course none of it worked. All of it made me trust myself less and stressed me out SO much more than I needed to be. Which in turn made it harder for me to be the calm, regulated base he needed me to be.

If any of this is you right now, I see you. And I promise you that doing the thing which feels ‘easiest’ right now is absolutely perfect.

You’re in the right place ♥️

#nosleeptraining #gentleparenting #newmumsupport #bristolmums #infantsleepsupport by @supporttosleep

I spent a LOT of time wondering why sleep seemed to be so much harder for my son than it was for other babies.

Why did he wake at the slightest noise?
Why did putting him down feel like defusing a bomb?
Why did he need SO much support to switch off?
Why did all the things that apparently “worked” for everyone else seem to do absolutely fuck all for us?!

And then I started learning more about temperament…

Some babies really do experience the world more intensely.

They’re more alert. More sensitive to changes in their environment. More easily stimulated. They notice EVERYTHING. And they can need a lot more support to come back down again.

Suddenly, so much about my son made sense.

Not because temperament explained every difficult night (sleep is much more complicated than that!)

But because I stopped asking:

*Why can’t he sleep like other babies?*

and started asking:

*What does THIS baby need to feel safe enough to let go?*

That shift changed a lot for me.

If you have one of those wonderfully alert, intense, spirited little humans whose sleep never seemed to read the manual…

You’re very much in the right place. Hit follow for more non-sleep-training baby & toddler sleep tips.

#babysleep #infantsleep #spiritedbaby #sensitivebaby #babysleeptips by @supporttosleep

If your entire day revolves around getting your baby’s naps right, this is for you.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve been convinced that getting baby sleep right means calculating wake windows, tracking every nap and constantly obsessing about every detail…

And honestly, it’s exhausting.

But you don’t have to choose between following a rigid schedule and completely winging it.

Wake windows aren’t the hard science they’re often made out to be. There’s no magic number of minutes your baby needs to be awake to guarantee a good nap.

BUT. That doesn’t mean routine doesn’t matter.

From around 8–12 weeks, your baby’s circadian rhythm starts becoming more established, and having a loose rhythm to the day can help support their developing body clock.

Things like morning daylight, waking at roughly similar times, familiar bedtime routines and some predictability around naps can all be helpful.

And there’s actually good evidence behind the benefits of consistent bedtime routines too.

None of this means your baby needs to sleep at exactly the same time every day, or that you’ve messed everything up if a nap doesn’t go to plan.

(Of course some babies really thrive on a schedule so if this is you, please knock yourself out!)

You can have a loose daily rhythm and routine AND follow your baby’s cues. You can have some predictability AND be flexible.

There’s a big difference between supporting your baby’s sleep and trying to control it.

And I think a lot of mums would feel so much better if they knew that.

Follow @supporttosleep for attachment-focused, sensible baby sleep support without rigid rules, parent blaming or sleep training 🤍 by @supporttosleep