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I’m back in Lithuania for some time. 

Every day, I meet up with friends (and I feel INCREDIBLY lucky to have them, their genuine support, a million kind words, and honest joy for another person). But,

what’s been most important for me, is telling aaaallll my stories while also showing my real self. 

And I’ve decided to share some real things there, too.

‎ 

Here’s what no one really knows about me because I try hiding it:

1. I’m absurdly demanding with myself and with others.
I have a control complex.

I want everything to be done at 120%, immediately, no compromises.

When was the last time I let myself rest or accept imperfection? I honestly don’t know.

‎ 

2.I’m addicted to external validation

I crave approval, but pretend I don’t care.

Praise, compliments, words like “smart,” “beautiful,” “strong”, they matter to me.

But I’m ashamed of that fact.

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3. I choose emotionally unavailable men and then blame them.

And ye, I know I deserve more, but I keep giving chances to wrong people.
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4. I don’t know how to slow down.

As soon as things get pretty peaceful, I find a new project, a new task, a new crisis.

Because in the quiet, something terrifying might rise.

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5. I live with the constant feeling that I always need to be better.

Not just “good”. Exceptional.

In my career, my body, my relationships, my posts, even my jokes.

Why am I so afraid of just being  just enough?

‎ 

So yeah. This is a short list of things I need to work on this summer.

And most importantly - learning to separate myself from the -image-

Even with old friends.
Even in my own head.

I’m human: passionate, alive, tired..

I cry, I scream, I get angry, I don’t get it, I get scared and sad.

But I’m trying to learn how to live with it, live with myself.

And I believe I will.
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