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nyc • shapeshifter • 🇰🇷
acting teacher @actingwithkp
artistic director @herewearemtcabaret
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26: A photo dump and a dramatic monologue.

I- It's weird. I am both proud of myself and both uneasy at the same time. Is this growing up? Is this finding our way?  I feel like I'm changing and growing and moving but I'm also stagnant and confused and -- I don't know. Whats the word for "faking confidence and being overwhelmed with emotion"? Anyone?

I have had really long year. I am both filled with immense gratitude and overjoyed with many things. But I still find myself feeling like the 16 year old who wrote "Fades to Grey" on her electric keyboard, just waiting for life to happen to her. Not realizing that life doesn't just happen, it makes you a player in its game.  A  piece on a chess board. And the real question isn’t are we a pawn in the game. The real question is when are we gonna realize that we are more than whats on the board. I think thats growing up. Realizing that I can be more . My chess board is just bigger now and my emotions are valid. Who would have thought? 

I'm not sure 16 year old Ndanu would have recognized 26 year old Ndanu. I'm not even sure they would be friends. But isn't that the point? Reflection? What a human emotion. The ability to reflect on your past self. 

I don't know what's going on, but 27 is hitting like a truck. I still have time but I also feel like I don't? Do any of us really have it together? I don't know. Actually. I kinda know that we don't but I'm hoping to fake my way into understanding...since that's what we are all doing anyway. 

It's okay to feel 2 things at once. In order to have Joy, there is pain. No struggle, no progress is what they say. 

So, I welcome 27 with open arms. I take her anxiety and throw it back to the world. I blame the strawberry full moon for my candor. But at least I can admit that I'm still learning. Still growing. Still changing. And I'm okay with that.

Shout out to all my amazing friends and family that saw me through a chaotic year. Without you, I would be more insane. (I could only post 20 photos and I know I missed people! I'm sorry. I love you all!)
10
love my friends love the beach love my life!! happy 25th bday to me!!!!!!
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Proof of life.
25
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