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Just Katie(:

@kayjo_goes

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inspired by life, driven by fear.

a story that started when I got my first phone with a camera and then my first digital camera.

it’s like my eyes have always known beauty and wanted the picture to last beyond when my memory begins to fade.

a solo flower standing strong, a sky painted so beautifully after a tough day, the smile of someone i care so deeply for, the innocent joy of feeling free and just being there, in the moment.

i’ve always loved capturing the moment. sharing it with others and smiling when they appreciate the beauty too.

my mom loved my adventures, my photos, the memories i was creating and sharing. she loved each post, commented, and even sent the “send lots of photos” with every safe travels text. in a way, my adventures were hers.

after being so tragically taken from me, this earth, my vision changed. adventures and beautiful moments became hidden, challenged by the darkness of life. a piece of me shattered amongst the chaos and i didn’t know where to start, so i just stayed. locked down and lost.

after nine months, something inside of me decided that maybe we should try again. begin the search amongst all the broken parts of me and just see. i ordered a @sonyalpha and told myself we were going to take a drive. i knew when i wanted to leave and when i needed to return. i knew i wanted to head north and i wanted to head west. so when the time came, that’s what i did.

i found beauty, felt sadness, challenged fear. i listened to so much music and found so much silence. cold air brushed against my skin, rain danced upon my head, and fog forced me to really focus on what’s in front of me.

i’ve yet to go through all the photos i took on this ten day drive, but i haven’t forgotten all that it was for me. it provided comfort to a part of me that had been lost amongst the shadows. i’m glad i chose to just go, to get gone. i almost didn’t. i didn’t feel up for it. i didn’t have the energy or the drive or the passion, but i finally just packed and hit the road.

*continued in comments

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After two years with our sweet girl, we decided to double the fun

Baby #2 coming next spring!

Do you think she will have a brother or sister? 🥹

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been busy doing better and it honestly feels good
there’s still those little moments
where anxiety kicks in
and i forget how to breathe
but i remember how to catch my breath again

it’s a balance of slowing down and keeping busy
movement and fresh air
binging shows from my childhood
and watching geese from balcony

lots of soaking in the sunshine
listening to the birds chirp
rocking in my rocking chair
and a daily dose gratitude

ashwagandha with breakfast
chamomile tea in the afternoon
magnesium before bed
and a sweet treat when the craving hits

little, but impactful

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looking for anything and everything
any sign, any vibe
because right now ain’t it

i’m always so back and forth on social media
on wanting to post or go ghost
needing to disassociate
wanting to share the highlights
keeping my friends and fam in the “loop”

it’s why i transitioned this account
from something no longer serving me
to a space to feel and be more real
a raw, sort of poetic memoir of the words that fill my head as i lay it to rest each night

i’ve never been great with sharing in real life
i’m not drawn to these sort of deep conversations in person
but my mind can share them with the quiet that haunts me at night

so maybe, if i can remember them by the morning or find the movement to open my notes app, then maybe i’ll share them here

my pillow thoughts

xo

*first photo taken by the talented @francescaknall 🤍

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pillow thoughts vol III

trust, that’s cute

the open road has always been there for me
it’s allowed me to escape
to think
to forget
to move on
when i didn’t know where to go, it did

at times, hitting the road felt like the only thing i could trust
there were always elements of taking care of me while pushing me to edge
letting courage and faith be in control
it allowed so much freedom and flexibility
commitment could never match that feeling for me

in a way, it’s been brewing my entire life
this sort of distrust in comfort
i could probably reflect back
create a timeline with no beginning or end
it wouldn’t solve anything
i’d still be here and they’d be there

you probably think there’s a way out
a struggle to a more secure feeling
a safe moment in time
but to get there, would require what i can’t give
there is no part of me willing to give up just enough to get even more
that fear as you may call it, is my safe place

it’s all i’ve known
it’s contributed to every version of me
it’s the one constant in myself, my life
it is me

what’s your escape?

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pillow thoughts vol II

i’m not sorry

for having emotions or feelings
for needing to take care of myself
for just not wanting to
for not being able to

i can’t be the versions of me that you’ve come to know, to love
not right now

my mind is on this journey that i don’t quite understand
and my soul is a little lost right now
pieces of me have scattered, drifted in the wind
and i’ve yet to try searching for them

it all seems so calm in a weird way
like the chaos has found its spot
it’s hidden, comfy, just waiting
the storm will rise

i will appear again
maybe as a me that you know
or maybe repurposed
a sort of vintage collection thrown at a canvas
broken, jagged, faded, beautiful

me

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life is crazy
sometimes you need a trash night

i am a little disappointed in the lack of raccoons, but the vibes were electric

Modelo in a can, always
don’t forget the lime

flash tats, pop up nail art
deer on the wall
college pendants

it’s giving small town
it’s giving college campus
it’s giving Indiana

i’m here for it

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a tourist wants to escape
a traveller wants to experience

and me
i’m just a transplant
trying to live
trying to escape
trying to experience

sometimes i want it all
sometimes i want nothing at all

but i almost always want to take a picture
and grab coffee
and enjoy a pastry

i want to stroll
and breathe
and not have to pay for parking

i want to explore
and enjoy good food
and chat with even better company

i want to be reckless
and worry less
and be brave again

i want a rooftop
patio weather
fireside vibes

i want to bring my dog

i kind of just want to be
me

you?

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if i can wear my boots, count me in.

it took me a while to get here… to this place where i feel comfortable embracing a country aesthetic.

i remember a point in my life where i fought it so hard.
i didn’t want to be country, redneck, small town.
i wanted ‘options’.
i wanted experiences bigger than the fields we grew up in.
i wanted to be more than just a town, a state.
i wanted to be free.

now i embrace all the parts of me i refused to acknowledge, to accept.
now, i find peace driving an old country road with corn on both sides.
i love sitting by a fire, drink in hand, wood crackling.
the smell of harvest. tractors.

i miss the little pleasures and comforts i took for granted when i was younger.
but im finding balance.
creating home.
solitude.

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i think you’re pretty neat

a vibe. a dream. a memory.

a saturday night.

a once was and a hope to be.

a from me to me.

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