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Former Shop Keeper, Former East Coaster, Current Art Creator, and Colorado Resider. She/Her
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I don’t know about you, but I am still getting out from underneath this insidious and unpleasant feeling that I am always on the verge of getting in trouble. I’m not even sure with who, most of the time. It’s like the internalized voice of the patriarchy, of capitalism, supremacy/binary thinking…all mixed up with my own personal traumas and abandonments. It’s not ever present and my intentional healing and growth work has lessened the presence of this voice. But damn if isn’t still there! I am in the business of being gentle with my traumas and my wounds, and I try not to add negative self talk on to the pile. And, it’s WILD that a full grown, self-confident, emotionally intelligent woman might still exit a room being like “who did I offend? Who’s mad at me? Who’s about to pull me aside and tell me how I f*cked up? Who’s about to end a friendship without telling me?” And for those thoughts to overwhelm completely pleasant interactions. Who am I in trouble with. What?! Excuse me. No. 

And here’s the thing: half of those anxieties are simply about being given feedback. I KNOW that I want to know if I’ve hurt someone. It’s feedback I want. It doesn’t ruin me. It never has. It’s an investment in a relationship, to be given feedback. And those past traumas and abandonments? The people in my life now are different. Anyone has the potential to hurt us at any time, of course. But at this point, my people and I have proved to each other that we work through it. I’m not on the verge of being abandoned, and even if someone decided to ghost, I have the tools and the community to navigate that pain just fine. 

Unlearning all this sh*t is real. It’s about getting free. I’m so glad I have a #journalasaltar practice to help me get there. 

I am not get-in-troublable; I am worthy of feedback. And I am my own. 

I’m not sharing this because I need or want advice. I’m sharing because maybe you can relate, and because I like to give voice to this human experiment. 

📓🖋🕯✨

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