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I am a photographer and family man living with ALS. https://secure.alsnorthwest.org/site/TR/Endurance/General?px=1002721&pg=personal&fr_id=1190
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Happy 4th birthday to my sweet boy, and happy birthday to Colin. 

Holding these two milestones at the same time is heavy, but it’s also full of so much love. When I look at Mads I see so much of Colin—in his smile, his laugh, his curiosity, and the brave way he takes on the world. 

Colin, we miss you every second, but today we celebrate you right alongside the incredible little boy you gave me.
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Work/play trip to Val di Sole. Super fun to be back at World Champs after 10 years. Great to see so many friends and check out all the race action. I normally follow everything online, so being on the ground and hiking around the course was a treat! I was also very excited to finally ride some of the local passes, including the famous Passo Gavia! I had the fun job of awarding many podium medals. Always a special moment to meet fellow Czech rider on the podium. 

Last two pictures are from 2013 when I was fighting with @tanjazakelj for the win. Tanja got me on the last lap, and I was probably pretty bummed back then. With time, I think every World Cup podium was a great achievement. The last two pictures were taken by @meagherdude . His legacy lives on through his incredible work. I’m so glad to have a few of his pics. All photoshoots with Colin were memorable! Colin passed away 6 months ago, and I think about him and his family often 🙏.
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Six months without Colin. Six months of adapting to a completely new version of my life—learning to let go of people who don’t hold me up, and opening space for those who do. I’m working hard to take care of my body, mind, and heart in ways I couldn’t before his death.

I sometimes wonder if there’s a version of me in a parallel universe who handled all of this better. But I doubt it. We both did the best we could for eight years—constantly reminded of the fragility of life, and filling those years with laughter, adventure, love, and family. It was a profound thing to walk Colin to the end of his life, and I am forever changed by it. We miss you CM ❤️‍🩹
#widow #grief #newlife
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Today I was joined by a small crew to spread some of Colin’s ashes on Mt. St. Helens. It was a beautiful day to be out on bikes with friends, forever grateful for the many adventures and memories Colin and I had in this zone. 

@thegrimyhandshake reminded me that while Colin is gone, he’s also everywhere. And that I was bringing him to a place where he most wanted to be.

Thank you for sharing this special moment with me @bekah.rottenberg @moremichlove  @annekeller1 and @jenzeuner 💙

And yes, there was tears, laughter and some gorgeous pedaling had. Even as I was hit by waved of emotion i reminded myself that there is no right or wrong way to do grief. Sadness, happiness, anger, relief and the entire gamut of emotions are still part of my life. Colin wanted nothing more than for me and the kids to continue to live and make the most of this one precious life we are granted. And so it goes… 

Bekah said it best as we cracked a @pfriembeer bourbon barrel imperial stout—thank you for bringing us to all these amazing places Colin 🍻

#mtsthelens #windyridge #patagoniamtb #terminalillness ashestoashesdusttodust
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Lots of firsts as we navigate life lately. Madoc’s first Father’s Day without his dad. At 3.5 he still doesn’t really understand impermanence, but it’s a constant conversation in our household ❤️‍🩹

Colin would be so proud Mads - he is officially shredding on a pedal bike, sleeping through “most” nights and expanding his taste in cured meats, even the spicy ones. Every time we see a butterfly we say “hi dad” and it’s a good reminder that he is always with us as we continue living. 

Colin, we miss you. Thank you for giving us all the gift of Madoc and for your love. We are all better for it.
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Last night we gathered and celebrated Colin. It was a beautiful evening filled with family, friends, memories, laughter, and tears. The stories told perfectly captured his spirit, zest for life and human connection. And Colin would have loved everything about the night except the lack of tequila. 

In my speech, I read the following:

“If I could tell Colin anything right now, I would tell him how incredibly loved he is. How brave he was at the end. How being married to him is a badge of honor I will carry with me forever. When I look up at the stars, I picture him looking down on me and the kids, smiling as we keep moving forward.

Madoc and I talk about Colin often. I tell him how much his dad loves him — how his energy and spirit surround us, and will be a guiding light as he grows up.”

It was such a gift — to witness, all together, the love we hold for Colin and I hope to carry that forward into this next chapter. 🤍

Thank you to everyone who held me together and helped me pull this night together — it takes a village, and I’m forever grateful for mine:
@brave.endeavors @dorothy.topp @7seastrees @adventureswithhart @dirtyfingersbikes @melaniestrong @heronpondfarms @mnkucher830

#fuckals #terminalillness #widow #grateful
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