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Samantha Adkins

@samisew2

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The older I get the more I miss you. I've lived in the house you've built for a long time now. The energy has always been off here since you left us. It doesn't matter how many times we paint the walls or clean it from the ceiling to the floorboards it feels like half a home. Stuck in a stasis of grief & could-have-beens 18 years feels like a century without you. Even when I put down my rose tinted glasses & the other trappings of Nostalgia I admire you. You had a fire in you that I now have, for so long it felt alien to me because you died when I was just 14 and no other person I've met had that spark. You were like a candle with a dynamite fuse, crackling against the black swallowing abyss around you, shining almost in spite of it all. Strength & grace are earned by paying the heaviest of soul-bending prices. You never lost your heart, your resolve, your will to go forward at any cost. But with all of this I know you were no hero, no paragon, just a survivor. What I fear the most is you fading in the minds of those who live after us. A piece of you lives in the ones still here: a laugh, a smile, an inappropriate turn of phrase or nickname. The one thing that I have no problem reconciling is that you left on your own terms at the time you wanted to. God what I would give to hear your laugh one more time, watch one more episode of X-Files, or ride in that little blue LeBaron with the top down with YOU. Even if only for a moment.
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