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I’m not ready to say goodbye đŸ€

I am so grateful to have found such an amazing group of people to spend the past 15 years with. They made every late night, 3-day dance comp, and long rehearsal the best it could possibly be. They made me the person I am today and I am eternally thankful for the time I spent with every single one of them 💕
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Just an average week in my life đŸȘ©âœšđŸ’•
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Dear dance,
Thank you for the last 15 years. Without you, I would not be who I am today. You have provided me with a form of expression greater than any therapy. You have helped heal me and been by my side when it felt like no one else was. You have brought me my bestest friends and closest relationships. Although our journey together is not over it feels weird to think that my time as a CDW dancer has come to an end. It doesn’t feel real. I don’t want it to be real. 

To CDW,
Thank you for being the one constant in my life. Thank you for believing in me and trusting me with your artistic vision. Thank you for making me fall in love with dance. Thank you for giving me my best friends. I will be forever grateful for all you have done for me. 

UVM Dance 🔜
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feels weird to say that it’s done â€ïžđŸ–€
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Cheesy Post Alert 🧀:
Two years ago today I was being admitted into residential treatment for the second time. It had been 8 months since I was allowed to dance, but that weekend was a comp weekend and I wanted to watch my team. The intake person informed me that if I waited the weekend I would lose my bed and be put back on the wait list for another  6-8 weeks. 6-8 weeks I didn’t have. 

Two years ago today I packed up the things I thought I would need. It’s hard to pack when you don’t know how long you’ll be gone, or when you hate the idea of leaving. I was mad at the world for making me miss that weekend and mad at myself for letting it get bad again, mad that I didn’t listen even after countless people told me if I didn’t pull my act together I would have to go back. 

If you were to tell two years ago me that tonight I would be competing a solo that I choreographed myself about that very experience, I would’ve laughed in your face. I convinced myself that I was going to be stuck in the endless cycle of an eating disorder forever and never dance again. And I definitely wouldn’t have believed that I choreographed my solo about my story. 

Dates like today are always hard. It is a numeric reminder of an event that frankly, I would like to forget. But my mind holds on to the memories like a time capsule, only opening on anniversaries such as today. As much as I would like to forget about my time in treatment, I would not be the person I am today with it. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even BE here today without it. I wouldn’t have a place of hurt to channel while dancing and I wouldn’t know to appreciate sunsets because there was a time where I couldn’t go outside to see them. I wouldn’t know what true love and support feels like or to not take a moment on stage for granted because there was a time where I couldn’t be on that stage. 

So, even though this day two years ago was one of the hardest days of my life, I wouldn’t change it because it got me here. And today I get to perform. I get to feel loved and supported. I get to appreciate a sunset and not take the stage for granted. I get to reclaim March 9th as mine.
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