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"This love is mine, all mine" - Mitski

To love is to be changed. The last year of my life has been filled with so much unexpected joy, incredibly debilitating heartbreak, and an enormously painful self transformation. For most of my life, I've avoided any sort of vulnerability, openness, or feelings out of the fear of the pain that can come along with that level of connection. But life is full of irony, and the only way to reap the rewards of being loved, we must submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. To have any connection worth having, we have to be brave and choose the risk of the pain that comes along with love. I went into 2023 secretly thinking that I would never find that level of love and community,  that maybe I didn't even deserve it. I didn't know how to find it. I almost gave up, even though it's what I've been yearning for my whole life. And then I met someone and fell in love; true, head over heels, in love. It was the best 6 months of my life. However, I realized I was still afraid to open myself up all the way. Love is scary. Love is full of risk. I did take that risk, and in the end, the risk didn't pay off, in the worst way possible. I've never felt something so insanely painful than heartbreak like this. All of my worst fears came true. To open myself up wholly to a person, hoping for love and connection, only to be met with cruelty and betrayal. But then I had a thought; I've been closing myself off emotionally and spiritually to everyone in my life to protect myself from pain like this, and it still happened anyway. Now what? Where do I go from here? This person broke my heart wide open. I swore that despite this heartbreak, I wouldn't close off my heart any longer. Because of this decision, I have never felt more loved and seen in my entire life. By choosing to open myself to love, I have made my friendships deeper and met so many incredible people who are full of love and joy. And during a time like this where I thought I should feel the most unlovable, worthless, and unimportant , I have never been met with more love, compassion, and happiness than I have ever experienced. The best thing I've ever done is to love ❤️
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