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takredup

@takredup

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all the letters from 2022-2025 by @takredup

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2 days ago

My 2-cents is I believe that apology is a love language too.

I’ve been thinking about this since I did my evening prayer and I realized, “crap, when was the last time I allow myself to accept apology?”

This amazing book named Child In You just made me realized that we carry childhood wounds in the different way. Mine thought that in order to be loved, I have to be an easy one. So I put aside all my needs and demands.

While it is not completely wrong, I don’t deny that sometimes, i still feel like loving me may feel like a burden. or I am a burden. I don’t know.

Given the fact that Asian family is rarely using word of affirmation, apology is rare to be heard and sometimes, just sometimes, I kinda feel like I don’t deserve to listen to one. Because it feels like a familiar word in my tongue, yet not in my ears.

but man, am I not human being too? I think I’ve been crueler to myself more than I could think.
how do I hope that all along the way, this little kid inside me learn that she is too a human being. and a human being could fall, could make a mistake, could be hurt, and it is fine.

I’ve heard this line and it hits me, “a sorry may be the only thing your child waits to hear from you.”

I could make a mistake too, and oh how do I hope I have a courage to say that to my kids one day, “dear my love, I am sorry that I hurt you. really, you matter to me and I love you.”

menyenangkan rasanya dikasihi lewat bahasa kasih yang kita mengerti. thanks to my girlie, wika, to always facilitate my love language to be photographed 😋 by @takredup

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8 days ago

C.S. Lewis once said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." Growing up as a child who mostly figured life out alone, I didn't like his statement. What do you mean I can be seen as weak?

I think it is not only a personal problem. Society somewhat agrees that the best practice in romance is to hide our love so that we don't get hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is wise not to be driven by our feelings, but there's a thin line between wise and scared. I realize I lean towards the fear.

Because wouldn't it scare you to open up and get rejected? The idea of waking up every day next to one person who gets access to my unfiltered self haunts me.

Wouldn't it scare you that he will see you so in love with your cats that you drive to the vet at 9 pm? And what if he says "that's just an animal" while your heart holds so much love for that tiny being? Wouldn't it scare you that your dreams sound like a fantasy, and he doesn't bother to take a look?

I think about it and I know for sure I faked composure just because I was so afraid. I was so afraid of getting hurt.

But if I am being honest, I think it is true that vulnerability and love are a package deal. We fall in love with broken human beings. I will hurt, and I will be hurt. That is inevitable.

Yet isn't that the beauty of it? I daydream of growing old with someone. And damn, I know we're professionals, but I hope I get a random call in the middle of a Monday saying, "I can't think clearly because I keep thinking about you." I'd want to rush out of my sparkly job just to see him.

I hate crying when I tell people my dreams or how painful it is to lose someone, but I'll shed tears anyway, because it turns out it will be just fine.

Lewis closed his statement by saying, "The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."

It is true. Even God lost His composure that He made a questionable decision to leave His throne and died on the cross. just because of love.

I think about it again, and I don't want to live in hell.

And that, stalkers, my 2 cents of love. by @takredup

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11 days ago

out of many subjects that captivates me, human being is my favorite.

sometimes I stop and stare to the crowd just to observe an old man smoking or two mothers laughing and chit chatting. from a mass problem that requires public policy to a single child crying her heart out, it is always interesting to observe the way they think & feel.

I may not have the whole clue to human being, but that’s the beauty of it. you can never fathom one man because it is beauty in complexity.

so when it comes to marriage, I’m still wondering how can two persons, with their own depths; their childhood, their wounds, their hobbies, their dreams, could collide and not collapse. what I’ve seen in my everyday life, people just surviving marriage and not enjoying it. will that be my portion too?

I heard this in the church, that God favors marriage. His first miracle was made in a wedding. Jeremiah is my favorite book in the Bible because God pictured Himself as a husband, rather than judge or king or owner of this universe, a very vulnerable approach to describe betrayal. In Bible, love feels like a grand sacred thing, not just a hormonal burst that fades overtime.

seems that the real world and the Bible has an opposite view for marriage, which makes me think if Bible really has a realistic standard or suppose I be honest, is my standard really realistic.

to the point when I’m writing this, I still don’t have the firm answer cause I’m not married enough to prove that theory.

however I went to pray yesterday to the adoration room and I saw a parent with two beautiful children came to the church with sparks in their face. the children were running and the parent just giggling. what a beautiful view to contradict my unbelief.

and I don’t know why I got teary typing this, but I’m sure somewhere somewhere in that spiritual realm, even if I only have a little faith, if marriage is a calling, then God alone will come and path a way. just like the wedding at Cana. and if not, truly we already have One true love who never leaves. by @takredup

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a month ago

Unresolved sketch n sengaja ga selesai, selain karena mager 😭🙏 aku rasa lucu jg membiarkan coret2an aq yg ga cucok2 amat ini di sini, giving room to the inner child.

Now u know there’s two sketches I am mostly obsessed: the lost sheep & the cross. I think it feels personal because I —most of the time, got lost like a sheep from God and when I feel lost, apparently I love staring at the cross.

I grow up in a Pentecostal church, but Catholicism has been playing important role to my faith journey these past 2 years (yes you got it rite! the starring at the cross hobby started since I went to cathedral).

It feels healing, you know. I remember there’s this passage in Exodus where Israelites stared at the bronze serpent and healed from the plague. Growing up, I know it is also a symbol of the upcoming event, of Christ who came, died at the cross and healed us.

Now I kinda see the logical reason why it feels healing when I stared at it. Maybe not for everyone, but it works for me. Whenever I see the cross, I remember I have God who loves me and will always back me up when I’m afraid or not sure which way is which way 😂

Now that I don’t plan to convert anytime soon, I guess my take away is really God, what can I do without You in my life? I lost like a sheep too many times and You’ve been the antidote to my sorrow and anxious mind. I’m not a saint so that I long Your presence, I just realize how fragile I am without You in my life. by @takredup

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2 months ago

tho my painting is far from perfect, but I’m happy to come this way 🐑

“Lihatlah Anak domba Allah, yang menghapus dosa dunia.”
‭‭Yohanes‬ ‭1‬:‭29‬ ‭TB‬ by @takredup

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5 months ago

“Jalan-Nya mungkin lebih lama, mungkin serasa tidak ada ujungnya. Tapi begitu juga bintang-bintang saat diciptakan.
Begitu juga bumi, dan begitu juga lah hidup kita.

Hal yang baik dan berharga tidak lahir dari tempat yang mudah.” by @takredup

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5 months ago

Dari awal turun gunung dlm keadaan hidup sm CG aku yg manteb itu, wkwkwk, honestly I was never traumatized, I just love teasing my friends saying the mountain was killing.

Well, I’m not that sporty & it was indeed a bit killing me, but there’s this constant awe of wonder I have when I do it. The same feeling I used to have when I went to Cathedral for the first time.

Tiap kali liat gunung aku suka mikir, “damn tinggi banget men. who is the Creator of this magnificent place?” then I remember it is God. but who is God? I started to lose my own understanding of His character.

I used to recognize His hand when life gets down, but silence seems win this round. I doubt Him.

Life makes me bitter and I lose hope all along the way, you know it too well if you stalk this account.

But I started to bail my eyes again when I saw the strong rocks in front of my eyes. Feels like God alone was standing tall and I was just a tiny being.

He keeps the universe in His palm. He stacks the ground and He holds the sea. Each one of the living being is never out of His sight.

For the God of heaven and earth who doesn’t need to prove anything, my life shouldn’t be His business. I am not worthy. But He sees me and He hears my prayer when I cry out to Him.

And dear God, You know this child is overly poetical, but any chance You have an Instagram or You read this, knows that I meant my words; sorry that I doubt You. You are my solid rock and mountain, my favorite hiding place. by @takredup

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5 months ago

there’s this line in Latin Language says, “Fiat Voluntas Tua.” which in my mother language it says, “Jadilah kehendak-Mu.”

It is the line that we pray in Doa Bapa Kami, it is also a line that Mother Mary said when Angel Gabriel came to her, announcing her destiny.

But I’ve found myself struggling on saying that line. Turns out, the good kid I once was labeled has a lot of questions and doubts inside her head.

As I pray tonight, I realize that it has been years since I dared to have a high hope on something. So I said this liner unconsciously, guess prayer is indeed magical, “Biarlah keraguanku berjalan bersisian dengan imanku yang tidak banyak, sebab aku tidak mampu berharap dengan sempurna & dengan sisa2 ini, aku mau taat.”

And then I bail my eyes out in tears and I write this caption on Insta, just to let my future self know, I’ve walked a rough path in holding on to my faith. But surely I know the God whom I worship is true and a living faithful God. He knows me well, He doesn’t give the stone to the one who asks for the bread.

Fiat Voluntas Tua, Bapa. Be unto me according to Your word. by @takredup

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6 months ago

Talking about relationship and my hopeless love story is against my vulnerability & gengsi, but here I am typing this at 2.09 am.

God wants us to be with the kind person, the one that makes love is worth having. But for the longest time in my life, I thought good love should look neat and filling all the check lists. While it is not completely wrong, I guess my understanding of good love has shifted a bit.

I thought he must be gentle, reading Bible all the time, serving at the church, good at saving money, smart, sporty, doing charity, and all other stuffs. I have my own lists too.

But this thing keeps ringing in my heart as I go to my prayer, I couldnt help but to assume that this might be God.

He is saying, none of those lists matter, He only requests someone who is willing to love. "And the rest I will add."

And that hits me deep.

I know I'm not good at being loved. I reject help, I struggle to depend on someone. As narcistic as it sounds, I want to but seems like my default setting has been comfortable for being independent most days of my life. So when He is saying someone who loves, i know that speaks my very own weakness.

But also, my very own desire.

He is right. What else I need from a man? I think the most attractive thing from a guy is his genuine love, proven through time and struggles.

I dont need rocket science smart guy nor the richest in the world. The picture of the marriage that I want is where my kids yap how much their parents love each other & the person i dream to marry is someone whom his death is the only part that I am scared of.

He might be silly and his past life might be mess, but I know this love is worth having because he is willing to love and to serve.

I'm flaw, so is my spouse. Good love shudnt require a perfect human being.

I hope I'll marry the kind guy, the imperfect one with dry jokes & questionable taste of food, the one who is humble and patient enough to play with the children, the one who treats other people equal.

the one that his death i mourn so bad (yes i repeat, lol) and at his funeral i could say, "Kalau dunia diulang berkali kali, aku mau dipilih & memilih dia.” The one who loves like Jesus loves. by @takredup

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7 months ago

baru2 ini aku baru baca buku judulnya The Child in You. bukunya bagus banget dan sebagai pegiat psikologi lol, aku seneng bacanya karena eye-opening. aku jadi sadar ada banyak luka masa kecil aku ——yang kukira udh beres, eh ternyata masih ada sisanya. atau mungkin seumur hidup, itu jadi luka permanen yang kita harus hadapi lagi dan lagi.

kalau baca caption-caption fotoku yang sebelumnya, you might get a clue that it was more concerned to the way I feel that I never be good enough.

because it is true. i deal with it. every academic failures, rejected opportunity, works’ mistakes or even unfinished love life, it screams one name, “I am not good enough.”

Now that I have known its name, I thought It will be much easier to manage the pain. But, nope. Not these months. I am wrestling again & again with my self-esteem.

So I dedicated this a bit NPD sketch wkwk, just to be a kinder to my judgmental self. kayak kalo dilihat2, if this girl in the sketch is other woman, I wouldnt say all the hurtful critical things I dare to say to myself.

She is pretty, unique, may not be a Miss Universe pretty, but I am sure she is such a lovely. in the way she dreams, the way she is kind, just like other women she admires. by @takredup

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7 months ago

jokes on me by @takredup

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7 months ago