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ammara

@tender.yarrow

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a gentle landing, loving emergence
soft grief centered magic + medicine🌱🍂✨️🫧🐚🔥🌙
nurtured by queer disabled khmer nd hands
dxʷdəwʔabš land
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hello beloveds, its about time i re-introduce myself 🌼 my name is ammara (AHM-mah-rrah), a queer khmer witch-poet, artist, organizer, and space holder on duwamish land. im also an autistic lil bean who’s been disabled by long covid (+ still covid-ing). i’m grateful that y’all somehow found your way here across the interwebs to share virtual space with me.  my work is informed by transformative + healing justice + the land–i deeply believe that moving towards collective liberation and the world we dream of requires unlearning oppressive practices within our most intimate relationships. where dominant society tells us to dispose of and shame our grief, ancestral memory reminds us grief is our love fiercely wishing to flow into the world. to be rooted in tenderness is to be rooted in power–it is a portal to intimacy, to wholeness, to love, and i am all about nothing if not love.  plants are my muse, mentors, soul kin. i grew up speaking their language, making plant potions in the garden as a child and dreaming about being a medicine cat in the alternate universe of warriors (iykyk), to doing plant ecology fieldwork in undergrad and eventually learning herbalism (shoutout @hoodherbalism for initiating my journey). i remain awed whenever i hear them calling. they remind me of abundance, reciprocity, presence; what it means to be in right relationship. healing as our birthright. i honor my yeay whose plant knowledge was the reason my family survived genocide, and why i am here. my current practice in plant medicine is rooted in lineage, reconnection, memory, and so much joy (apothecary diaries is perhaps my new fav anime if only because maomao is me).  i’m hoping to collaborate more with folks in community and constantly looking to co-create x facilitate x hold space with others. don’t be afraid to reach out or say hi if you see me out in the world–my scorpio rising hides the fact i’m truly just a soft sensitive baddie who craves deep connection ♡ thank you for being here and receiving the medicine i have to offer. (🌱ive been moving on crip time--but catch me this saturday august 2nd at the queer summer market, cap hill aids memorial pathway from 12 - 6pm) by @tender.yarrow
11
a year ago
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Hello! I wanted to give an update on my mutual aid effort. As of today we have received a total of $2,203. $$$ has covered tuition and home repairs. fund$$$ will be used for supporting my beloved family by providing safer housing and economic stability during this transition. My crowdfund was on hold for a bit due to issues with gofundme but have now set my post public. Currently, I need help with increasing visibility with my post. Therefore, I am asking if anyone would be open to collab. Let me know via dm or comment. comments, shares and reposts also help with visibility so those are alsob helpful! Lastly, thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who have sent fund$$$, shared, checked in with us. Ur support/care has truly meant so much as navigating all of this has been v scary and isolating at times. Also, to my dear friends and family who gave me advice, courage, and space to rest and grieve thoughout these years thank you for your (literally) lifesaving and lifechanging love :’) by @tender.yarrow
3
13 days ago
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~disabled dignity~ a long black-haired person adorned in silver jewelry stands in a gray gown that sparkles like starlight. they wear a light indigo cloak with the hood on and a black mask. their left hand holds a black cane, right hand outstretched holding an orb of galaxies. smoke swirls below their feet; in the background, gray rainy skies blend into pastel hues of lavender & orange, left to right. a pair of crows fly above their shoulder. i’ve struggled with the vision of this piece for a while, wanting to capture the magic & vulnerability felt within. the high priestess has been a steadfast intimate companion through the years of grief. she’s given life-saving reminders about trusting myself, about tenderness, truth, love, boundaries. standing in my dignity. these days, i’ve been plagued by the question of how to take up space in a world that doesn’t want you. that spites & despises you. embarrasses you. chastises you for living. recently, most days i’m simply fighting for the will to keep going. there also have been small moments of access intimacy & disabled care that somehow revive my breath when i’m barely above water. reaffirming my holiness in the mess, sacredness in the stumbling slowness. revealing the beauty when we strip away notions of worth in ‘productivity’ ‘usefulness’ & convenience. there is an entire world waiting for us just beyond the door. borrowing the words of alice wong in my recent substack: “we disabled are oracles who know how to survive, who have been forced to navigate unsurvivable conditions because of the failure of community & the state. the world is becoming apocalyptic as fuck, & if i’ve learned anything in my time being both disabled & learning more of disability justice from disabled organizers, it’s that we need to listen to disabled wisdom.” i will be forever grateful for all the beings who encouraged me to be unapologetic in my skin. friends & strangers who flooded me with awe, affirmations of my continued badassery & pride at caring for myself. for giving myself permission to access the world as we all deserve. peek this illustration in a new project ill be sharing at the @asamzinefestseattle next week! by @tender.yarrow
0
22 days ago
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~returning~ my third piece in the series on grief and desolation, completed a year after i started the sketch. a lil person with long hair sits on shoreline rocks, splashed by rough ocean waves under a post-storm lightened gray sky, with text that reads, "i am in love with life despite, despite, despite." this has been the first drawing ive worked on in what feels like ages. long covid has been effectively beating my ass; i’ve been moving through so much grief around capacity, vulnerability, hopelessness, not having as much energy for being creative. life is so big and ive recognized how much mine has shrunk in comparison. there is something heartbreaking about watching beautiful, lovely things just out of reach. much of life currently has felt that way, and living has felt incredibly difficult. exhausting and fatiguing beyond measure. i cant really think of heartfelt inspiring words rn, but im sending such deep care to especially disabled kin whose grief feels so massive and endless while the world seems to move on--who dream of a life beyond this violent hellhole. im there with you. this piece (without text), alongside the other water drawings drifting and tumbling, will be available at the opening of this is a show about grief, held at @ghostgallery there will be limited quantities available for purchase. hope you go check it out, maybe see you there <3 by @tender.yarrow
0
a month ago
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I really don’t like wearing a mask.  It's uncomfortable (a sensory nightmare), makes me a target for harassment & scrutiny. Yet, life-affirming choices aren’t popular nor easy. Thru my years learning more of oppression & disability justice, one thing became abundantly clear–nothing worth doing is convenient. Love & care are inconvenient as fuck.  I mask because I owe it to myself to give the care denied to me by a world that wants me dead. Because I refuse to continuously spread disease like the colonial state desires. Because they lied to us about co-vid ending & how dangerous it is. It continues to kill & disable millions. I mask because everyone is worth protecting. Because sick disabled people deserve dignity & access to space. Some of you only wear a mask with your disabled friend, but there are thousands of others who exist who won’t announce their presence & ask you mask. It’s courtesy. It’s access intimacy. It’s collective care. Yes, push for masking again in the “big 3” AND those are not the only places we exist in. You should be wearing a mask everywhere you think sick disabled people deserve to be.  I mask because Long Co-vid took my life from me. And it can take anyone’s life, especially with the dramatic rate of collective re-infection. I refuse to give someone another infection that could cause ruinous health complications. We're losing our capacity for empathy & science literacy. Masking is like handwashing & safer seggs practices. Masking does not keep you from living your life, but you know what might? Getting sick over & over & developing Long Co-vid. The research shows the skyrocketing rates of brain damage, heart attacks, strokes & other debilitating conditions connected to co-vid. I'm coming to #WorldMaskWeek late & considered not posting because I hate this app. But y'all are worth it to me, even if I may not be worth it to you. One more person choosing to mask again, breaking the chain of transmission. Protecting our world starts here in small actions. Relational care. More pan/demics are on their way. How will you show up, do right by your people? Masking is stepping into my longing for a liveable world. I hope you choose life~ by @tender.yarrow
19
4 months ago
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~homecoming ii~ the joy of khmer new year coincides with the grief of the khmer rouge era. been cocooning and spending lots of time caring for self these past weeks, but am emerging briefly to share the lil pieces of reflection that have been surfacing (albeit a lil late). just as the stories of land have always been part of my lineage, so has the experience of moving thru grief. there is deep love in my lineage that im learning to hold with the reverence it is owed. i will always be grateful to the plant kin and the land, who kept my family alive and who allowed me to be here today--whose spirit moves within all of us so that we remember where we truly come from and belong. we lost nearly everything when 90% of our artists were killed--but the land lives on and will never let us forget. fifty one years and counting. more on my substack, link in bio <3 by @tender.yarrow
0
5 months ago
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update: order form for grief zines now live in my bio, feel free to share with your homies and loved ones ~ excited to share the first tender yarrow vending event of 2026 + a new zine!! covid grief diaries, pandemic love letters by melanated + bipoc kin, issue ii, holds so much tenderness, longing, and dreams. ive also reprinted a limited amount of issue i due to popular demand come find me this saturday in portland for the @aznzinefest with these babies fresh off the press + the most incredible lineup of artists--you don't want to miss out~ by @tender.yarrow
2
7 months ago
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I think about care ~ fractals ~ so much and how tending to our relationships is fundamental to the worlds we want to build. I think about the question ji-youn asked in our processing rage course: "are we ready for a world where oppressive systemic institutions no longer exist? Do we know how to relate with each other in that world? Do we know how to not punish ourselves or each other when these systems no longer exist?" Care is connection--and very much tied to anti-violence work. This last month or so really clarified how personal it is for me, working with the intimate, the relational. My wish is that we all learn to commit more to care as anti-violence work, for we are mirrors of each other in seeding liberatory futures. Link in bio to read more ~ by @tender.yarrow
0
8 months ago
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~an ode to the motherland and her fruits~ I remember first listening to "knowing your taste", a podcast recording by kalyanee mam, and being both so blown away and deeply seen. she explored the question of what it means for our hearts to know the soil, water, plants; and highlighted the khmer language as a place that reaffirms that we are forever connected and part of the land, wherever we are. 'ror cheate', or taste 'ror-ka cheate,' or flora 'thom-a cheate,' or nature 'pai-the cheate,' or country what does it mean to long for the taste of our ancestral homeland, to know it intimately? i think so much about the foods that nourished me, that perhaps were part of the medicine that tended to my bodymind and spirit in a way only our birth lands can do. i think so much about the fact that despite the fear of traveling back to cambodia because of my long covid symptoms, i did not experience a major body crash or flare up (w exception of the awful food poisoning). admittedly im still in awe of that fact. the land teaches us so much about care and love and healing, and i am forever grateful for its abundant blessings, for holding me in all my sick, mad, disabled, queer messiness, for remembering me still when we are oceans apart <3 by @tender.yarrow
0
8 months ago
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oh to be full of love and grief. ive just returned from a 3-week trip to the homeland, and despite still being in recovery from ten days of severe illness, my heart is bursting at the seams. returning to the u.s. has me feeling like a part of my soul is missing, and admittedly every day ive been on the verge of a meltdown. being in the diaspora complicates so many aspects of grief, and there's sure to be art and poetry that will be emerging from me in the coming months, once ive had more time to process. one thing I will say is that i had so many thoughts and reflections on disability + care--i.e., the ease and safety i felt with so many people masking/the practice of masking being so normalized--and if you'd like to read more you can find the link to my substack in my bio. but now that im back, im finally able to pick up the projects id put on pause--still moving slowly, but submissions for the co-vid grief zine is still open until the end of the month, pls share with your community and homies <3 thank you for being here by @tender.yarrow
1
9 months ago
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~divine is the luminous dark~ im over halfway thru grief magic with @motherwortandrose and was particularly feeling into our last session diving into wintering, welcoming the descent into the underworld. i love being with the night, the silence and stillness. there's been a lot of fear of the shorter, darkening days, but im reminded that more time with darkness "means more time with the night sky, with rest, with dreaming, with firelight, starlight, candle light." i was reminded of the awe and magic of holding my breath and experiencing bioluminescence, and the aurora borealis, for the first time last year--recognizing that it is the dark that allows for these miracles to be witnessed. there is a spaciousness to exist, breathe a little more deeply, in this liminal space between worlds. there is something so lovely about the duality of the night--how it both shrinks and expands. our attention and presence is called to what is immediately around us as everything becomes smaller, and yet our senses open, and we dive into the womb, dreaming of possibilities and transformation. the dark prepares us for rebirth, and is a source of life. as we approach winter solstice, may you rest deeply, quietly, dream with the stars alongside the spirits, and bask in warm candlelight. by @tender.yarrow
0
10 months ago
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afloat~floating~ (a series on desolation and grief) depression has been a longtime friend of mine, but it hasn’t always been that way. for years, there was such a deep shame that something was “wrong” for feeling this way, and fierce resistance against numbness. because of it, i hurt not just myself, but loved ones around me. it was an arduous (and still ongoing) journey to recognize this embodied response as protective and loving, in the face of so much violence and harm, to reimagine it as not a flaw, but a natural weather pattern i’d move through like any other emotional state, and eventually find myself on the other side. i could talk for hours about this; i’ve learned there is wisdom in holding space for this fertile ground of possibility. cocooning in liminality, if only to offer a bit of space to breathe for a moment away from distraction. that we don’t always have to feel everything all the time. depression and si continue to be a regular part of my life, but instead of shame, i’ve embraced it as a part of me–a form of reclaiming agency over my bodymind in a world that seeks to control every part of it. to assert my will to live, and the sacredness of my life. it is powerful to resist our death phobic culture, and to dream of something better because we know deep in our bones and blood that living under colonial yt supremacy is not life affirming. we deserve more. drawn with abilene's wounds to woe, and bear mccreary's the veil of time as soundtrack <3 by @tender.yarrow
1
10 months ago
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