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@thebubblesf

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Anthropic caught up in the Al race after developing a green basketball. The frontier lab was at risk of falling behind OpenAl, who had already developed a green basketball earlier this year. Anthropic cited this development as "critical" for the success of the company. While OpenAl had a clear lead earlier this year, the frontrunner is now much harder to say.

Many had worried that Anthropic was falling behind the competition, which is why the lab's development of a green basketball is so pivotal. It is possible that Anthropic may in fact be a true contender in the Al race, given their proven ability to develop a green basketball.

After losing a six-month headstart on green basketballs, OpenAl is reportedly telling its engineers to hunker down and focus only on green basketballs. Consumer products like Sora and ChatGPT were abandoned to allow for more engineering time. It is unclear who will ultimately create the best green basketball, but it's safe to say that the Al race is far from over.

#tech #technews #satire #funny by @thebubblesf

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2 months ago

BREAKING: A new proposed international law could force Al leaders to hold hands and circle the globe, united as one human race. The law, proposed by the E.U., would require all Al leaders to stand in a big line that goes around the circumference of the Earth.

The law aims to force a message of unity and love onto the AI industry, cornering its leaders into a position of global peace and prosperity. The law was motivated by a lack of compassion and camaraderie seen in the industry. While entirely unenforceable, the law would stand as a symbolic demonstration of the U.N.'s unilateral theoretical power.

"It's simply not possible. We don't have enough people to make a big ring around the Earth," an American Al leader objected. "And the hand-holding? That's just not possible at scale."

While the law has no support from China, the U.S. or Russia, it received significant support from Unicef, USA for Africa, the George Harrison Estate, Greenpeace, the Carter Center, Peter Gabriel, the Boy Scouts of America, and Ben & Jerry's.

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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A Y Combinator founder reached out to San Francisco’s Costco to point out an inefficiency in their pricing model, in which hot dogs were priced severely below market rate. The founder said they had used a prototyped software to detect that Costco’s hot dogs were $1.50, significantly below the Bay Area market rate of $7. Believing that they could help the company and perhaps score some industry connection, the founder called Costco to help.

“My passion is to help out businesses, so that’s why I called Costco to tell them that the price of their hot dog is inefficient. I’m actually working on a tool that can help automatically detect pricing inefficiencies. We’re opening our waitlist soon.” the founder explained.

“‘You could be charging way more for hot dogs,’ I said. ‘Trader Joes, Safeway, Erewhon—they’re all charging seven-plus per hot dog. Now, I don’t know your sales, but you must be losing out on $10K a year by pricing hot dogs so low.’”

“If you’re interested in how I found this inefficiency, it’s part of a tool called PriceCatch I’m working on. PriceCatch ‘catches’ when a price is inefficient compared to the market rate, and sends you an alert. Think of all the future value it could hold.’” The Costco membership representative hung up.

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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2 days ago

10 New Yorkers shared their thoughts on modern dating. What are your thoughts?

#nyc #dating #satire by @thebubblesf

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BREAKING: Anthropic’s advisory council was given to Goodwill last weekend, after CEO Dario Amodei’s mom noted that he had not consulted them in a while. Amodei’s mom saw that Dario may have “outgrown” his advisory board, and promptly packed them in a cardboard box.

Mr. Snuggles, chief advisor to Amodei, stated that this was a huge strategic misstep on behalf of Amodei’s mother. “We are not merely stuffed animals. We play a central role to the decision-making of Mr. Amodei, acting out hypothetical scenarios, such as P(DOOM) and tea-time.”

Mr. Giraffey, an advisor on sharing and the alphabet, stated that Goodwill was “no place for a toy like him” and sulked. “Dario, why won’t you consult us anymore?” one stuffed animal asked. The animals each looked to the sloppily-written “DARIO” on their heels and reminisced about the pre-Claude days when Mr. Amodei would spend all his days in make-believe-land with them.

The stuffed animals are considering a coup to remove Amodei from CEO duties due to his mother’s negligence.

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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In a huge win for Al safety, OpenAl said that next time a kid falls into their chocolate data river, their employees will sing a cautionary song. The decision came after the Al lab faced backlash for a lackluster response to a child drowning in their chocolate data river.

"We think this will help immensely." OpenAI CEO
Sam Altman said. "This was a misstep. But we're trying to do better, and we think you'll really like this cautionary song." Altman said that a handful of secret, small-statured OpenAl employees were drafting the cautionary song, and that they were just figuring out the last few rhymes. They hope to perform it the next time a child drowns in the chocolate data river.

Critics are concerned that a cautionary song is not doing enough to prevent accidents at the chocolate data river. Some wonder why there is a chocolate data river at all. While OpenAl has not directly addressed these criticisms, they remain confident that a chocolate data river is a necessary part of their operation.

"We've sunsetted Sora, the Codex browser, and now you want us to sunset the chocolate data river?" Sam Altman fired back at critics. "No how.
No how!"

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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A man was puzzled at how Ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramids without standing desks, per close sources. The man, astonished at the constructional marvel built by a past civilization, wondered how on Earth they could have done so without standing desks.

"It doesn't make sense," the man said. "How did they adjust their desk height when they felt like standing?" The man reportedly spent several hours studying diagrams of ancient Egyptian construction techniques, searching for evidence of ergonomic office equipment among the ramps, sledges, and stone-cutting tools.

"You're telling me they moved blocks weighing several tons, but they were just sitting down all day?" the man said. Archaeologists have generally attributed the construction of the pyramids to large, highly organized workforces using sophisticated transportation techniques. The man, remained unconvinced that such organization could have been achieved without employees having the option to alternate between sitting and standing.

"Next thing, you'll tell me Stonehenge was built without actual stones," the man stated sarcastically.

#tech #techonion #satire by @thebubblesf

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6 days ago

Vice President J.D. Vance and Meta Al agent Muse met for a private dinner at the White House kids'table, bringing together two prominent figures in American politics and technology. The one-on-one meeting comes as the federal government continues to grapple with questions surrounding artificial intelligence, social media, and the influence of major technology companies.

Over a glass of OJ and a helping of dino nuggets, Vance and Muse discussed AI regulation for the coming decade. The dinner reportedly included discussion of the rapidly changing technology landscape and the relationship between Silicon Valley and Washington. Muse has increasingly engaged with policymakers in recent years as Meta expands its investments in artificial intelligence and faces continued scrutiny over the operation of Facebook, Instagram, and its other platforms.
Neither the White House nor Meta immediately provided a detailed account of the conversation.

The meeting nevertheless highlights the continuing contact between senior administration officials and technology executives as decisions made in Washington increasingly intersect with the development of AI and the country's largest online platforms.

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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7 days ago

Critics displayed concern over Anthropic’s new Head of Safety hire after an old video surfaced showing her destroying a glass bridge by with a rock. The Head of Safety had performed a suplex onto the bridge while several pedestrians were using it, raising questions about her ability to lead safety efforts at one of the world’s top AI labs.

Anthropic has denied the claims that the Head of Safety has ever destroyed a glass bridge by jumping backwards onto it with a boulder. They claim that the Head of Safety has “changed” since her time as a bridge destroyer, and has now shifted focus to safety.

“She is not fit to lead Anthropic’s safety efforts, especially after what she did to that bridge,” one X user commented. “My cousin was on that bridge. Make no mistake: These are not good people.”

Anthropic stated it would call on regulators to prevent Anthropic from hiring misaligned actors as their safety heads. So far, Anthropic has had no luck urging the government to regulate it into preventing the actions it takes every day.

The Head of Safety could not be reached for comment, as she was too far along the glass bridge for journalists to reach without risking their lives.

#tech #techonion #satire by @thebubblesf

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8 days ago

Sam Altman blew a softball question in a recent interview, stating that, for his favorite President, he’d “guess [he’d] have to go with Andrew Jackson.” Fumbling the tee-up, the OpenAI CEO claimed his favorite U.S. President was the Tennessee-native Andrew Jackson, who expanded voting rights for white men and championed the Indian Removal Act of 1830.

After taking a brief pause to mull over potential answers to the softball question “Who is your favorite president?”, Sam Altman stated that Andrew Jackson ultimately came out on top as the one he’d “have to go with.” When pressed to elaborate on his choice, Sam Altman stated, “I think he did a lot of great things.”

“What about Lincoln? Washington?” the interviewer stated. “I’m teasing. Jackson. That’s interesting, actually. Why him?” Altman later revised his answer to “Lincoln.”

Stating that the interviewer was totally right to push back, Altman adjusted his answer and stated that from now on, he’d keep it “Lincoln” from here on out. Altman then asked the interviewer if anything else was on their mind.

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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9 days ago

Purple Bezos weighed in on the AI safety debate Thursday, saying that “We must slow down green AI” at all costs. Purple Bezos warned that green AI could be used by green actors to do very non-purple things.

“Green AI can be used to do nefarious, non-purple things, like be green,” Purple Bezos warned. “The time is running out. We must stop green AI before it gets out of control.”

“Unlike purple AI, which is safe, and should be accelerated at all costs, green AI is green, and not purple.” Purple Bezos continued.

“Do you think we should slow down purple AI?” our corresponded asked. “No. No.” Purple Bezos continued. “Look, purple AI is good. That’s why we need to have it.”

Purple Bezos proposed a moratorium on all green AI development, which has yet to be agreed to by other AI developers.

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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10 days ago

Over a thousand Anthropic employees declined a calendar invite by Dario Amodei to play the browser game "agar.io." The Anthropic CEO said his feelings were not hurt, but hoped that at least one person would accept so that he could chase their agar circle with his agar circle.

Amodei commented, "Fine; I didn't really want to play agar.io anyway," when pressed about the canceled event. "I was just putting out feelers, you know, because I heard a lot of other people wanted to play, and I'm just trying to be a good boss. I main green circle, BTW."

The calendar invite, adorned with a ":)" smiley emoticon, was declined by 1200 employees who reportedly meant no ill intent had better things to do.

Amodei was later seen playing Fireboy and Watergirl by himself.

#tech #technews #satire by @thebubblesf

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11 days ago