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Nick

@theenickole

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Dear @siennaspiro please release this one too 🥹🧸. #Cover #singing #siennaspiro #music #soonerorlater taken in San Francisco, California by @theenickole

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4 months ago

When I was a kid, I somehow ended up in Biloxi, Mississippi for a family trip. I might have been 10, or 11, or 12? Young, but lived in. Enameled by my mother’s love for gambling. The Packers were playing what might have been their 10th, or 11th, or 12th Super Bowl win.

And the people, all who time traveled through the stories of their lives to meet in this space. Congregating to share a collective voice of disappointment and excitement. Memories created in real time. Moments fleeting, but powerful enough to have made their home.

So there I was, it felt like we were approaching hour 10, or 11, or 12. It was just me, the grandeur of the lobby, and this boy who decided I was cool enough to hang out with.

I never really had friends growing up, but for one night I had one. We spent the entire night trying to get into the section of the hot tub that was only for adults - if my mind serves correctly we somehow made it? Or maybe we settled for the one designated for the little ones? Maybe because we knew settling could extend a moment of connection into something to last just a little longer.

And so we were friends. Just for one night. But how beautiful it is that you are carried with me for the rest of my life. I don’t remember your name, but oh Miles, how I remember you. taken in Biloxi, Mississippi by @theenickole

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6 months ago

Christmas: 2025

In November I made a really last minute decision to bring my mom to visit her family in Oklahoma for Christmas.

One part of it was rooted in replacing her lack of good memories with the better moments she deserved more of.

Another was to give my siblings a moment to let their inner children feel the presence of a mom who has both deeply loved and hurt them.

The third was to expose their current selves to a version of her who had finally picked up enough tools to acknowledge her place in having caused that hurt.

The fourth was to bring people together in a way that provided an opportunity to account for lost time.

And the fifth was to expose myself to the way people love when they color outside of the lines of condition and circumstance.

As the trip comes to a close, I hope the intention of it was felt and that it provides memories for them to hold onto.

I hope most of all that it gives them permission to feel and chase those feelings.

Something that empowers a love that even after so much turmoil, still continues to choose each other.

Not too long ago I set out on this noble mission to heal my heart. As I continue to crack it open, I am reminded of how much I hope to find my place in others’ in a way that heals theirs too.

I hope you feel that intention too - happy or happier holidays 🤍.

Nick by @theenickole

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10 months ago

27

As I look back on what age 21 through 26 have been for me, there is this weird dichotomy of what society generalizes about a person’s prime, and what that actually was for me.

A garden planted with seeds of grief and monuments of success.

Something so rich in experience - yet riddled with some of the hardest moments of my life.

The departure from my former selves and their desires to still be taken along.

And the preparation for a future anchored by the devastation of my past.

So as I take a step out of what was supposed to be the best years of my life, I’m hoping that those years truly find themselves. That they aren’t tucked under conditions of healing and that just maybe, more days will consists of commitments to self and the deep love I have felt today.

This is the first birthday that feels celebratory and for the inner child in me who never got to celebrate theirs, I feel you healing.

Cheers to 27 - I am so thankful. by @theenickole

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2 years ago

As the year comes closer to an end, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a human. What it means to pursue a better-self as a victim of circumstance. What it means to find peace in a world of chaos. What it means to attain happiness where sadness is abundant and what it means to heal beyond the brokenness life has created.

I sit here. and I think about the 26 years I’ve experienced. A 26 years that feels like 4 lifetimes. Every version that received or didn’t receive their closure and every version that fragments who I am today.

I sit here and find myself in awe of the storybook that is my life, because so many pages are tattered from how heavily they were wrote in. I find myself thankful for the resilience the casing of these pages has held. I find notes in forgotten chapters that contain laughter and tears. Blank pages stained from the ink of the last 26 years.

I look at those blank pages and I hope for a close to this volume of my life. A volume faded in value by lending my pen to other’s only to be left with no ink. A volume that I still bookmark to make sure I don’t overthink.

I miss so much of who I was and I miss even more the people who have come and gone.

I hope that they have found the recipes to their own healing and happiness because my god - were they the main ingredient to mine.

I hope to continue healing beyond the brokenness life has given me and I hope to find peace without the foundations of chaos.

I hope to find balance between a happiness affected by sadness and a sadness that goes unaffected by happiness.

I deeply hope and root for all of these things for you too.

Please be the most kind and gentle to yourselves and each other - from one healing human to another, we need it.

Happier holidays. ❤️ by @theenickole

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3 years ago

Graduation:

When I woke up this morning I still found myself struggling to decide on whether I would walk the stage for graduation or if I would take the time to reflect on what these last 7 years meant to me.

But when I started to reflect, I caught myself replaying all of the reasons why I convinced myself not to go.

Not finishing Engineering and choosing to switch to Human Resource Management.

Not having parents who would understand what it means to celebrate their child.

Not having pride for a human who has moved mountains to be here and not having enough self-love to believe that I am a human worthy of celebration.

It all weighs so heavy, but as I look at the whole 25 year journey that I’ve been on, there is such a special resilience that comes
from the people and places that believed in a version of me that is still becoming. People who allowed me to believe in a version of myself that was more than his feelings of unworthiness or brokenness. People who still find value in a human who has yet to find his own; and people who although no longer serve as an active part of my life, still serve as the main characters for some of the best chapters I’ve come to write.

So I walked… because to not walk would have discredited all that I’ve done for myself and all of the love others have so graciously given me.

Because to not walk would have credited every moment my mom devalued a journey filled with hardships she created.

And because not walking meant closing the hardest 7 years of my life without the ending I deserve.

So I’m 25 now.. and being honest I’ve lived through more than I think my spirit was ready to handle but someway, somehow, I’ve time traveled through the stories of my life to a place that has brought me here.

I’m nowhere near where I wish I was on my journey towards self-love but I think I can finally say I’ve done alright 🥺. Thank you to whoever chooses or has chosen to love me, I am here because of you. by @theenickole

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3 years ago

25

I’ve tried writing what was meant to be a summary of 25 years at least 5 times now and after a month of trying, I think I just want to write and accept the imperfection I have not been allowing myself.

The kind of imperfection that binds us as humans, not one idealized for a caption, but one planted in honesty. Speaking from that honesty, I have spent close to my entire life wishing to become a version of myself who was modeled after everything he thought would make him less imperfect.

Whether he was a little school boy who would’ve changed anything if it meant that he would make a friend -

Or a pre-teen that prayed for miracles god would not send.

Someone who looked differently than he did and wore smaller clothes.

Someone who sang better, who didn’t carry the weight of their woes.

The kind of human who did not learn how to love from a template of pain.

With a mom who could love him without giving him that pain.

The type of guy who could look at mirrors without a confidence rooted in hate,

And the type who would start showing up for himself, even if he is arriving 25 years late.

You see, I’ve spent so many of these 25 years rooted in humanness I have yet to love myself through. So many years loving others in place of myself, because I resonated with their desires to be loved for the imperfect parts too.

That is what I hope the next 25 will bring. Something filled with self-love and a safe space to just exist freely.

Cheers to 25 and every number that came before and after. Some of you continue to pour the sweetest lemonade without having been given all the sugar it takes to make and for that -

I am so proud.

❤️

#affirmations #selflove #journey by @theenickole

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4 years ago

It seems like only yesterday that we jumped into 2021 with an optimism that our world would be kinder in the circumstance it gave; but as we approach it’s end, I find it to be one of the most unforgiving years I’ve experienced and at the same time one of the most giving in terms of how much I’ve grown in terms of my own humanness. I had spent so much of the year healing from losing people I thought would be around forever. So much time broken from questioning why mistakes define a person’s worthiness over the love/goodness they gave, but at the end of it, I’ve found so much appreciation for my soul that was once tethered to self-hate and an even greater appreciation for the people who’s care healed me most. Life isn’t an easy place at all.. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am if it weren’t for every person I’ve had the privilege of knowing and I’m so grateful for all of you, more than it could ever be understood. So please be kind to yourselves today, and reach out whenever the world weighs heavy as it’s always ok to not be okay, but never ok to not be okay alone. #imrootingforyou #human #positivethoughts by @theenickole

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5 years ago

A weird update no one really asked for:

I had an emotional goodbye with my dad today because he’s leaving for good, and I don’t really talk to my mom anymore. Some of my most loved connections are no longer apart of my life, and most of the ones I’m lucky enough to exist with are moving away.

I’ve finally set my goals after finishing a 7th AA to finishing a business degree with hopes to get into law school; and I move to sacramento this December to begin that part of my journey.

I remember finishing high school and having a discussion on the last day with a teacher about being scared of what life would bring. I had nothing outside of the love that place showed... and she told me I’d be okay, and that she believed in what I could be. 6 years later I think I finally believe in myself too..

I miss so much of who I was, I miss the people who once kept me grounded when there was no where to stand.. I love so much of who I am now and slowly but surely I’m unlearning all of the hate I’ve held for myself.

I hope life brings peace and kindness to whoever reads this, and I hope that same peace and kindness finds itself to those who don’t.

Rooting for you always. ❤️ #feelings #expression #life #photodump by @theenickole

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5 years ago

When I lost the upper part of my voice I weirdly started to hate my biggest passion, and with so much of my identity and self love coming from singing, I was very vulnerable to how much I disliked certain fragments of me. It’s been a year and half.. My voice is progressing, I love myself more as I give myself that kindness.. and I guess that’s the post. I hope all of you are doing ok ❤️. I’m rooting for u. #singing #cover #hozier #trend #music #singersofinstagram by @theenickole

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5 years ago

Writing this has evened my soul just ever so slightly. I went thru and found a lot of videos I had forgotten about. All the videos are almost a time line of what my voice was/is(2013-2021)I know I look a mess in most of them, but fuck it. I hope all of you are okay, and please reach out if life ever troubles you. I’m here. 🖤. #music #vent #emotions #inspiration #meow by @theenickole

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6 years ago

Let me put out your fire daddy LOOOL. #funny #messy #yourewelcome by @theenickole

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6 years ago