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The Why Xologist

@theyxologist

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London, W1 | Online
Registered Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist 🏳️‍🌈
The Times, Telegraph, Standard, Metro, Stylist, Men’s & Women’s Health

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A recent article I contributed to for @menshealthuk Men’s on 10 of the most common bedroom dilemmas men ask me about in the therapy room and how to address them. Available to read online at Men’s Health UK online and Apple News

#MensHealth #SexTherapy #MensWellbeing #RelationshipAdvice #MentalHealthMatters taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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7 months ago

If you’ve ever wondered who’s behind this page, this is a bit of me…

I’m a s3x and relationship therapist.
But I’m also…

An auntie. A sister. A daughter. A friend.
A music lover, photographer, writer and avid traveller.
A tequila drinker and a chilli fiend.
A lover of architecture and art.
A cyclist. A comedy lover. A sea dweller.

I’m curious, open, empathetic and directive.
Human rights matter to me.
I care deeply.
I tell the truth.

I’m sarcastic, clumsy, silly and very human.

I’m also a woman unable to have children - a part of me that has shaped my life in ways both visible and invisible.

And all of this comes with me into the work I do.

Because I don’t sit with people as just a therapist.

I sit with them as a whole person - shaped by love, grief, humour, connection and truth.

I care about helping people feel less alone and more understood in who they are and what they want.

I’m passionate about my work.
But I’m also passionate about being real.

Because people don’t need perfection.
They need presence.

#sextherapist #relationshiptherapist #mentalhealthmatters #therapycontent #therapistsofinstagram taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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6 months ago

Every couple (and individual) is different, but these are the core areas where real change happens…

✨ Communication & Conflict: Learning how to talk and listen without conflict, misunderstanding or shutting down. Healthy conversations are everything.

✨ Desire Discrepancy & Connection: Figuring out what works in your sex life, addressing challenges, and helping you connect on a deeper level—without the awkwardness.

✨ Sexual Health and Function: Normalising issues surrounding sexual health and dysfunction, along with illness and injury is key to creating a shift in how we feel about ourselves, and our relationships.

✨ Rebuilding Trust & Intimacy: Whether it’s after betrayal or just feeling distant, trust can be rebuilt—one step at a time.

✨ Self-Awareness and Growth: A strong relationship starts with knowing yourself. Together, we’ll work on boundaries, self-esteem, and bringing your best self to the table.

Get in touch if you have any questions or would like to arrange a no obligation chemistry session.

I have therapy space in central London, east London, south London and Brighton.

I also offer online sessions if preferred 👩🏼‍💻

#sexualhealth #intimacy #sexpositive #couplestherapy #communication #relationships #sexualwellness #relationshipgoals #sexuality #therapy #sextips #selflove #femalesexuality #mentalhealth #sex #sexhealth #sexeducator #love #relationship #londontherapist #brightontherapist @theyxologist taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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a year ago

Differentiation.

It’s one of those therapy words that sounds a lot more complicated than it actually is.

Differentiation is basically the ability to stay connected to someone without losing yourself in them.

It’s being able to say:

“I understand why you feel that way - and I still feel differently.”

Or:

“I can hear that you’re upset with me - and I’m not going to immediately abandon what I need just to make you feel better.”

It’s also being able to tolerate your partner being disappointed in you.

Because being a good partner doesn’t mean keeping your partner happy all the time.

And it doesn’t mean becoming so independent that you don’t need anyone either.

It’s actually the middle ground:

I can be me.
You can be you.
And we can still be deeply connected.

Low differentiation can look like constantly monitoring your partner’s mood, avoiding difficult conversations, changing yourself to prevent conflict or feeling like their feelings are your responsibility.

Healthy differentiation allows for difference without disconnection.

And honestly, that can be one of the hardest things to learn in an intimate relationship.

Because sometimes loving someone means being able to say:

“I love you. I hear you. And I’m still going to be me.”

#differentiation #relationships #therapy #londontherapist #theyxologist taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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5 days ago

It was an honour to be invited as the special guest to a ‘retreats for her’ weekend organised by @followingsydney.

It was wonderful to work with such an open group of women and a reminder that we all have so much in common with each other.

Huge thanks to @followingsydney for putting together such a fantastic retreat and a big thank you to @plesjour and @emmalouiseboynton who gifted items for my pleasure kit.

If you would like more information on the range of workshops I run then feel free to get in touch.

#retreats #workshops #intimacy #pleasure #theyxologist taken in Norfolk, England by @theyxologist

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17 days ago

“Mercy sex” - have you heard of it?

It’s a phrase that might make you stop and think… because how many of us have ever said yes to sex when, actually, we weren’t really feeling it?

I was recently invited to share my thoughts with @cosmopolitanuk on the psychology behind “mercy sex” - why we might sometimes agree to intimacy when we don’t genuinely want it, and what this can tell us about our relationships, boundaries and the way we communicate with our partners.

It’s a fascinating topic, and one that raises some really important questions about desire, consent and feeling comfortable enough to say what we actually want.

I’d love to know what you think.

Read the full article via the link in my bio.

#Relationships #Intimacy #SexAndRelationships #Consent #theyxologist @meganhwallace taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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23 days ago

Well done.

To anyone who has successfully managed to have sex in this heat… honestly, I salute you.

The sweating. The sticking. The complete lack of air circulation.

It’s basically an endurance sport at this point.

Stay hydrated. And good luck out there 😂

#SexAndRelationships #SexTherapy #RelationshipTherapy #SexualWellbeing #SummerSex taken in London by @theyxologist

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2 months ago

If intimacy has started to feel distant in your relationship, you’re not alone.

Rebuilding intimacy isn’t about putting pressure on yourselves to “get back to normal” overnight. It’s about reconnecting, one step at a time.

1. Safety
Create space to talk openly. Share what’s been happening, how you’re feeling and what you both need. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation for physical intimacy.

2. Pleasure
Take sex off the table for a moment and rediscover what feels good. Focus on touch, closeness and the things that bring comfort and enjoyment without expectation.

3. Play
When you’re ready, introduce curiosity. Explore, laugh, flirt and experiment with touch. Intimacy grows when connection feels light, safe and enjoyable.

Every relationship goes through seasons. The important thing isn’t never drifting apart, it’s knowing how to find your way back to each other.

#TheYXologist #RelationshipTherapy #Intimacy #CouplesTherapy #london taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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2 months ago

One year. Nine conversations. Countless moments that have challenged perspectives, sparked debate and hopefully helped a few people feel a little less alone.

Over the past year of S3x Tells, we’ve explored some of the biggest conversations around s3x, relationships and intimacy, including...

• S3xual assault & non-disclosure • Affairs & infidelity • Love through transition • Living loud as a trans woman D/s dynamics  • S3x & anxiety • Pain, pleasure & the pelvic floor • S3x & ageing • Ethical p*rn & lube • Somatic s3xology & ethical non-monogamy

Every episode has reminded me just how important it is to create space for open, honest and judgment-free conversations.

I’ve learnt so much from every guest, had my own thinking challenged more than once, and I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who has shared their expertise and personal experiences so generously.

To all of my guests - thank you. And to everyone who has listened, watched, shared and supported the podcast over the past year, thank you for being part of these conversations.

All episode are available on YouTube, Spotify and Apple - links are in my bio.

As we head into Year Two... what would you like us to talk about next?

I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments 👇🏻

Huge thanks to @katemoyletherapy @julietrosenfeldpsychoanalyst @kylegeorgehealthpsych @etherson_psychosexual @alexisblakeofficial @liamblakeofficial @sale3734 @clarebournephysio @daviana_1_and_only @frolicme_anna @plesjour @aishaparissmith @allyiseman ❤️
@cics_institute taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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2 months ago

Episode 9 of S3x Tells is now live!

In this episode, I’m joined by two incredible guests:

Aisha Paris Smith: @aishaparissmith Somatic Sexologist and recently featured as an expert on Virgin Island - shares how somatic work can transform intimacy, healing and our relationship with ourselves.

Ally Iseman: @allyiseman International Relationship Coach and expert in Modern Relationship Design explores ethical non-monogamy, erotic jealousy and why relationships don’t have to follow a one-size-fits-all blueprint - no matter what we’ve been told.

Together, we challenge assumptions, unpack relationship myths and explore new ways of thinking about intimacy, desire, connection, relationships, our body and mind.

This episode isn’t about telling you how to love... it’s about giving you permission to ask whether the relationship you’re building is actually the one you want. Including the one with yourself.

Because the strongest relationships aren’t always the ones that follow the rules. They’re the ones that are designed with intention.

Whether you’re happily monogamous, curious about different relationship models, or simply interested in understanding yourself more deeply, this episode will leave you with plenty to think about.

Watch on YouTube or listen on Spotify or Apple - all links are in my bio 👆🏻

#ModernRelationships #ModernRelationshipDesign #SomaticSexology #SomaticHealing #TheYXologist taken in London, United Kingdom by @theyxologist

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3 months ago

Nope, it’s not your internet. That’s just what a vanished sex drive looks like when it’s buffering for months.

Answer’s not stuck. Psychosexual therapist Lucy Frank (@theyxologist ) explains what’s actually going on.

Full answer on cveronline.com. Link in bio. by @theyxologist

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3 months ago

Out of office.

Swapping the therapy room for sunshine, sea air and a little slower pace... with time spent in Spain and on the beautiful Norfolk coast with family.

Just as we encourage our clients to prioritise rest, connection and the things that refill their cup, it’s important that we do the same.

Now I’m back refreshed, recharged and ready to continue opening up honest conversations.. helping clients transform their relationship with themselves, and others.

🫶🏻🫶🏻

#TheYXologist
#RestAndRecharge
#RelationshipHealth
#SelfConnection
#TherapistLife taken in Ibiza, Spain by @theyxologist

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3 months ago