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thisnotme5

@thisnotme5

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my friend sends me music she makes for fun
smb tell her to record this fr n drop it😤 by @thisnotme5

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16 days ago

il dolce far niente / the sweetness of doing nothing.

my days looks like 6am wakeups. work. art. no phone calls or texts. coffee/tea/water. momentum/movement. hydroponic weed. good showers and intentional breathing.

I’m a black artist in America and I’m used to restlessness and anxiety tht comes with that. but recently it’s like i’ve found this pocket in space and im hiding in it.

two days ago I spent the first half of my day really emotional, I could barely make it to the studio.
so I purchased a plant and took it to the studio.

I been soaking in my own love.
I hope I get to stay here forever

i love you 🫵🫵 by @thisnotme5

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a month ago

by @thisnotme5

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a month ago

i’m actually fucking perfect . by @thisnotme5

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2 months ago

by @thisnotme5

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2 months ago

I’ve been thinking about hope lately which is weird because i’m kind of a very straight-and-narrow person. Once I believe in something, I can be almost annoyingly stubborn about it. I don’t mean that I think I’m always right. I mean that when I decide something is worth it, I will keep believing in it until I have a reason not to.

And I think I’ve done that with myself.
I’ve had very dark periods with my own mind. I’ve had to catch myself thinking in ways that were taking me somewhere I didn’t want to go and, very literally, tell myself to snap out of it. I had to give myself evidence that my current state was not the final version of me.

That is what I mean by hope.
It isn’t optimism. It isn’t expecting everything to work out. It isn’t believing that nothing bad will happen.

It is the belief that nothing I am experiencing is necessarily the final form of anything.

I can change. My circumstances can change. My understanding can change. Something can fall apart and become something else. I can lose my way and still find another way forward.

I think that belief has made my life both easier and lonelier.

Because I prioritize the process of becoming so heavily. I spend a lot of time alone, not necessarily because I am lonely, but because self-realization is a solitary thing. Nobody else can do the internal work for you. Nobody else can decide what you believe, what you can tolerate, what you want, or who you are becoming.
And I’ve realized that I’m okay with that.
I actually think I need that.

I can love people.. I can have friendships and relationships and a beautiful life full of other people. But none of those things can be the thing I abandon myself for.
However, I know what happens when I do.
And I also know what happens when I don’t.
I keep going.
i’ve returned to things i thought were gone forever
I’ve let go of things I thought would be permanent. I’ve walked away without knowing what would happen afterward. Sometimes I had no evidence that leaving would make my life better. I just had enough hope in myself to believe that if I made the wrong decision, I would eventually figure that out too.

That’s the part I keep coming back to. by @thisnotme5

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2 months ago

“catch me, dont you?”

meant to be a depiction of the eagle death spiral.

During courtship, two eagles soar into the sky as high as they can, lock talons, and fall together. They usually release each other just before reaching the ground.

The display is infamously known as the “death spiral” because sometimes the birds fail to separate in time, resulting in a fatal landing.

the death spiral is a moment of trust, precise timing, the willingness to fall and the faith that the other will let go before it’s too late.

I’m in a small tavern and as i sit here typing this, I’m in the middle of three couples (Ironically).

the thing about me is I’m not interested in anyone. I’m pretty closed off to dating, or anything real. nor do I see marriage, kids, or even a relationship in my future(especially not anytime soon).

I like to think that, at times, I have been the person that felt the value of true real love. And maybe, with the right amount of trust, I could be again.

This painting is a reminder to myself to keep hope alive.

don’t forget to tell your loved ones tht you love em.

fun fact: i don’t use pencil/sketches w my paintings and i also don’t ever know what im painting until its clear. i add as i go. i dont think ab colors, proportions, and i dont practice either. for an example, this is my first time ever painting a bird. i wonder if other artists can tell. i’m a writer before anything, so i try to have fun w paintings. imma lock in one day taken in Catch me by @thisnotme5

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2 months ago

by @thisnotme5

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3 months ago

i received so much love during my birthday
i am so full by @thisnotme5

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3 months ago

tell me you love me
show me you love me by @thisnotme5

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3 months ago

i really love writing by @thisnotme5

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4 months ago

uh idk what my dog did with my other shoe??

i’m almost done w my vip guest box invitations to my show👹👹👹👹👹 i’m so happy can’t wait to give it to them. can’t wait to officially announce the show ugh

i don’t expect everything handed to me
just set it down wherever

come to my art show !! it’s being curated just for you.

my bestfriend took me out, i’m starting to like him again

so many things to do. it’s like i kinda need a long hug but i hate hugs this is rare ☹️☹️

breakfast today 😜☺️

inside the invitation boxes by @thisnotme5

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4 months ago