Instagram story viewer> @transformwithtoska> Posts

Toska

@transformwithtoska

207.6K

followers

1354

following

A single mama who got her spark back✨
Empowering women to build freedom & self-love.
And I roast misogynists for fun. 😏
↓ Join Many Butterflies 🦋

POSTS STORIES REELS TAGGED

Download All

I love my culture and I’m proud of where I come from, but we have to be honest about the parts that act like shackles. This idea of reputation isn’t about morality, because men can break every rule and still be respected. It’s about control, especially over women.

This applies to many cultures, not just mine. Let me know in the comments if you have this too.

I spent years trying to protect my “reputation” as a good woman. I didn’t drink, didn’t party, didn’t smoke, didn’t get tattoos, dressed modestly, watched my body count, chose a respectable career like teaching, got married, had a child and did everything I thought would make me worthy and chosen.

But all it did was keep me small.

It kept me in an abusive relationship longer than I should have stayed because I was more afraid of judgement than the reality I was living in. It kept me in a life that looked right from the outside but didn’t feel right on the inside.

When your worth is tied to how others see you, you learn to abandon yourself to be accepted.

I stopped living for that, and that’s when my life actually began. 🩵

Did you feel pressure to be the”good girl” in your culture? by @transformwithtoska

124k

7k

5 months ago

This applies to any relationship, friendship or job that doesn’t value you 🩵

I used to think that if I told you how I deserve to be treated, surely you would rise to meet it.

But here’s what I’ve learned.

You don’t have to convince someone to value you.
You don’t have to present a PowerPoint on basic respect.
You don’t have to negotiate standards that protect your peace.

The right person does not need a tutorial.

Growth for me has looked like this:
Less explaining.
More observing.
Less repeating myself.
More removing myself.

If you’ve ever felt like you were over-communicating just to be met halfway, I see you.

At what point did you realise you were asking for the bare minimum? by @transformwithtoska

966k

5k

7 months ago

Do you feel pressure to look the same as you did in your early twenties?

Rihanna is too rich and iconic to worry about body shaming but the message that it sends to other women is so harmful.

When we turn Rihanna’s body into a headline, we are not just talking about her. We are reinforcing the idea that a woman’s body is public property. That it should stay frozen at the age we first approved of it. That change equals decline.

Seventeen years. Three babies. Hormones. Ageing. Life.

And somehow the conversation becomes what happened to her body, as if growth and softness and evolution are scandals.

This is where it gets dangerous. Because if one of the most successful women in the world can be picked apart for simply existing in a changing body, what does that teach every other woman scrolling?

We have built a version of normal that is just permanently 23. Real normal is cyclical. Real normal shifts. Real normal carries children, stress, joy, grief and time.

A woman’s changing body is not breaking news. It is biology.

What is distorted is not her body. It is the lens we keep using to look at it. by @transformwithtoska

587k

8k

7 months ago

Part two of our What is Coercive Control? Series with @transformwithtoska

What happens when the love bombing stage ends. When and how did she know?

#coercivecontrol #domesticabuseawareness #domesticabuse #domesticviolence #whatmakesaman by @transformwithtoska

420

20

7 hours ago

I reject society’s narrow version of womanhood and motherhood. I’m not here to perform the role others created for me. This is my life, and I will live it boldly, freely and entirely on my own terms. 🩵 Call me whatever names or labels you like, I carry no shame. I love who the fuck I am, and I hope you love yourself too!

People often ask me how I became so confident, not only in my body, but in the way I live so boldly.

Honestly, it came from realising that no matter what you do people will judge you. Follow society’s rules and somehow you still won’t be enough.

So I might as well live my one and only life exactly as I want to.

Sometimes I post photos like these with my bareskin to give other women permission to do the same. Not just permission to wear the bikini or whatever the fuck you want, but permission to take up space, choose yourself and live freely without apologising. Stop apologising for being you 🦋

📍 Corsica, France
@hotelmarinca taken in Corsica, France by @transformwithtoska

1k

61

a day ago

The Council of Men We Wouldn’t Sleep With Anyway has spoken. 😂 by @transformwithtoska

10k

2k

2 days ago

Single mum labels are tearing us apart. We don’t need a suffering hierarchy. We need to stick together 🦋 Another woman does not have to struggle exactly as you have for her experience to be valid. Pain is not a competition, and there is no prize for the woman who has suffered the most. We need more compassion, less comparison, and far more women reaching back to help one another. by @transformwithtoska

512

55

2 days ago

Toska in the wild 😆🎤 Out of the studio and being interviewed for a change!

We spoke about courage, and how courage does not mean having everything figured out. Sometimes courage is simply taking the first step while you are still scared, uncertain and unsure of where it will lead.

You do not need the entire plan. You do not need to know exactly how you will rebuild your life. You just need enough courage to take that first step. Then another. Before you know it, you will look back and realise just how far you have come. 🦋

A huge thank you to the fabulous @nicola_wills for inviting me to such a wonderful event. I am so proud of you for being the ultimate reinvention queen, rebuilding your life and creating something so beautiful alongside your two gorgeous daughters. What an incredible evening and an even more incredible woman. 🩵

Filming: @attadigital.ltd @ameliamayphotos by @transformwithtoska

2k

65

13 days ago

Good girl conditioning has fucked over so many women. What society calls “bad” is often just a woman it can’t control. You can be a deeply good person and still reject every rule that limits your freedom. 🦋 I’m taking a label that has historically been used to shame women and turning it on its head. ❤️🙌 there will be multiple captions on this post so please read each one for each slide.

Let’s unlearn good girl conditioning together. But be warned, people will call you a bad girl when they can no longer control you or your choices. Fuck them.

Good girls wear what men and society consider appropriate for their age, relationship status or role as mothers. Bad girls wear whatever makes them feel good, regardless of what anyone thinks.

Good girls live for other people’s approval. Bad girls live for themselves.

Good girls believe it’s their responsibility to keep the family together, even when staying is hurting everyone. Bad girls leave for the children.

Good girls are people-pleasers and say yes to avoid disappointing others. Bad girls say no without feeling guilty.

Good girls are taught to believe that wanting money makes them shallow. Bad girls love money and the freedom and options it gives them.

Good girls stay quiet to keep the peace. Bad girls speak up, even when the truth makes people uncomfortable.

Good girls are taught to be grateful for whatever they’re given. Bad girls ask for what they want.

Good girls are taught that being alone means they are unwanted and unworthy. Bad girls know their relationship status says nothing about their worth.

Good girls put everyone else first, even at the cost of their own well-being. Bad girls choose themselves, even when the life they choose looks different from everyone else’s.

Good girls are taught that mothering grown men is part of being a good woman. Bad girls refuse to mother grown men.

Good girls restrict their lives to avoid being called a hoe, slut or whore. Bad girls know these words have been used for centuries to control women’s sexuality and freedom, so they refuse to care.

Good girls lose themselves trying to be the woman society approves of. Bad girls reject society’s rules and live a life th taken in Corsica, France by @transformwithtoska

6k

316

14 days ago

Disney really said:
Your life begins when a man picks you. Before that it’s going to be really shit. 🤣

And don’t even get me started on the fact almost every female villain was either:
older,
single,
childless,
confident,
or obsessed with beauty and ageing.

Meanwhile the “good woman” was always young, soft spoken, self sacrificing and waiting patiently to be chosen.

Let me know which Disney princess storyline do you think did the most psychological damage to women and what relationship lesson did it accidentally teach you? 😭🤣❤️‍🩹

FYI I’m educated enough to know these stories existed before Disney guys. But most children are exposed to Disney.
(For everyone asking what’s on my face- I left my Eve Lom face mask on so long it started setting like concrete and crumbling off my face every time I spoke 🤣) by @transformwithtoska

192k

3k

5 months ago

The biggest threat to systems built on shame, fear, and control is a free woman.🦋

A woman who knows her worth. A woman who isn’t afraid to be alone. A woman who celebrates her age instead of fearing it. A woman who isn’t ashamed of her sensuality. A woman who doesn’t need to be chosen to know she’s enough. A woman who sees through the tactics.

Because the moment a woman stops living for approval, fear stops working.

She can’t be manipulated with loneliness. She can’t be controlled with shame. She can’t be convinced to make herself smaller to keep other people comfortable.

A free woman doesn’t threaten healthy people. She only threatens systems and beliefs that depend on women doubting themselves.

The more I study trauma, abuse and women’s stories, the more convinced I become that shame is one of the biggest barriers to freedom.

So many of us weren’t just taught what to do. We were taught what to feel ashamed of. Our bodies. Our voices. Our ambition. Leaving. Staying. Being single. Being divorced. Being sensual. Being child-free. Being mothers. There always seems to be something we’re expected to carry shame for.

But shame keeps us small. It keeps us silent. It keeps us seeking approval instead of living authentically.

One of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself is:

“Would I still feel ashamed if nobody else had an opinion?”

Have you actually done something wrong?

Often, the answer reveals that the shame was never truly yours. It was handed to you.

My hope for every one of you is that, little by little, you put that shame down. Because you cannot fully experience freedom while carrying shame that belongs to someone else’s expectations.

May we raise more free women. 🦋

Fit: The sleek bra with a golden frame is the Mono-Frame Rooftop from Livy
Leggings: Oysho
Blazer: Zara
Shoes: Christian Louboutin by @transformwithtoska

24k

698

3 months ago

I cry every time I read it. Generations of silence… and she chose to break the cycle out loud.

That’s how cycles end.
Not in silence. In truth.

I want to celebrate this woman 🌸 my mum. She’s self aware enough to recognise how certain conditioning and methods of discipline can cause trauma and shape the way I saw myself and relationships.

It’s not just about “finding better” either. When you’re raised to be a people pleaser, to prioritise others, to stay, to endure… that affects what you tolerate and what you think is normal. That’s the point. Her growth, her self awareness, the way she’s been willing to reflect and evolve. That is what makes women so powerful. To unlearn, to take accountability, and to choose to do things differently. That’s how cycles are broken, out loud, for other mothers and daughters to see.

I had incredible parents. They loved me, protected me, and genuinely wanted the best for me.

But they also controlled me.

Not out of malice, out of conditioning.

That control meant I didn’t get the space to experience life, to learn who I was, what I wanted, what felt right and what didn’t. So when it came to choosing a partner, I wasn’t choosing from a place of self awareness, I was choosing from fear, from approval, from what I had been taught a “good girl” does.

And I ignored red flags because I was afraid of the shame and judgement that comes with separating, being divorced or a single mum.

And that is how I stayed with an abuser for 17 years which almost cost me my life.

When I finally stopped caring what others thought of me, that’s when I found the strength to leave.

My parents were shaped by the same system I was.

A patriarchal culture that teaches women to endure at all costs. To be silent. To serve. To keep the family together no matter the cost to themselves. And if they leave, if they become divorced or single mothers, they are judged and shamed.

So this is not about blaming our parents.

It’s about understanding the system that shaped all of us.

And choosing to break it.

I hope it healed something in you too ❤️‍🩹

Note: this comment was a response to my video: I don’t give a fck about my reputation as an Albanian woman. by @transformwithtoska

139k

4k

5 months ago