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Xannie | Mental Health & Growth

@xannibelle

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🎙️ Host @thebpdbunch | 🎵 @nxi.sol
🧠 ADHD · PMDD · recovered from BPD 💖
🌿 Helping sensitive minds face hard truths
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Some of what I’m going to share over the next month challenges beliefs I held tightly for a long time, and that’s part of why I’ve stayed quiet about it.

But as cliché as it is, growth truly does not occur in our comfort zone, so I’m gonna start being more direct about my recovery journey.

I’m not here to convince anyone or offer a formula. I’m just telling the truth about what changed over time, and what finally worked. If it speaks to you, follow along ❤️‍🩹

Part two tomorrow.

If you have specific questions you’d like me to answer in this series, please feel free to drop them in the comments!

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd by @xannibelle

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6 months ago

I used to think of having BPD as if there was some unwelcome, foreign entity in my body. “My BPD says this” or “My BPD does that”
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On the one hand, identifying thoughts and feelings as coming from a “BPD place” has been useful because I could recognize that they were distortions of reality and not take them too seriously.
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On the other hand, thinking of BPD as separate from me felt like I was trapped in my body with a demon I couldn’t escape.
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To be fair, it really did seem like someone else was in there with me, and for years I felt hurt and angry when other people didn’t take that seriously. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t that those parts aren’t me; they’re just parts of me that I really don’t like. In fact, for a long time, I HATED them. I didn’t WANT to be associated with that darker part of myself, so I fooled myself into believing that it wasn’t me at all.
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But it is.
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BPD isn’t ALL of me, and it isn’t even MOST of me, but it IS a part of me.
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One of the reasons I struggled for so many years to get better was that it felt like it meant I was a horrible, narcissistic, irredeemable human being if I even allowed for the possibility that my disorder was part of me. I felt so out of control, constantly fighting with myself. I didn’t understand that the first step to gaining control was owning ALL of me, the good and the bad.
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At first, owning everything was extremely painful. Instead of holding them at arms length, I had to feel those darker parts, and that hurt.
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When the initial pain faded, it allowed me to accept myself. I don’t feel so much like a victim of my own mind. And, since I’m not running from myself anymore, I have the energy to be able to manage emotionally difficult situations.
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Taking ownership is still hard but it’s set me on a path to feel like I can trust myself enough to have relationships with others, and THAT has meant EVERYTHING to me.
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Let’s #createalifeworthliving together!
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#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #actuallybpd #borderline #BPDsuperpower #DBT #bpdrecovery #hashtagbpd #bpdwarrior #copingskills #mentalhealthrecovery #endstigma #dialecticalbehaviortherapy
#livingwithanxiety #breakthestigma #dissociation by @xannibelle

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4 years ago

I’m not a fan of terms like “toxic, manipulative, or attention seeking” because they have a connotation of conscious malevolent intent. But even if I didn’t intend to harm anyone, I can’t deny that they still experienced me as if I did.
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I wasn’t trying to be toxic, and what others called “manipulation” was, to me, a desperate attempt to try to make my world feel safe. “Seeking attention” was what I did to feel like a real person, because feeling unseen didn’t just make me invisible; it was like I didn’t exist at all.
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What other people saw was a self absorbed girl, who said or did whatever she had to to keep eyes on her and to control the people around her.
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So, who was right?
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BOTH.
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Just as I feel invalidated to be called those things, it’s invalidating to other people if I tell them that how they experience me is wrong.
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Getting diagnosed with BPD didn’t mean that I suddenly got to excuse the maladaptive things I’d done.
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It gave me a way to communicate so I could explain why I had such a hard time controlling myself. It allowed others to be patient with me and understand that I often behaved in unintended ways with unintended results. It was NOT my fault that I was that way. It WAS however, my responsibility to deal with myself and my behavior.
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The only person I have control over is ME. It might be harder for me to control myself than it is for other people, but it’s infinitely easier for me to work on becoming someone I’m happy being than it is for me to try to force other people to accept me treating them in a way they don’t appreciate.
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At first, I didn’t believe that taking responsibility for myself would make a difference; it all seemed so unfair. But it really WORKED. Instead of waiting in pain for the world to change, I put my effort into gaining the skills I needed to leave maladaptive behaviors behind me. I don’t hear words like “toxic, manipulative or attention seeking” to describe me anymore.
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BE the change and #createalifeworthliving I have a personality disorder. I’ve been described as toxic, manipulative, and attention seeking.
You know what?
Sometimes it’s 100% true by @xannibelle

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5 years ago

Look, I’m the first to admit that having BPD did not make me a very pleasant person. I destroyed a lot of my relationships, and even the people who loved me and refused to give up, found it hard to be around me. It took me a long time to repair the relationships that weren’t lost, and even though I no longer qualify for the diagnosis, some of my connections still bare the scars from when I did.

I think when you’re on the receiving end of that kind of behavior, caution makes sense.

What I find interesting is that sometimes I notice this phenomenon where because BPD is part of the conversation, every word is judged through the lens of pathology.

For example, one of my friends once posted a “success is the best revenge” breakup video. By all accounts, it was a pretty ordinary story. In fact, the only difference between that video and any other video with the similar tale was that she mentioned the fact that she was diagnosed with BPD.

The comment section was full of people assuming that she must have been abusive, that whatever negative things her ex had said about her must have been true. Condemning her for wanting to succeed in life.

And I can’t pretend that BPD label doesn’t add some context to the situation. But the degree to which people would twist the story and project their own assumptions onto it was comically outrageous.

I’m not saying that we should completely ignore behavior trends or trust blindly. But I do believe that it’s every person‘s responsibility (diagnosis or not) to unpack their motivations for their own behavior. And just because you were hurt in a very real situation, does not always justify the actions you take today.

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #bpdsupport by @xannibelle

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a month ago

Compete in actual sports. Heck, compete in board games I don’t care. Pain does not need to be a competition.

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #mentalhealthstigma #relationshiphelp #mentalhealthrecovery by @xannibelle

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a month ago

It definitely wasn’t easy and there was a lot of times where I felt fake and artificial of the process but eventually we got there.

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd #hashtagbpd #bpdawareness by @xannibelle

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2 months ago

This realization was huge for me! I used to get into so many confrontations and conflicts because I was mostly thinking about how I thought a situation should go, versus how it was likely to go based on the players involved.

I didn’t think about the fact that the guy cat calling me in the street probably gave zero forks about my opinion on the matter.

I didn’t think about the fact that my best friend who was checking in about homework genuinely was trying to help me not trying to tell me I was stupid.

I just reacted aggressively anytime I felt hurt, and I was genuinely shocked when people didn’t immediately bend over backwards and apologize to me. The guy in the street (I think) was trying to get a reaction out of me, so he succeeded in getting me to do what he wanted. He did not apologize.

My friend was hurt and offended that her attempt to help me was twisted into some kind of criticism. She did not apologize either.

The lesson is not to never be aggressive with anyone - sometimes it’s important to be the loudest voice in the room.

The lesson is to consider the outcome you want FIRST, and decide whether or not being aggressive is actually gonna get you there.

For me personally, I’ve found as a general rule: Aggression is very rarely helpful. Only in specific instances of standing up for self-respect or for the safety of myself or others has it ever gotten me the results I was hoping for.

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd #hashtagbpd by @xannibelle

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2 months ago

1. “They just didn’t love me enough.”

This assumes that a certain amount of love guarantees a certain outcome. But love is not just an emotion. It’s an action. And loving someone deeply does not automatically mean the relationship will work, that they’ll express it effectively, or that you’ll be able to receive it.

This doesn’t mean neglect and trauma aren’t real. It means reducing every painful relational outcome to “I just wasn’t loved enough” became so reductive that it stopped helping me understand anything.

2. “No one understands me.”

There are millions of people with BPD. And even when someone (with BPD or without) couldn’t relate to every part of my experience, that didn’t mean we were complete opposites.

BPD is often an exaggeration of the human experience, not a completely separate species of suffering. This belief was less insight and more all or nothing thinking.

3. “I’ve suffered more than anyone else.”

First of all, how would you even measure this?

The severity of circumstances does not translate perfectly into suffering, and statistically there are almost certainly people who have suffered far more than me and people who have suffered less.

This belief mostly functioned as a way to exempt myself from recovery. Because if my suffering was uniquely extreme, then my inability to change became uniquely justified.

4. “No one can handle me.”

For me, this became a self fulfilling prophecy.

I believed no one could handle me, so I acted in ways that practically guaranteed relationship instability. Then I used the instability as proof that the belief was true.

5. “I’m too broken to recover.”

I thought this belief was self awareness. Really, it was a get out of jail free card.

Because if I was fundamentally beyond help, then I was exempt from the terrifying possibility that recovery might actually require effort, accountability, uncertainty, consistency, and change.

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd #hashtagbpd #bpdrecovery by @xannibelle

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2 months ago

Look, I’m not saying we’re all the same. If there wasn’t a difference in the intensity, frequency, and impact of these behaviors, there would be no point in diagnosing a personality disorder in the first place.

I’m just saying it gags me when people are SO quick to point this behavior out in someone with BPD, but then can’t see themselves doing the exact same thing.

Like please be serious. Some of y’all talk about people with BPD like you’re so much more rational and self aware, meanwhile you’re also hearing one sentence, inventing six implications, getting emotionally attached to your interpretation, and arguing over a conversation that never actually happened.

It’s giving hypocrisy in the worst way 🤮

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd #hashtagbpd #bpdawareness by @xannibelle

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2 months ago

While you can’t think your way out of something you behaved your way into, the stories you tell yourself can absolutely shape how hard change feels.

For a long time, I assumed my thoughts were completely outside of my control. Even when I started trying to change how I saw myself, positive affirmations felt fake and forced.

What helped me more was curiosity. Instead of trying to convince myself of something I didn’t believe, I started asking “what if?”

About four years ago, my friend @georgetteshouldbestudying introduced me to “what if” affirmations, and they’ve stayed in my toolbox ever since because they open the door to possibility instead of demanding certainty.

I’m really grateful to my voice teacher for reminding me how much our internal narratives shape our real world experiences. That awareness has helped me both in recovery and in music.

My newest song, “Puzzled Identity” from my project with @bebeyondborders, is out now ❤️

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd #womeninmusic by @xannibelle

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2 months ago

As usual, don’t hear what I didn’t say. I’m not making a commentary about everyone who has or has had BPD.

I personally used to struggle a lot with always looking for external things to blame for how I was doing. So when my dog died, and I was going through anger phases of grief, I contemplated blaming myself, my husband or the vet for what happened. But I just couldn’t sit in that space for very long because so quickly, my higher self stepped in and said “everyone really did the best they could.”

It’s just such an odd state to be in, where that wiser part of yourself becomes the go-to reaction.

Have you ever changed in a way that you found surprising?

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd by @xannibelle

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3 months ago

Yes, language is important, and I’m extremely intentional with mine.

I don’t use “cure” because I’m still human, and I don’t use “remission” because most people interpret that to mean “you still have this you just manage it better”. Neither are a good description of my experience.

As I talked about in the series, I’m not at risk of relapse because of how I have reorganized my life around growth and intentionally seeking challenges to better myself. Barring something like brain damage, I’m confident that I will never get to a point that I qualify for the diagnosis again. That does not mean that I never have any interpersonal challenges or ever make mistakes. But that is a far cry from having a personality disorder.

While I’m proud of what I have accomplished, I don’t think I’m all that special in that I think lots of other people can get here as well, and I have a whole group of friends who are in robust recovery from BPD too. I talk about this not because I can guarantee this will happen for everyone, but because the me of the past needed someone to tell her that it was possible. I needed to hear that I wasn’t doomed. And because I’m not unique I’m sure there are others out there who need to hear this now. ❤️‍🩹

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #actuallybpd #hashtagbpd by @xannibelle

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3 months ago