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Vicki Dean | Blended Family + Stepmum

@_vickidean_

2.9K

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1090

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When “just communicate” has left the chat💀
I decode why THIS person gets THAT reaction
Stepchild.Mum.Ex-wife.Stepmum.
I've sat on every side
↓The Map

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She came in asking how to stop her stepdaughter getting under her skin. We didn’t go there first….👀

I followed one thread in her chart, and it led us straight to the question underneath…what feels threatened in me when I don’t have control?

Astrology helped us find the pattern, somatic work and EMDR helped her body let it go. Now she can hold her place without having to fight for it.

This is the depth of my 1:1 work, and it always starts with finding the thread.

That’s what The Map is…a voice recorded reading where we find the pattern running your family dynamic and work out what needs to happen next.

DM me MAP and I’ll send you the details.

#astrologyreading #blendedfamily #coparenting #stepmom #lifeafterdivorce by @_vickidean_

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5 days ago

Hi 👋🏽 I’m Vicki.

I’ve spent most of my adult life holding a lot. Marriage, kids, businesses, divorce, rebuilding, 24 years of co-parenting, 12 years of parallel parenting, 10 years as a stepmum, three marriages, four kids and two stepkids one who lives with us full time. But never really speaking about it because I felt like a failure.

None of it has been neat and predictable. Completely the opposite to be honest!

I’ve reacted badly, crossed boundaries, had people cross mine, lost myself in relationships, rebuilt myself and learnt the hard way that what’s happening around us often reveals what’s actually happening within us.

That’s what eventually became the work.

Why does one person trigger you so deeply?

Why do you keep repeating the same pattern even when you know better?

Why can one conversation with an ex change the energy in your entire home?

Today I use Astrology, Human Design, nervous system work, hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help women understand their patterns, reactions and needs so they can navigate relationships, parenting, business and all the messy shit life throws at them without losing themselves in the process.

You’ll find astrology here, but you’ll also find real conversations about marriage, divorce, co-parenting, parallel parenting, step-parenting, motherhood, business, horses and the things we don’t always say out loud.

Because understanding what’s happening within changes the way you navigate what’s happening around you.

#stepmom #blendedfamily #astrology by @_vickidean_

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a month ago

There are things we call “co-parenting” that are actually just poor boundaries everyone has become too uncomfortable to challenge.

Being flexible for your children is one thing. Continually rearranging your household because another adult expects access to your time, decisions or relationship is another.

Sometimes the hardest part is admitting that the person outside the home isn’t the only problem. Someone inside the home has to be willing to hold the boundary too.

That thought/conversation doesn’t make you difficult. It means two households are allowed to be two households.

Healthy co-parenting needs cooperation, communication but it also needs separation.

Agree or disagree? I’m genuinely curious where you sit on this one.

#blendedfamily #coparenting #astrology #stepmom by @_vickidean_

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22 days ago

Most people only know their Sun sign, and it’s the one they look up when they read their horoscope online. If you take one thing from this post, start reading for your rising sign as well. Horoscopes are built around the houses, and your rising sign is what sets your houses, so reading for your rising usually lands far closer to what’s actually happening in your life.

The rising sign gets reduced to “how people see you,” which undersells it badly. It sets which planet runs the whole chart, and that planet usually explains the thing a woman has been circling for years without quite being able to name.

I’m Leo rising, so my chart is run by the Sun, which sits in Libra in the 3rd house of conversation.

When I was a PT, I’d spend half the session getting to the depth of why. Why someone couldn’t commit, why they’d stopped showing up for themselves, why the weight kept coming back. The one I could never let go of was the high-level competitors who would train the house down every week and then couldn’t perform anywhere near that level when it came to competition day. Their bodies were ready so the problem was somewhere else.

Most of those sessions turned into counselling. The physical side of what I did always felt surface level to me, and I could feel there was so much more underneath it.

My chart was saying it the whole time. I just didn’t have the language for it yet.

This is part one of a three-part series on the big three, through the eyes of someone who reads charts for a living. The Moon is next, and then the Sun.

If you know your rising put it in the comments. I’d love to know how many of you read slide six and recognised the woman you were before you learnt to tone her down.

#astrology #risingsign #relationalastrology by @_vickidean_

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5 hours ago

I could go days without speaking to my kids when they were at their dad’s… and I never thought that made me a bad mum.

I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. When my kids were with their dad, there were times I would go days without speaking to them. Of course I wanted to talk to them, I missed them. I just didn’t feel like I needed to constantly insert myself into the other household to reassure myself that I was still their mum.

If they called me, obviously I would speak to them. I just never wanted them to feel like they had to call Mum every day, or that enjoying themselves at Dad’s somehow meant they were forgetting me.

My relationship with my children wasn’t something I felt needed to be constantly proved through contact.
I knew they loved me. They knew I loved them. That bond wasn’t disappearing because we hadn’t spoken since Tuesday.

I think sometimes we have to ask ourselves… Do they need the contact, or do I?

#parallelparenting #stepmom #blendedfamily #secondmarriage by @_vickidean_

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15 days ago

Since I started sharing about blended family life here, these are some of the comments that turn up.

The best one was someone having a go at my videos, even though it was my own child I was filming 🤦🏽‍♀️

The comments section shows me how much hurt there still is in this space.

I’ve been the bio mum whose children have stepmums, and I’ve been the stepmum. Both roles are hard and both deserve some grace.

Which of these have you heard?

#stepmom #blendedfamily #coparent #stepmum #divorce by @_vickidean_

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a day ago

Tony Robbins said something at a summit recently that I keep coming back to…expectations destroy joy.

The expectation that cost me the most was this one. I expected my husband to be exactly the same man when his kids were home.

He wasn’t. He was softer on them and less available to me. For a long time I took it personally. I’d spend the whole visit keeping score.

What I couldn’t see then was what he was carrying…guilt about the break-up, and a deep wish to make every short visit count. Of course he parented differently with that weight on him 🙌🏽

Letting go of that expectation still left room for standards. We agreed on the few things that matter to us both in our house, and I let the rest go.

Now when he leans into his kids, I can see it for what it is….a dad making the most of the time he has.

What expectation are you holding about your partner when the kids are home?

If you want to join the conversation around blending families, co parenting and step parenting FOLLOW @_vickidean_ I’d love to have you around 🫶🏽

#blendedfamily #coparenting #stepmom #stepmum #astrology by @_vickidean_

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9 days ago

Welcome to Decoded. Each week I’m taking a real moment from life in our blended family and showing you the placement in the chart behind it.

Episode 1 is happening in my house right now. The stepkids are here for the school holidays, and the first 24 hours of any changeover still feel like living somewhere new. The difference is that I understand why now, and I’ve stopped treating that unsettled feeling as a problem to fix.

If you’re in a blended family, co-parenting, or living with any kind of changing household, your 4th house and your Moon are the first places I’d look.

Tell me your Moon sign in the comments and I’ll share what helps you settle.

Intrigued about these conversations hit the FOLLOW @_vickidean_ episode 2 coming next week.

#blendedfamily #stepmom #coparenting #divorce by @_vickidean_

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3 days ago

I could go days without speaking to my kids when they were at their dad’s… and I never thought that made me a bad mum.

I’ve thought about this a lot over the years.

When my kids were with their dad, there were times I would go days without speaking to them. Of course I wanted to talk to them, I missed them. I just didn’t feel like I needed to constantly insert myself into the other household to reassure myself that I was still their mum.

If they called me, obviously I would speak to them. I just never wanted them to feel like they had to call Mum every day, or that enjoying themselves at Dad’s somehow meant they were forgetting me.

My relationship with my children wasn’t something I felt needed to be constantly proved through contact.
I knew they loved me. They knew I loved them.
That bond wasn’t disappearing because we hadn’t spoken since Tuesday.

I think sometimes we have to ask ourselves…Do they need the contact, or do I?

Follow @_vickidean_ for deeper conversations around blending families, step parenting, divorce, family dynamics.

#stepmom #highconflictcoparenting #blendedfamilylife #divorcedmom by @_vickidean_

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16 days ago

If I could hand my year-one self one note, it’d be this one. She was longing so hard to be the perfect step mum to be good at it but failing so miserably.
What would you add?

#blendedfamily #relationshipastrology #coparenting #stepmom #stepmum by @_vickidean_

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5 days ago

Number three is the one nobody talks about.

Most women I speak to in blended families are exhausted, and they assume it’s because the situation is hard. Often it is….. but a lot of that exhaustion comes from doing the same job they did at 5-6-7-8 years old, keeping everyone calm, for a family that never asked them to.

You can’t put down a role you haven’t named yet. My FREE guide lands this Sunday. Comment ROLE and I’ll send it to you as soon as it’s live.

#blendedfamily #stepmom #familydynamics #coparenting #astrology by @_vickidean_

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6 days ago

My North Node is in Virgo, which puts my South Node in Pisces. In my own FREE guide (watch this space 👀), that makes me the rescuer.

For me…rescuing didn’t look warm or loving. I picked up on every bit of stress in our house, my husband’s and the kids’. We’d feel it days before the stepkids even arrived, and I’d soak it all up until it came out of me sideways, short-tempered and on edge.

That’s the Pisces side of me. It absorbs the mood of a room without asking whether it’s mine to carry. AKA the dirty sponge 😅

My North Node in Virgo asks for something different…care with edges. Noticing what’s mine and what isn’t. Routines, clear limits, and looking after my own body and time first, so what I give doesn’t cost me myself.

Mine sits in the 2nd house, the house of my own resources and self-worth. So for me…the lesson also shows up in building something that’s mine, instead of tying my safety to everyone else being okay.

At 47, I’m finally taking that seriously. I still feel everything. I’ve just stopped assuming I have to carry all of it.

Your Nodes show the role you learnt to play in your family, and the one you’re here to grow into. Next Sunday I’m sharing a free guide so you can find yours from your birth date. Keep an eye out.

#astrolgy #blendedfamily #coparenting #stepmom #breakthecycle by @_vickidean_

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6 days ago