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Andi

@andithelight

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“you will know the truth and the truth will set you free”
be the light ❤️‍🔥🕯️
welcome to my ejournal/photo diary/open notes/poetry/spam
@ageforlove🇱🇷

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now back to my regularly scheduled programming by @andithelight

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20 days ago

When I was in middle and highschool I listened to so much Bon Iver. I knew every song by the first measure, and felt it all to my core. I wrote articles on WeHeartIt about my dream of living in the PNW and traveling in a bus. That dream died inside me on account of the hardship of life, but still there exists a faith small as a mustard seed. When the time comes I hope it’s enough to move the mountain of limitations that stands between me and everything I’ve ever wanted. To this day I hear these songs and all I can imagine in the scenic highway, and riding the train all the way there. I got it in my head that I had to see Banff before I died. I can’t describe the way this dream took ahold of me. But I yearned for that place with everything inside me. The last few years of my life I’ve missed all the turns. I let life keep me busy. I let the time fly by. I didn’t stop to watch the world burn. I didn’t stop to watch the colors of the wind. I can’t change the past, nor make up for lost time. I made a commitment to myself that I would map out all my days this fall. Fill them all with reverence for the beauty that I can see. I’m gonna ride the scenic railway train at the highest peak of turn. I’m going to hike all the best trails. I’m going to see every waterfall in the state. I’m going to the pumpkin patch. I’m going to the Apple orchard. I’m going to the fair. I’m going to do everything I dreamed about and let go of. I’m going to stop. I’m going to slow down. I’m going to breathe. I’m going to live. I’m going to let my dreams come alive again. I’m going to let go of everything I’m holding onto. I’m going to let the year pass and end taking note of all the grace I was handed in the demise I assured for myself in every wrong doing. When I was in the 7th grade I downloaded For Emma, Forever Ago to my sliding phone. I still listen to that album when I feel lost, and when I want to go back in time. It’s a sore spot, like an open wound when I hear those songs again. In that same breath, the music takes me home. Have you ever heard something that put such life into your soul? These are photos from the few days of fall in the last years I stopped to admire. by @andithelight

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23 days ago

I heard a Tyler Childers song that cued a Ray LaMontagne and suddenly I was 19. I always, always think of 19. We’re all so young and beautiful at 19. And then like a dove it goes and flies off for dry land and does not return. When I was 19 I was going into my twenties. There was a hope that existed beyond the lines of hopelessness and aimless wander. Impossible to kill, it lived there between the shades of grey as I sought answers to the questions of life. 19 the version of me before the foundation of who I was was shaken. The one who saw the light. What is another word for ditzy?

Something to describe a reality under a vignette of pure white light. Sopping up the dark holes in this plight, my soul searched for adventure. Little did she know she would find it. Generous, and full of nothing but time. Young and unmarked. A doe refusing to be caught in headlights. A dragonfly breaking free against the tension of a net. Who you are at 19 is a direct result of who your parents trained you up to be. Enmeshment decided 19 is too young to be free.

Why do we age? Why does time find us, like light in the dark. The chemical reaction that feeds daisies sugar. The click of a dial you turn on a kitchen timer. 10 minutes to supper. An unknown countdown to the end of all my days.

If I could have dinner with Jesus, I’d ask him the really important things. Like when will I be loved? Will it hurt? How could I share some of my life tokens with my Mom. Do we find peace here? Is harmony too much to hope for these days? What was it like in the writers’ room with Joni Mitchell.

Oh, and what was it you mentioned about this endless ache. Tumbling down long hills, landing somewhere between restless and battered up. Why must we get old?

Through every door is an age I hurt for, yet I couldn’t possibly live through again if I was given the button to hold. I pretend like a refire of all these years could save me, but in some distant universe I’ll always be a little broken. That’s the fault my life followed. It wasn’t my fault at all. Before autonomy there were no borders. All I could do to protect my mind was dream, and dream we did. Little black girl. I remember the way they looked by @andithelight

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a month ago

when it hurts this good you gotta play it twice 💿 by @andithelight

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a month ago

❤️‍🔥 by @andithelight

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2 months ago

A year comes and goes so fast. It will take whatever it wants with it. The good and the bad. The sweet and anything that could be used to cope. But I hear a song from last year and it doesn’t feel so dark. I remember the sun, and I recall that it still shined on me. All of the emotions I felt come to mind and for a moment I can remember 23. The faces and the company. How it felt to spend a Friday night when I was lucky enough to be called on. The drives to Alpharetta because I thought If I took a class at that campus I would be motivated. How I gave myself the worst kind of habit by making my study spot the dive. And how much fun it was to write my silly history assignment under the shade of Tully. I love to reminisce and in the moment my memory fails me. But it’s through the music that I remain, I find exactly who I was in every season through the recollection of the songs I listened to. I feel like my year is gone, and it was darker than most any. But with all I went through still not as dark as 2023 or something duller that came before. I always miss a moment when it’s gone. Nothing lasts forever, and I’m leaning everyday to make my peace with that. I can’t believe how many years have passed so far. I feel like I’ve been stuck in limbo. Despite my calculations, there are times I let myself slip into places I know will take much more time than I invested to pull away from. I made myself sick again just to live in the moment. I’m paying for that now everyday, but I know that I’ll wake up and the noise will be culled. Someday. Maybe in another year or two. And If I learn to be better I could self preserve my way out of another round of universal experiences. But is that so human? I feel alive when I yearn, when I remember, when I can’t forget, when I’m so passionately consumed all I can do is write about it. I won’t be missed the way I miss. I won’t be loved the way I love. I won’t be desired the way I desire, but still I wouldn’t trade this heart for anything in the world. Before I got all sick I dreamed that when summer came I could eat tomatoes raw with vinegar and salt all summer, and that was a guarantee if I sowed them. Little did I know life would take my by @andithelight

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2 months ago

So then I’ll read a book, or maybe two or three. I’ll add a few new poems to my gallery. I’ll play guitar and sit and cook and basically just wonder when will my life begin. I don’t even be brushing my hair fr yall should have seen me yesterday tryna detangling those two month wicks mad asf at myself🫪🥰 #stillgrateful You think it’s overkill if I buy a new typewriter tomorrow??😏 by @andithelight

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2 months ago

I had a dream last night that I cried for all the things I lost. The day before, in a dream where I was the victim of a nasty smear campaign I saw so much rejection, and my heart was filled with fire. It was more than anger, and more than longing. It consumed me. My fingers were tucked into my thumb and I beat my thighs in defeat. The way it feels to be tied at the arms, and your voice doesn’t matter. Then you look for a way out, a source of comfort, or anything to calm the nervous system. When you’re a baby, a swaddle is the key to much peace. The instant soothing of stress. I don’t remember what it felt like to feel safe enough to surrender the mobility of my arms. But I won’t forget what it feels like to have no choice, and for anything that belongs to you to be ripped out of your hands, for your identity to be buried deep within the folds of a family system. To be lost to a tribe that somehow in some way reflects you despite how far removed you are. Even in the span of one generation. It hurts me when I find the words, despite the rope tied around my neck, To the right of my heart, waiting for me to open my mouth, and you’re not listening. But if I had a Time Machine I would tell it all, and yell it from the rooftop. I would make sure someone heard. That someone knew, that they could cull this thief before it consumed everything dear to me. by @andithelight

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3 months ago

#READ at the @lvilleartscenter . Reject the status quo. Death to AI. Death to Chat GPT. Remember who you are tessay taker. “We are all connected to each other, in a circle, in a hoop that never ends” ♾️❤️‍🔥 taken in LAC- Lawrenceville Arts Center by @andithelight

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3 months ago

Only 1 drop/3 kicks to the face, but I still didn’t lose my glasses. #grateful taken in The Masquerade by @andithelight

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3 months ago

April 27, 2024. by @andithelight

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3 months ago

My favorite things I’ve ever thrifted. Hours wiping tables, and hours walking through antique stores, driving all around the metro to random addresses on Facebook, and trusting the integrity and words of strangers. I haven’t been failed yet. This vanity is my absolute favorite. I am a regular at a thrift store you can work at for community service hours. One day a boy that worked there asked me if there’s anything he could look out for for me. I said a vintage vanity. While they were out collection items from homes he saw this and made them take it back to the store instead of the trash just for me. On my rounds to the store he saw me and said he saved something for me, and it was this vanity. They sold it to me for $20. It was my day off from the restaurant and they loaded it into the back of my truck and it rattled the whole way home.
#vintage #collector

This mirror I got off fb marketplace in Tucker. The lady changed the price after telling me I could come get it, but I didn’t argue it. It smelled faintly off hookah tobacco when I first picked up, but the smell has long since faded. Maybe $75

Multiple Polaroid cameras, vintage film cameras and camcorders. Something like $10 each but never more than $20.

This metallic blue duster I left in my cousins car that she threw away bc she “didn’t know who it was for” as if she knows anybody that got more vintage motion than me 😒

This stereo cassette which I drove to Gainesville or somewhere up north for, and the entertainment shelf I got from someone in Lilburn. The lady left it in the porch for me and told me to put the money in the mailbox. True southernism. Something like $40 and $10.

My faithful Petunia Grace that I got for $1300 dollars of money I made from waiting tables at a hibachi/sushi spot. Refuse to eat yum yum sauce to this day. After hours of filling to go cups with ginger, teriyaki and yumyum, I don’t believe in giving away sauces for free. Call the manager.

Sparkie and I

This House of CB dress that’s almost $200 but I got it for like $80 because it had a manufacturing defect (which was a small cut on the strap that had no bearing on the integrity of the dress). I didn’t realize eBay was so go by @andithelight

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13

3 months ago