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Colette Fehr | Couples Therapist & Author

@colettejanefehr

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Helping you say what matters & stay connected
Author of The Cost of Quiet
Speaker | podcast + radio | TV contributor
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It’s not the big issues that usually undo a relationship.

It’s the little moments.

The comment that stings and you sweep under the rug.
 The hurt you swallow because you don’t want to start something.
 The night your partner reaches and you respond with defensiveness instead of curiosity.
 The moment you feel dismissed and decide it’s easier to let it go than to explain why it mattered.

Those small moments add up.

And when they go unaddressed, distance grows quietly.

The Cost of Quiet is about learning how to handle those moments differently.

How to regulate your nervous system before you speak.
 How to get clear on what you’re actually feeling and needing.
 How to respond to your partner’s hurts instead of protecting yourself.
 How to repair quickly so resentment doesn’t take root.

Secure, lasting love isn’t about avoiding hard conversations.

It’s about having them well.

📖The Cost of Quiet is available now wherever books are sold ✨

#selfhelpbooks #thecostofquiet #relationshipadvice #healthycommunication taken in Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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8 months ago

@colettejanefehr is giving the Tam Fam a masterclass on avoiding good girl-itis with in-laws. by @colettejanefehr

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8 months ago

You can be upset with your partner and still be on the same team.

A recent @washingtonpost article highlighted a meta-analysis of 30 studies that found “we-talk,” using language that frames you and your partner as a team, was associated with better relationship functioning.

As a couples therapist, I see how quickly we lose that sense of being a team when we’re upset. But there are a few things we can do to build the skills that lead to greater resilience and more deeply connected relationships.

In honor of National Conflict Resolution Day this week, I joined the amazing team at FOX 35 Orlando to talk about destructive versus constructive conflict and share practical tips to help you work through disagreements as teammates.

Watch the full segment on my website, link in bio.

For a deeper dive into the art of fighting well, grab a copy of my book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations that Create Secure, Lasting Love. Available in hardcover and audiobook wherever books are sold.

#couplescommunication #conflictresolution #healthyrelationships #thecostofquiet #fox35 taken in Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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an hour ago

What happens when National Conflict Resolution Day meets National Pasta Day? Perfection! This morning I got to meet Chef Jay @table410_ and even better, I got to sample some of the most delicious handmade pasta I’ve ever had. I can’t wait to take one of his classes and attend me of his dinner events! One of the most rewarding parts of joining the Fox35 team Friday on GoodDay Orlando Xtra are all the wonderful people, and animals 🐶😉, I get to meet in studio! #fox35 #nationalconflictresolutionday #nationalpastaday #couplestherapy #healthycommunication taken in FOX 35 Orlando by @colettejanefehr

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4 hours ago

After years of working with couples, I keep seeing the same patterns in the ones who are genuinely happy. It’s not about grand gestures or never fighting. It’s about small, consistent habits that protect the relationship day to day.

Swipe through and see how many of these show up in your relationship.

Which one of these do you think is the most important? Drop it in the comments ⬇️

And if some of these are missing from your relationship, that’s not a failure, it’s just great information on what to focus your energy on next.

#relationshipgoals #couplestherapy #marriageadvice #healthyrelationships #relationshiptips taken in Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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4 months ago

The crazy internet feud between Kelly Clarkson and Brooklyn store The Art of Play, seems to be about an animatronic bird (yep you read the right), but of course, as is always the case with relationship conflict, it’s not really about the bird. It’s never about the thing that you seem to be arguing about.

In this case it’s about two things: excepting that there are multiple subjective experiences happening at the same time in all of our relationship interactions, and how we choose to come forward when our buttons get pushed. Relationship interactions aren’t about fighting for who’s right or what the facts are. They’re about making space to acknowledge each person person’s without firing bullets: blame, accusation and assumptions. In this case, both sides could’ve done better to de-escalate rather than adding fuel to the fire.

#relationshipadvice #birdgate #couplestherapist taken in Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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3 days ago

You can be upset with your partner and still be on the same team. Join me live tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. on FOX 35’s Good Day Orlando Xtra, where I’ll be sharing what the strongest couples do differently to keep disagreements from turning into a fight.

#nationalconflictresolutionday #conflict #conflictresolution #fox35 #couplestherapy taken in Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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19 hours ago

I love spending Friday mornings with the team at FOX 35’s Good Day Orlando!

They’re consummate professionals and truly great human beings, and the conversations are always lively, thoughtful, and insightful. They genuinely value and support mental health, and I’m so grateful they continue to invite me into these important conversations.

And it’s always a bonus when I get to meet an adorable pet up for adoption; especially since I adopted my dog Kirby after he appeared as a rescue on Good Day Orlando almost 20 years ago.

#gooddayorlando #fox35orlando #couplestherapist #mentalhealthmatters taken in FOX 35 Orlando by @colettejanefehr

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a month ago

Gen Z is dating less, and it’s affecting how they show up in the workplace. Only 56% of Gen Z enter adulthood having had a romantic relationship, compared with more than 75% of previous generations.

Less practice connecting in person is leading to social atrophy: a decline in the skills we need to navigate relationships both personally and professionally.

Relationships are hard. They require vulnerability and the ability to have difficult conversations. They teach you to deal with friction in real time, to tolerate discomfort, to assert your needs while making room for the needs of others.

It’s estimated that by 2030 Gen Z will make up as much as 30 percent of the workforce, so helping younger workers build these communication skills matters to all of us.

I joined FOX 35 Orlando’s Good Day Orlando Xtra this morning to talk about this and more.
Watch the full clip on my website at the link in my bio.

#genz #communicationskills #relationships #workplacecommunication #fox35 taken in Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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7 days ago

Happy birthday to my lovely wife, Colette! You have had quite a year and I look forward to our years ahead. I love you! by @colettejanefehr

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13 days ago

More couples are having “food divorces,” eating separately because of different schedules, diets, appetites, meal-prep burnout, and the mental load.

And separate meals can make life easier by providing flexibility, reducing resentment, and relieving some of the mental load, especially when most of it falls on one partner’s plate.

But we also risk losing one of the few remaining rituals for unstructured connection.

In my latest segment on FOX 35’s Good Day Orlando Xtra, I shared a few ways couples can make separate meals work without drifting into separate lives.

Connection doesn’t require eating meals at the same time, but it does require being intentional. Start by getting into conversation with your partner. You might be amazed at the creative solutions that emerge for staying connected while making meal planning simpler.

It’s always a pleasure joining the team at FOX 35!

Watch the full clip on my website at the link in my bio.

#fooddivorce #couplescommunication #relationshiptips #healthyrelationships #fox35 taken in Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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18 days ago

You don’t have to have had “bad parents” to have childhood wounds.

Every childhood asks us to adapt in some way. We learn what keeps us connected, what keeps us safe, what gets us love, and what parts of ourselves are easier to show or hide.

Those adaptations can be incredibly useful when we’re young. The problem is that we often carry them into adulthood long after we need them.

In our conversation with Galit Atlas, we talk about the wounds we all carry, the ways our childhoods shape us, and what it looks like to finally understand the patterns we’ve been living inside.

🎧 New episode of Insights From the Couch.
#insightsfromthecouch #midlifewomen #childhoodwounds #mentalhealthatmidlife taken in Baldwin Park, Orlando, Florida by @colettejanefehr

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23 days ago