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@ghostmahcine

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bookended this week with my 29th and 30th @switchfoot shows in Richmond and DC. i spent them both with some of the people who mean most to me in this world, all of whom i get to love thanks to this band.

since last night i’ve been crying nonstop basically — i cried to my friends, i cried to my steering wheel, i cried to my cats, i cried to my mom (she cried, too, bless her), girl i’m crying right now!! my life has changed a lot in the last year, as i’ve reiterated ad nauseam, and there have been countless moments where i really believed it wasn’t one worth living anymore. i’m reminded now that if this life, with all its grief and frustration and heartbreak, has these people in it, people who consistently make me feel so wholly loved and held in ways i still can’t understand, then maybe the hopelessness is worth seeing through.

maybe it’s okay. yeah. maybe it’ll be okay. it’s a simple thought, but one i did not believe a month ago. and i might not believe it next month. but the love i feel right now, like an overflowing cup, like the sun punching through a cumulus cloud — it all remains true. i was here, it was real. i’m so grateful i can hardly stand it.

@switchfoot, thank you, as always, for being my band, for fostering my community, for pouring into me, for allowing me to *belong* somewhere. god, isn’t that something? all i ever wanted growing up was somewhere i could do that. belong. i do, now, i think. i really do. little Baylee wouldn’t believe it. i want this feeling for everyone. how lucky can one person be?

thank you for loving me all 30 times. here’s to losing count. i love you, too. by @ghostmahcine

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18 days ago

i’m still pinching myself from Wednesday night. what is there to say about Hayley Ms. Williams that hasn’t already been said? i continue to maintain that she is the best performer of her generation. there is no one else as charismatic, multifaceted, captivating, brilliant. she is a force both on stage and off — humble and community-oriented, she is steadfast in her activism and brings it everywhere she goes, unflinchingly. she is truly one of a kind and i feel immense gratitude that i was FINALLY able to catch her solo tour. and it could not have been a more perfect night. it was completely magical and everything worked out better than i could have ever hoped. i’m so endlessly thankful.

thank you, Hayley, for everything you are. for sharing yourself with us. for your heart of gold. for handing me that setlist!!! what the hell!!!!!!!! i will never ever ever forget that moment 😭❤️ my god. i keep tearing up when i think about it. it’s nights like this one that remind me why i stick around. you are ever so special to me and we are all so lucky to exist at the same time as you.

✨🔮🪷🪐 taken in Coastal Credit Union Music Park at Walnut Creek by @ghostmahcine

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a month ago

going over a year without seeing these guys was bad for my health probably. in all honesty it’s been a really, really hard year and i needed that. that was so much fun. it always feels like medicine. love y’all in a craaaazy way. let’s do it again in a couple weeks ok? 🏄🏻‍♀️🌅🫶🏻 taken in Virginia Beach Board Walk by @ghostmahcine

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a month ago

i have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again taken in Hoping by @ghostmahcine

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a month ago

the sun sets on two years without you. so much to catch you up on. i think of you every day. i love you, my mister. there was, and still is, no one like you. by @ghostmahcine

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4 months ago

posting this while i wait for my laundry to finish drying taken in Funny Girl Farm by @ghostmahcine

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5 months ago

a couple weeks ago was miss girl’s first gotcha day! looking back on a whole year with this crazy kid, here are some of my favorite things about my Tiny:

🍊 her one cute multicolored paw!! a mixed bag o beans 🥰
🍊 watching her discover new things (pic 2 was her first time experiencing a sun puddle 🥹)
🍊 the way she snarfs and snores while she’s sleeping like a little old man
🍊 she will literally sit there and make biscuits for fifteen minutes straight before she lays down. i timed it once
🍊 her easy-going nature — she is such a go-with-the-flow cat and puts her bravest foot forward into every new situation! this was very much appreciated recently when we had to transition into a much smaller space. she has been so adaptable.
🍊 her instant affection and trust for every new person she encounters! everybody who meets her adores her
🍊 her giant green doll eyes that win me over every time
🍊 that she chose me to be her best friend :-)

admittedly, we’re still figuring each other out, and i’m still fine tuning the best life i can possibly give her. she loves tuna, chasing pompom balls, watching birds, and snuggling. she is bold, demanding, and particular (she wants what she wants when she wants it!!!), but her strong personality is so much fun to decode. she’s always keeping me on my toes, but she is overall a very happy, silly, energetic, and sickly sweet little lady.

my best girl. i have and would do anything for her. i love you, my tweetie bird. i can’t wait for the rest of our life together! ❤️ by @ghostmahcine

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9 months ago

ending the year living back at my parents house after 5 years of independence. i burned out so bad i stopped taking care of myself. still learning every day what life is like accommodating a disability. you know how it goes. maybe i’ll tell the whole story soon.
sometimes i think ive made a terrible mistake. but i got boba today, and that was nice taken in Wake Forest, North Carolina by @ghostmahcine

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9 months ago

things have been really really hard lately ngl. but here are a few good and silly things by @ghostmahcine

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a year ago

two days ago, at 25 years old, i received a diagnosis for ASD.
about four years ago, i was speaking with some of my close autistic friends about their experiences. i saw parts of myself reflected in their words. so i dug a little deeper, both into my own head and into the minds of others like me.
many autistic people can attest to having always felt “different” from their peers growing up, and i identify with that. even now, as i’m learning how best to support myself in a world that wasn’t made for me, i can’t help but feel like i’ll never be able to express myself how most other people can with relative ease. this causes me to isolate and miss out on meaningful relationships. it can take years for me to feel comfortable being myself with someone new. i often never do.
my own capacity for feeling, even pleasant emotions, has always scared me. i have to ration my own feelings lest they overwhelm me or others. i’ve always been made to feel too sensitive, embarrassing, overreactive. i have a lot of particularities i need to satisfy day-to-day to keep myself comfortable, and i hide them as much as i can to avoid eye-rolling. i’m scared of being judged for neurodevelopment i never had a hand in. i’ve tried to change so many times. i look at the child i once was and how alone they felt. i don’t want to tell them that feeling never went away.
even with an official diagnosis, i still have trouble validating my own experience. i’ve internalized so much shame and intolerance from mistreatment in my formative years and it’s all i can do to wave the fog away every day. my therapist and i determined i’ve been in a perpetual state of burnout for about three years. i can’t do the things i used to enjoy, and the simplest tasks feel insurmountable. i wish i had a quick fix for it. but the thing about disability is that, get this, it disables you. still reckoning with that.
i don’t really have a conclusion to this. i wish i could give you more of a silver lining but this is me being honest and exhausted. maybe one day i’ll have more positive things to say. still, i feel immense relief from receiving this diagnosis. i felt like a grocery store cake was in order. want a piece? by @ghostmahcine

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a year ago

if i may, i want to say a few words about the 2022 gay pirate comedy Our Flag Means Death —
if you know me, you know i don’t watch shit. it takes a lot to convince me to sit down and commit to a piece of media. when one of my best friends told me 3 years ago that i NEEDED to watch this show, i’m very grateful to have acquiesced. by the end of the first episode, i distinctly remember thinking, “holy fuck. this is the best show that has ever been made,” and whether that’s objectively true or not (again, i haven’t seen most things), i asked if we could watch the next episode. i haven’t looked back.
Our Flag Means Death, to me, is as much a silly period comedy as it is a show about becoming. i identify so much with Stede as a character. i see someone who can’t help but be himself no matter how badly he wants to stop. i see someone whose greatest inspiration falls in love with him, not because he’s trying to be someone he isn’t, but because he is fascinatingly odd and bright and loud and opinionated and determined. he’s inserting himself in a world he’s not quite cut out for, but he does it anyway. he does it flawed, he does it scared. to most, it’s just a tv show. to me, as silly as it might sound, i watched a character become wholly adored for the very qualities he has been admonished his whole life for. qualities i see reflected within myself. i definitely came for the beautiful writing and stayed for, well, the Being Seen of it all. i could’ve never predicted that part.
i will forever be thankful for @dvidjenkins for pitching such a charming show. i’m gonna love this gorgeous story for the rest of my life, probably. thanks for helping me see myself, and that wherever i go, there i am.
and thank you @amydooz for an unparalleled tattoo experience, and for being just as excited about this idea as me! you blew it out of the water just as i knew you would and i am extremely thankful.
🩷🌖⚔️🦄🏴‍☠️🌈 taken in Dawsonville, Georgia by @ghostmahcine

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a year ago

bday week with a bluejay 😌🫶🏻🪶 taken in Triple Falls, Dupont State Forest by @ghostmahcine

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a year ago