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Psychotherapist

@heartandmindset

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🇬🇧 UK-Registered➡️BACP
🪷Relationship Therapy for Couples & Individuals
🎙Podcast with @mothersdaughtermindset ❤️

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Grief deserves compassion. Always. ❤️

BUT ..... I’ve been reading about the idea of weaponising grief, and it’s made me think. Some use it still when recovery has been healthily processed but they still refuse to integrate with others & the world.... and additiinally use it as their "identity" of who they are today..

This can be after a bereavement or when divorced after a long marriage.

Sometimes pain can slowly become an identity — a badge we carry.
“I’m the one who was hurt.”
“I’m the one who was wronged.”
“I’m the victim.”

And without realising it, grief can begin to offer something too: sympathy from others, validation, permission to stay stuck, or even a way of silencing anyone who challenges us.

That doesn’t mean the grief isn’t real.
It doesn’t mean someone should simply “get over it.”
But there is a difference between honouring our pain and allowing our pain to "define us"

Healing doesn’t betray what happened to us.
And moving forward doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.

Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is put down the badge while still acknowledging the wound. ❤️

#heartandmindset #griefandloss #selfpity #griefprocessing #stayingstuck by @heartandmindset

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13 days ago

I recently saw a post suggesting that if a man hasn’t made the relationship exclusive within four months, it’s time to move on.

WRONG!!

Says @drmaxbutterfield AND me! 🤣🤣

Healthy Relationships don’t work to a universal timetable.
For some couples, four months might feel completely right. For others, it may take longer to build the trust, emotional safety and confidence needed to make that commitment.

Taking your time isn’t necessarily a lack of interest or intention. Sometimes it’s a sign that two people are allowing a relationship to develop naturally rather than rushing to meet an arbitrary deadline 👍

What matters more is whether the relationship is progressing.
Are you communicating openly?
Are you becoming more emotionally connected?
Are you both investing in the relationship?
Can you talk honestly about what you each want?

There’s a big difference between taking your time and keeping someone in limbo.

Healthy relationships need conversations, not countdowns.!!!

You don’t need to force commitment by month four because social media told you that you should. You do, however, deserve enough communication and honesty to know whether you’re both moving in the same direction. ❤️

#heartandmindset #healthyrelationships #communication #emotionalconnections #commitment by @heartandmindset

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14 days ago

Sometimes resentment towards a partner isn’t really about the partner.
A person may be unhappy with their job, disappointed with a decision they’ve made, frustrated with where they are in life, or simply feeling unfulfilled.

But looking inward can be uncomfortable.
It requires us to ask difficult questions:
Am I happy with the choices I’ve made?
What am I actually dissatisfied with?
What needs to change — and what is my responsibility to change?
Sometimes it feels easier to look across the room than into the mirror.
So the frustration gets redirected.

Suddenly the relationship is the problem.
The partner is irritating.
Their flaws become magnified.
Small disagreements carry far more emotional weight than they should.

This is projection — taking feelings that belong to one area of our life and attaching them to something, or someone, else.
And if we don’t recognise it, resentment can quietly rewrite the story of a relationship.
“I’m unhappy” becomes “You make me unhappy.”
“I feel stuck” becomes “This relationship is holding me back.”
“I’m struggling with myself” becomes “Something is wrong with us.”

Of course, sometimes a relationship genuinely does need attention. But before placing our unhappiness at our partner’s feet, it’s worth asking:
Where did this feeling actually begin?

Self-awareness means being willing to separate dissatisfaction within ourselves from dissatisfaction with our relationship.
Because your partner cannot fix a life you are unhappy living.
And blaming them may temporarily give the unhappiness somewhere to go — but it doesn’t resolve where it came from.

Projection is just avoidance of looking at oneself &
“Sometimes it feels easier to look across the room than into the mirror” but it destroys relationships!

#heartandmindset #projection #avoidance #couplestherapy #blame by @heartandmindset

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21 days ago

I did it 🎉🏅🏃‍♀️
13.1 miles.... What a great atmosphere, 63,000 runners & brilliant supporters in Newcastle & South Shields....
My feet are sore 🤣 but loved it....💛 and a great cause for Marie Curie too and in memory of my dad.... Got bit emosh at finish line 😭 but it was also the relief of finishing the half marathon too 😅

On a final note... you can do anything you put your mind too... the hardest part is takimg that 1st step and putting those trainers on 👟

#Heartandmindset #greatnorthrun
#running #mentalhealthmatters #justdoit by @heartandmindset

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24 days ago

My Just giving page looks like this💛🌟

My dad died 15 years ago from prostate cancer & I have ran a few times for Marie Curie...

My dad loved this Louis Armstrong song 💙

No doubt when we finish the Half marathon I will probably be a tad emosh because Ill have done it for my dad and also for the relief I don't need to do it again 🤣🤣 or will I? 🧐🤭🤔

#Heartandmindset #GNR2026 #greatnorthrun #mariecurie by @heartandmindset

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a month ago

MY LAST SWEATY RUN 🤣

🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️ 5 DAYS TO GO!! 💛

In just 5 days, my partner and I will be standing on that start line in Newcastle, ready to take on the Great North HALF MARATHON 😬🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️

We’re both in our 50s, and for us this is about so much more than running 13.1 miles. It’s about keeping ourselves fit and healthy, setting ourselves a challenge — and hopefully proving that there are still plenty of adventures to be had in your 50s! 💪❤️

We’ve put the miles in, had the good runs, the not-so-good runs 😂 and now it’s nearly time to enjoy the experience.

The Great North Run is such a HUGE event and I honestly can’t wait to soak up the atmosphere, seeing The Red Arrows 🚀the crowds, the music and that incredible feeling of crossing the finish line. 🥳🏅

Most importantly, I'm doing it for Marie Curie 💛, helping them continue the amazing work they do supporting people and families when they need it most.

If anyone would like to sponsor me, even a few pounds would mean a lot and help make every one of those 13.1 miles worthwhile. 💛

My JustGiving page:
👉 Search “Fiona Perkins" on Justgiving.com

5 days. 13.1 miles. One very big adventure. Bring it on! 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️💛❤️💙

#Heartandmindset #GNR2026 #greatnorthrun #halfmarathon #fitinour50s by @heartandmindset

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a month ago

Women who have done the inner work love differently ❤️

They can love a man deeply without believing it is their job to rescue him.
They don’t spend years trying to heal someone who is unwilling to help himself.
They don’t confuse his potential with the reality of who he is today. And they don’t keep abandoning their own needs while waiting for him to become ready.

They’ve learned that love isn’t supposed to be one person carrying the emotional weight of two.
They don’t wait endlessly for a man to lead the relationship forward, initiate the difficult conversations, offer reassurance, make plans or finally decide what he wants. Thats exhausting!!

They communicate what they need and they have deep values & standards.
And they pay attention to what happens next.

Because inner work teaches you something important abput yourself 🥰

You cannot love someone into emotional availability.
You cannot rescue someone into growth.
And you cannot build a secure relationship with potential alone.

But she does expect him to participate

❤️To communicate.
❤️To take responsibility.
❤️To show consistency.
❤️To meet her somewhere in the middle

"The right man doesnt "complete you, they "enhance you" 💞

#Heartandmindset #healthyconnections #personalgrowth #authenticlove #HealthyRelationships by @heartandmindset

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a month ago

A Dismissive Avoidant may be a description of a person but that does not mean you need to stay in a relationship thats based on someone who dismisses your feelings, shuts down conversations, witholds affection & calls it "them needing peace"!

Attachment styles are not rigid. They are flexible & can change.

Do not stay in a relationship where you have to shrink yourself or apologise for being yourself. Or staying if you think you can "fix someone"
Thats called a waste of energy...

No one fixes anyone. People have to fix themselves.

Whether thats being in a relationship with an alcohol/drug dependent, someone with a mental illness or someone whos just "an avoidant person"

Staying & "hoping" to change them will just cause unhappiness, resentment or contempt in the long run.

You owe it to yourself to be content & happy ❤️

#HeartandMindset #enablers #avoidantrelationships #avoidantdismissive #healthyrelationships by @heartandmindset

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a month ago

When someones past gets brought up, is there actually a route towards resolving it, or does the same offence keep being used as ammunition?

Sometimes things have to be opened up for healing & closure but make sure its not because you are weaponising someones past because you got hurt.

It works both ways though! ...

Healing in relationships involves the person who hurt you by taking accountability & responsibilty before the hurt party can begin to be confident & trust the person again. Its a hard road though and if a couple cannot grow together then the inevitable will happen by each of them taking different roads..& growing apart instead!

#heartandmindset #resentment #grievances #resolvement #punishingothers by @heartandmindset

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a month ago

A healthy relationship is two adults standing beside each other — not one parenting, monitoring or managing the other.

In the end that will just cause resentment.

Love needs equality, trust and the freedom to be yourself ❤️

#Heartandmindset #parentchildrelationship #resentment #unequalrelationships by @heartandmindset

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a month ago

HAPPY FRIDAYYYY FOLLOWERS 🎉

I think one of the greatest freedoms in life is simply being yourself.
Not living according to other people’s expectations. Not waiting for the “right time”. Not shrinking yourself to make other people comfortable.

An authentic life isn’t a perfect life. It’s choosing the people, experiences and moments that genuinely make you happy. It’s laughing loudly, loving deeply, trying new things, making mistakes, changing your mind and sometimes taking the road you didn’t expect.

Life is far too short to spend it performing for an audience.
Be who you are. Do more of what makes you feel alive. Make the memories. Take the chances. Live your life — not the version of it that other people expect from you.
We only get one go at this life ✨💖

#HeartandMindset #authenticity onelife #freedomthinkers #choices by @heartandmindset

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a month ago

A reminder post about Professional Boundaries that I take very seriously.

DMs are not for inappropriate conversations or "just banter"

Thank you.

HeartandMindset 🪷

#HeartandMindset #professionalboundaries #ethicalboundaries by @heartandmindset

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a month ago