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kaz 🦋

@kkazius

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larping reading | social media @uta_shlab

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ive been thinking, idly, about stress. how it overlaps with anxiety, excitement; how ive come to collide the three in my body and my mind. during the semester its my only state, and this is what ive grown to crave.
savannah brown posted to her story about how she has gotten better at "metabolizing(?)" stress, and its the closest wording ive found to what ive experienced. i have friends that argue a lot for free time, finding time to exist without work or school or labor, but this has never really worked for me. i become most anxious when there is no friction, when there is nothing moving me towards something. im self aware enough to recognize this is because ive grown used to the state of being stressed so much that i don't know how to exist or cope outside of it, but i dont really believe this is something i can (or want) to control.
the things i enjoy doing necesitate stress. this, i think, is the hardest piece to try to explain in a way that doesn't end up justifying needlesly difficult work. but my mindset shifted sometime last fall to understanding this as something i needed to mold to; stress became something conquerable. if i could get above this feeling, it could be something i determined rather than a force that acted upon me.
but this isnt precise enough. a body cannot conquer a feeling, as much as productivity culture tries to promote otherwise. a feeling isn't ever solely mental: the bodily sensations of stress are not solely physiological. so if i cannot come above my own body to dominate this one emotion, it could be something i endured and processed.
this is why metabolize stuck with me so vividly, the framing of this experience as something the body could literally process and then make productive. this isn't the same as saying that stress is necessary for productivity, but rather the simple notion that stress did not necessitate suffering as its end state. by @kkazius

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11 days ago

thoughts and feelings etc by @kkazius

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a month ago

What is @uta_shlab? by @kkazius

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a month ago

i've been thinking about thinking but more so talking. i get very annoyed when people (professors) say that writing and speaking r the same thing and they necessitate each other, or even that if you're good at one it means you'll be good at the other. i'm bad at talking about what i'm thinking i feel most of the time because i cannot keep track of all the lines at once. it's like they fade in and out of my view and trying to hold one piece in place in order to orient everything else around it the rest just. they don't despawn they just become not accessible. it makes me feel very stupid in the moment and especially stupid when i know if i had the ability to put it on a page it could at least be visible even if i still didnt make much sense.
anyway. love my grad work so far. i need fall weather to come sooner. by @kkazius

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a month ago

it is so busy all of the time...
i have freckles again because i spend around 19 hours outside on the weekends now. i am also tanning for the first time since i was a kid (i do not get a lot of sun as we all know the sun is my first and most potent enemy. the vodka redbull i was served last wednesday is a close second).
i have readopted the gay auto react emoji in the form of 🦋and it confuses a small subset of my friends. grug does not understand he believes it to be too vague it means nothing.
i lost the blue hair on account of i wanted short hair again and i was ripping it out anyway because of how damaged it was. i am also now of course pronounless! my goal was to also lose my pronouns so u all can not refer to me #ever again.
im also bringing back always always always the savannah brown story post from last summer ive kept ever since because it has persisted in my mind...i have approximately 4 posts cooking in my obsidian to be uploaded to dreamwidth soon and a special something else simmering too eventually. that story post has been a guiding little thought between them. i think ive gotten better about the notice of the object -> making that notice fascinating Outside of myself....i now understand slightly better than i am walking you all through why i find a thing interesting and before i can do that i have to walk through it myself. learning how to write in new ways most of the time for me looks like learning again that i do not think as clearly as i thought i did and having to accept this as a part of the ordeal rather than a failure
first day of the semester and i am happy to see more than 5 friends and work and the bar ♥️ by @kkazius

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2 months ago

during my move i finally went through my collection of memorabilia from my childhood because my mom is sentimental and i inherited it. i found the third picture and realized i didn't really know what my mom looked like when she was younger; she used to do pageants when she was around the age i am now, but the only pictures she has ever shown me are faceless, her performing at a grand piano during the talent portion, in a low back white dress. i couldn't tell you the last time my mom has touched her piano that I'll one day inherit, but i remember she had it tuned and repaired a few years ago. when i went home on wednesday, she still had the same book of hanon sheet music set up from when i moved out last summer, and i would've believed it hadn't been touched if i didn't see its shifting in the pictures she sends of her cat on top of the piano.
i also stumbled on a letter of rec from my highschool english teacher, and i don't really know why i have it. it was in an envelope with letters i received my senior year from teachers and my parents, and i forgot how he used to write. there are turns of phrase he used that have snuck their way into my writing, without even realizing it. he was one of the only people to push me to consider my english degree, without the emphasis on considering teaching (and yet he still did mention it, a handful of times). i think often about how i wrote back then, endlessly and fitfully. i would spend hours hunched over a chromebook, writing and rewriting and agonizing over exact word choice (i found my old, waterlogged thesaurus from ready writing, too). during the last year of my undergrad i sort of yearned for that process again, because it felt like i could never be that focused again. it felt like id never again write like that--to me, it felt like everything i was thinking and writing was in some way wrong, in some way stilted and incomplete. i felt like somehow i knew more at 16 than i knew at 22; i know now this is because i was trying to write about much bigger things at 22 than 16. an old process cannot sustain itself forever, and i had outgrown it; this cannot be a failure. by @kkazius

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2 months ago

was reminded of my fortnightly photo dump...
-hit 100k messages in the cat coalition discord. i believe i am the number one contributor by at least a 30k message lead.
-not pictured but i was being stalked by or stalking a raccoon family of 5 for a week there. have not seen them in a while
-have injured the same knuckle at least thrice since starting an overnight shift. dont ask.
-i am severely limited by the human condition if i never felt tired id be unstoppable
-still job hunting..........................a full time hybrid job will find me yesyes we all must believe i
-kazius has been moving and i have never been more violent towards the state of Texas and its weather
most important to Me change is im writing more... dreamwidth and blogging as a concept has been very fun for me, it makes writing out thoughts and ideas less daunting and lets me do creative nonfiction while utilizing some of the reading ive done over the past year/this summer. ive had dreams of revisting video content (i used to post YouTube videos many many years ago and reels on an old account) but that is much more public than i like at the moment. dreamwidth is very dead and quiet and i like it that way. more thoughts and feelings to come on this experiment when im a little further in....moving has gotten in the way of the posts im currently drafting by @kkazius

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3 months ago

i am 23 ♥️ they did not take my legs ♥️ all i do is talk to gay people in phone and work and complain about work and pet cats ♥️ my hiby battery did Explode however which i consider to be an omen of some kind of malevolence by @kkazius

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4 months ago

i hate the summer i hate the heat i hate the humidity i hate job hunting i hate rejection emails i hate interview emails i hate by @kkazius

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4 months ago

so late to posting grad pics </3 by @kkazius

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5 months ago

last post before graduation pictures <3 by @kkazius

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6 months ago

i am getting my ma!
there's a lot of sayings that i thought for a long time were stupid because of how much they're repeated, all along the lines of "being yourself" and "doing things scared." note that me thinking theyre stupid didnt stop me from repeating them. maybe freud would say its my subconsicous knowing exactly what i needed to hear. someone else would say i am misinterpreting freud but i think its the only way to interpret him.
anyways. the past 5 months of my life has been a series of decisions made very scared and things done trembling with anxiety. i never ever went into my bachelors believing id get my masters, or that i'd even go directly into a graduate program from my bachelor's. it felt like something reserved for people not like me, from different circumstances, with more talent or connections or ability. i am aware that education in any capacity is a privilege: this is why i had closed it off from myself inadvertently, in some ways believing that i wasn't worth it.
i am not a wholly new person from who ive ever been, i have always been the same me, only becoming (dramatically and cliche-ly) more myself the more i allow whatever makes me curious and bright into my life. i dont know if i believe in talent, or in a calling, but in some way i think the way i feel about the things i do now could be classed that. i am in love with knowing, or at least making attempts at it; i am in love with being surrounded by people who make this possible at all, from friends to professors.
im so so so excited to start this next path and to continue discovering what it is i have to say :3 by @kkazius

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7 months ago