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Minnyzou

@minnyzou

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🐾- #phoebe_dachshund
🏡 - one small house & one crazy dachshund
🎁 - 9/Nov/2018
❤️ - loves sleep, her toys, & the beach ⛱️

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thursday.

i'm done.

the rain got me.

my paw is a prune. my undercarriage is damp. my dignity has been washed down the storm drain.

i have suffered unspeakable moisture.

i was once a proud, dry ween. now i am a soggy little sausage with raisin toes and absolutely no will to participate in society.

do not ask me to go outside again.

do not speak to me of puddles.

i have seen things. wet things.

thursday, you soggy-bottom, crabby, miserable excuse for a day.

i demand blankets, snacks, and compensation for emotional water damage.

a very damp story by one deeply inconvenienced ween.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #powerbydachshunds
#rain #soggybottom #thursdaytales taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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2

14 hours ago

wednesday.
a strawberry story.

sometimes desperation calls for clinging to the last precious moments of summer.

even when the outside says, “absolutely not. summer is over. put on a sweater.”

but what about the strawberries?
the sunshine?
the warm little breezes?
the emotional well-being of one itty-bitty little ween?

does nobody care?!

here i am, dressed like a tiny summer strawberry, desperately trying to manifest 80 degrees while october rudely continues being october.

my little legs are cold.
my summer dreams are shattered.
and apparently, the weather has absolutely no respect for a delicate seasonal fruit.

take pity on the itty-bitty little ween.

because i am just a very, very small strawberry living in a very, very big world.

a world filled with cold weather, unreasonable expectations, and a V-E-T who recently had the audacity to call me F-A-T.

yes. i know what that spells.

i can S-P-E-L-L.

did they think spelling it out would protect my delicate little strawberry feelings?!

i was right there.

with ears.

and feelings.

and a perfectly respectable strawberry-shaped figure.

the betrayal was enormous.
much like my alleged waistline.

but i refuse to let a little autumn weather and one extremely judgmental medical professional crush my summer spirit.

i am not emotionally prepared for sweater weather.

i am not emotionally prepared for dietary restrictions.

i am just a strawberry.
a very, very small strawberry.
living in a very, very big world.

with very large feelings.

and apparently, according to the V-E-T, a very large everything else.🐾

the end. taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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2 days ago

tuesday: the day of phoebe, one fat ween

this is the end. again.

hold your breath and count to ten.

the vet told me i was fat. again.

not fluffy. not voluptuous. not a generously proportioned sausage of exceptional beauty.

fat.

and apparently, the answer is exercise.

exercise.

i beg your finest pardon.

i am a delicate flower. a rare jewel. a tiny, emotionally fragile victorian widow trapped inside the body of a slightly overstuffed bratwurst.

i was not built for such barbaric activities.

my legs are decorative. my paws are for demanding snacks. my body was designed for horizontal excellence.

the end is near, my friends.

the exercise is the end, my friend.

first, they reduced my treats. then they questioned my portions. and now they expect me to walk? on purpose? without a cheese-based incentive?

what fresh circle of hell is this?

i have endured unspeakable suffering in my short, beautiful life.

breakfast arriving three minutes late.

a blanket that wasn't properly preheated.

being told i'd already had a treat when clearly that treat was from an entirely different emotional era.

and now this.

my own family has joined forces with the veterinary establishment to destroy everything i hold dear.

i fear i shall not survive the journey from the couch to the kitchen.

should i collapse after seven steps? please do not weep. remember me as i was: majestic, round, and magnificently snack-motivated.

tell my blankets i loved them.

tell my heating pad it was my greatest romance.

tell the cheese drawer that every moment we shared was real.

and tell the squirrels. they have won.

i shall now retire to my orthopedic throne, where i will stare mournfully into the distance and contemplate the cruel injustice of being an extremely beautiful ween in a world obsessed with waistlines.

please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

unless you have snacks.

then come immediately.

tuesday. a tragedy in seventeen emotional breakdowns, three dramatic sighs, and one medically recommended walk.🐾

phoebe, the fat ween
survivor. victim. misunderstood icon.
currently accepting condolences in the form of cheese. taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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3 days ago

monday.

the audacity. the betrayal. the unmitigated catastrophe.

i was peacefully existing in my blanket kingdom when monday came crashing through the gates like a tax collector riding a flaming rhinoceros.

my dreams? shattered.
my motivation? declared missing.
my will to participate? absolutely not.

i demand a full investigation, three additional sundays, and financial compensation in the form of snacks.

until then, i shall remain dramatically unconscious.

tell the world i fought bravely.🐾 taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

7

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4 days ago

sunday with mister moo.

apparently, the exercise program of doom has returned.

i have filed several complaints, requested additional blankets, and appointed mister moo as my emotional support cow.

he agrees this entire situation is udderly ridiculous.

sunday, i expected rest, relaxation, and absolutely no physical activity.

the audacity. the moo-dacity.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #poweredbydachshunds #mistermoo #dachshundlife #exercisedoom taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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4 days ago

october, you confuse me.

winter one day. floods. famine. forced exercise programs. and we're only ten days into this very long month.

and now? apparently, it's summer again.

pick a season, october. i'm a ween, not a meteorologist.

thank you, october. thank you, saturday.

if you need me, i'll be outside momentarily.

because apparently my football game starts at 11 a.m.

ELEVEN. IN THE MORNING

really? the nerve. the audacity.

some of us haven't even finished our first nap.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #poweredbydachshunds #saturdayshenanigans #octoberchaos #collegefootball taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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6 days ago

the human calls it friday. i call it pink pajama friday, and frankly, it's a national holiday.

i've slipped into my finest hot-pink sleepwear, canceled all my imaginary meetings, and cleared my schedule for 17 naps and a cheese tasting.

these pajamas aren't just an outfit. they're a lifestyle. a fashion statement. a legally binding agreement that i will not be getting up.

some girls wear pink to make a statement. i wear pink to make absolutely no movement.

and before anyone asks yes, these are my daytime pajamas and my evening pajamas. i'm a busy woman with a very demanding nap schedule.

pretty in pink. professionally horizontal. emotionally unavailable until snacks.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #poweredbydachshunds
#pinkpajamaprincess #friday # napween taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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6 days ago

thursday. the freedom story.

we have no bananas today.

but what we do have is freedom.

the doughnut of doom is gone. the neck is liberated. the ween is victorious.

and how am i celebrating?

by disappearing.

full blanket stealth mode activated.

no eyes. no ears. no responsibilities. just one suspicious snoot in witness protection.

the humans think doughnut freedom means exercise.

how adorable.

i didn't fight for freedom just to participate.

free at last. hidden by choice. available for snacks.

and if anyone asks where i am

you haven't seen me.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #poweredbydachshunds #donutfreedom #blanketstealthmode #wehavenobananas by @minnyzou

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8 days ago

wednesday. three blankets deep.

i heard “good morning.”

bold of you to assume i’m participating.

i have a donut around my neck, one ear has left the conversation, and i am buried beneath three blankets because apparently, i am the only one around here taking comfort seriously.

do i look available?

read the ween.

breakfast may be delivered directly to the blanket fortress.
walkies are currently under review.
exercise has been referred to management.
management is asleep.

please direct all further questions to my ear.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #poweredbydachshunds #readtheween #blanketfortress #dachshundattitude taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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9 days ago

by @minnyzou

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10 days ago

i doughnut want to talk about it. 🍩😑

apparently, yesterday i was an elite wilderness athlete, marching through seven-foot-high grass like i was leading an expedition to the amazon.

today?

i’m wearing a giant blue pastry. because somewhere along the way, i misunderstood one simple sentence.

“don’t lick.”
“don’t like.”
“don’t lick.”
“don’t like.”
“i know. i don’t like it either.”

🫣 my bad.

i fought the lawn.
the lawn won.
now i’m a doughnut.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #powerbydachshunds
#doughnut #mondaymood #weendrama taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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11 days ago

sunday with mister moo 🐮

mister moo and i have discussed today’s agenda.

1. chomp.
2. stare into space.
3. chomp again.
4. take a nap so aggressive it becomes monday.
5. wake up and accuse mister moo of starting something.

he knows what he did. he knows.🐾

#phoebe_dachshund #powerbydachshunds #mistermoo #chompchomp #weenlogic taken in Frozen Tundra by @minnyzou

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12 days ago