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mercy haub

@non__mercy

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digi dump taken in Senior Year by @non__mercy

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7 days ago

Today is the final day of September, which means Blood Cancer and Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month is coming to a close. These past few years, I have highlighted different organizations and ways to get involved, written about my experiences and shared memories, explained misunderstood aspect, spoke to the undiscussed parts of survivorship, and more (just scroll back on @beeba.beats to see).
I have been struggling to decide what to do this year, my fifth summer cancer free, the September after I reached five years in remission. It’s hard to explain how much my own pediatric blood cancer diagnosis still affects me to this day. But I tried, and evidently it was too much for an IG caption, so instead I posted screenshots. I have shared almost all of the photos and videos I am comfortable putting out there publicly in an effort to convey the expanse of my experience and to continue to draw attention towards the demands of the field through novel suffering. I have had people steal my photos and use them to get money to “help them pay for treatment”. I have been given incredible access to large platforms and widespread networks. I have had people comment or message ableist and just mean things. I have been eternally fortunate to receive, along with my family, the fruits of the American healthcare system aka community GoFundMes and MealTrains (which truly kept my family afloat). I have had plenty of people simply come to my page for some “grief tourism”, using my suffering just to feel something. I have connected with and grown close to fellow survivors and patients. Social media is such a double edged sword, but I am so grateful for it, and the space it gives me to share my thoughts and experiences, especially now.
Here’s to many many more Septembers spent reflecting and looking forward to taken in Cancer Free by @non__mercy

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18 days ago

a very fire time at the lake taken in Spokane, Washington by @non__mercy

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a month ago

some summer moments by @non__mercy

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2 months ago

summer summary so far by @non__mercy

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3 months ago

the quarter of practically living in stlc, dirty mirror selfies, the best people, and a whole lot of gratitude taken in Junior Year(: by @non__mercy

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4 months ago

winter has come and gone by @non__mercy

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7 months ago

i have never felt as known or as loved as i did this weekend. to surviving the last five years, and for thriving in spite of them. taken in Five Years by @non__mercy

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7 months ago

Five years. I don’t really know how to begin to comprehend. Hitting five years in remission is the closest you can come to being cured when you have cancer. And that is today. Unreal.
Cancer was not the first “world shattering” for me and my family, and my own diagnosis was certainly not the last. There has been so much to survive, and the gritty reality of living in survival for nearly a decade has taken its toll.
But as I eat dinner with my entire family around me, having flown in, skipped school, designed a weekend around celebration and pure time together, I am left speechless not with sorrow at what has been suffered, not anger at what has been so utterly unfair, but with gratitude for the battalion that has never stopped fighting on my behalf.
I feel more like myself every day, I find joy in ever new places, I get to experience the life I was worried I would never get to see with such thirst for it. I get to laugh until my belly aches alongside people with sunshine souls and courageous hearts. I get to learn and mourn, play and cry, dream and scream, hope and hurt. And I truly do see every next day as a gift, the better face of a flipped coin, the better timeline.
Cancer hurts me every day, and I will never be truly free from its scars. And, I am able to celebrate loudly today, without worry of jinxing or taunting the death I only just avoided. And it feels like the most refreshing kind of joy.
Between this mercy and the one writing this right now, I finished high school, starred in a show, drum majored for an incredible band, started rock climbing, began to write, did cancer research, got into stanford, made incredible new friends, worked at organizations so near to my heart, shadowed oncologists, began to read again, went to my first concert, celebrated becoming an adult, voted for the first time, gone on endless adventures to beautiful places, learned more than i could ever hope, see my siblings turn into the coolest people i know, and love my parents as loudly as they will tolerate. and the small things, the jokes and meals, lawns laid on and songs hummed on a walk, dog cuddles and muffins baked, shone just as bright. i’m so so happy to be here. taken in Seattle Children's Hospital by @non__mercy

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7 months ago

to the world we dream about
and the one we live in now taken in Hadestown by @non__mercy

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7 months ago

dressember 2025 by @non__mercy

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10 months ago

autumn
and i
do not need to be in love
and i
find it so much easier
to hear the quiet.
even the rain hushes,
even the leaves whisper taken in Stanford University by @non__mercy

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10 months ago