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pmj_ournal

@pmj_ournal

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Hello guys,

It’s been a while. I’ve been swamped with school more than I expected. I’m taking organic chemistry 1 and it’s very hectic. I’m trying to understand it but it’s too fast, but I try and I think I’ll be able to survive with a B. That I hope. But everything else seems well, I haven’t had much trouble lately. I am a bit burnt out but I’m healing, recovering somewhat. I’m just hoping to end this semester strong and looking forward to transferring to Chapel hill. I really need to think about my future more but once I get there, I think I’ll finally be able to pursue my career.

I’ve been really looking forward to shadowing and getting my clinical experiences soon. I really enjoy medicine and the human anatomy, like I want to know how humans can be so diverse and unique. And how does the human body heal and so on. It’s just fascinating, especially watching it in sports, I find myself thinking about the capabilities and so on. God really does give us the best.

But yeah, I think things are getting better. It makes me realize that everything really isn’t as bad as it seems. by @pmj_ournal

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23 days ago

I am a flaw to my own self.

I’ve wondered if I ever made any good decisions. Because lately, I’ve made hard decisions. I often always have to reflect and ask myself things like is it too selfish if I choose me, is it going to go well with if I continue this or that, things like that. What good or what bad will come out of it? And if I question myself, how would I know I am correct? This has become my flaw. Overthinking and overextending has brought me many places. Tired, I am one.

Knowing my flaws especially, has made me more responsible and more accountable. But self guilt can kill. When I’ve done wrong, I find myself trying so hard to correct myself many times at once, I end up overburdening myself. Overburdened, I’ve made rash decisions, decisions that lead me astray and choosing comfort over purpose. It nearly made me forget that I have a God who is willing to carry it all with me, for me.

I feel like these past years have been testing my patience and dragging me back right at the moment. There are times I’ve waited on false hopes, false promises, and just for disappointing results. Times where I wait and wait, with people telling me to wait as if I haven’t already. It’s funny, there are people who beg for freedom to do what they want, but I haven’t had the freedom to do what I need. I’m tired of living like this. I want to be independent and I know I can. But I pray why, God, do you have waiting and coming with these results? No, I don’t distrust what God is planning. I just don’t know what Im waiting for now. But that is my faith, and I will continue to receive it and make use of all I have.

Though I’m used to it, used to waiting for nothing or something, but I know I’m not going in circles for God is taking my steps.

There is a saying, the arrow that travels the greatest distance are pulled back the furthest. So, I know I’m in good hands. by @pmj_ournal

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a month ago

I wonder if I can write about this.. I won’t say much in respect to both privacy parties. But I thought I finally had what I wanted, just simple love like how the movies and instagram reels portray it. I’m on the better side of it, not the toxic side of that. Do I know what love even is? I can’t really answer that. But I thought I got what I wanted, it was nice while it lasted. It was a very hard decision for me.

I had to choose between my relationship with God or to be with her. Both felt really good, but I knew the answer and I tried to drag it longer just so I hope time could do its thing, or something good happens. But even time can’t help, and this was harder than basic rejection that I’m often used to. I had to make the choice in the end. It was hard because when the only thing you ever wanted finally felt like coming, and I never had wanted anything more. It’s like having a full inventory, you have only space for 1 and something nice and valuable shows up. But you can only keep one, the other must go. All I wanted was to love and to be loved, to be liked back and I just had it.. but I had to let go. Yes, it does hurt. I can feel it in my heart again. Tears did fall.

Still, I’m thankful that God helped me out of it. I can’t say I’m fine, but I’m in Gods hands and that’s good news.

But honestly,

I begged and I begged, and I prayed and prayed, hoping that something would happen because this was all I ever wanted and I just had it.. I just had it. And I never thought I’d even find myself crying in the gym. I thought I could outlift all my emotions, but it wasn’t the right place.

But of course, I don’t blame anyone, and I know it had to be done. I’m thankful for God’s grace and I’m sure he’ll provide no matter what. But I’m worried, the cage I’ve made to protect myself from hurting again will close, and I won’t feel any safe again. I can’t say I’ve been hurt a lot, but I feel a lot, and I don’t want to go through that again.

Again, I don’t blame anyone. I’m trying to just guard my heart from doing too much. But for now, I’ll take a long break from trying again. I have better things to do after all. And if you’re reading this, thank you for being hones by @pmj_ournal

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2 months ago

Haven’t gotten the time to write. I might actually be just lazy, but I kid you not, I am not and I am trying not to be lazy. I feel more like living in the moment but I have been thinking of what to write, just not able to know when I can.

But a lot has happened, like always, because life can go in many ways. I went camping a few weeks ago and I really liked it, apart from sleeping on the heard bare ground. It was fine. I’m used to it because I always slept on the ground. It’s funny I have a bed but I prefer to sleep on the floor. It can be a good thing like fixing my posture and stuff. Bad thing is, you’re closer to the ground where the bugs crawl and I just had a giant cockroach crawl up my leg last night. I killed it. It had to be done or more will come.

Anyways, the camping trip was very pleasant and I enjoyed the river next to it. I tried fishing and I caught no fish but it’s cool. I like to just sit and watch the river while I wait. I have to get my fishing license soon and start learning how to properly fish so I can take home food to eat. It’s very cheap and good practice. And then I’ll buy my own fishing rod and stuff and spend all my days fishing, catching nothing or something.

Look at this cool rock I found in the river. It reminds me of a pizza or to be cooler, reminds me of a shark tooth. I wish I could’ve found a fossil or gold there and make it rich then I wouldn’t have to worry about a lot of things. But life’s good. And I am already blessed. by @pmj_ournal

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2 months ago

Oh wow, a lot has happened this past week. This entire summer has probably been the best experience for me. I’ve been to multiple conferences and trips, and I had so much fun with my friends. I honestly did want to write all about it but uhhh… I got lazy and didn’t feel like writing. I really need to stay more consistent if I’m gonna look back at this account in the future, maybe 10 years from now. That’s really long, if you think about it and I’m only 19. I wonder how I’ll think of this again.

So basically, I’ve went on, I think, 2-3 conferences, 2-3 beach trips, and other fun stuff. I went to different states and had fun, explored a lot of new places. And realized that I wish I had spent more time there. I really should start going by myself.

That’s my plan, I should start going places by myself. I have an idea or a plan that when I get to chapel hill, when I’m in summer, I want to go somewhere out of state and learn to enjoy my own company. What do you guys think? I think I’ll learn a lot from myself as well, by the grace of God haha. Hopefully, by then, I saved or made enough money to do so. I would like to explore Japan, Thailand, or Brazil. Hawaii as well. Those places are beautiful.

Anyways, I’ll be writing more entries later. I just didn’t know what to write about because I always think I have to add something wise in it, but really, I made this to write and enjoy myself. It’s fun writing and it’s fun thinking about all those memories again as I do. So, I hope you guys stay with me on my small journey. Haha.. it rhymes, should call this series “Journey Journal.” …Or not, sounds corny. by @pmj_ournal

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2 months ago

This post came sooner than I thought. Do you guys remember when I mentioned something about learning in that beach trip? It’s literally the post after this but anyways, it’s been on my mind. Better to let it out than to keep it here. Some things you can’t hold just like some things you can’t control. I was looking forward to this beach trip, not just for fun and to see my friends again, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t come because I wanted to see someone again. There was this girl who is used to talk to, someone who was actually into me and the feelings were mutual but it was a situationship. We were young and not in a good situation to be together. I won’t go into details to respect both our privacies. But seeing her again, I thought maybe we could try again. But at the same time, I didn’t know if I was just desperate, no disrespect to her, it was just me and my overthinking.

I’ve been single for a long time and still single, it felt lonely.. and hearing her come back, gave me hope, so I asked if we could try again and she didn’t mind the idea but it would take a lot of patience and waiting. I didn’t want to like her because she was a possibility, I wanted to like her because it’s her. That was my conflict. But I couldn’t make the final decision now. You have to give things time and so I did. Anyways, we’re even more busy now that we’re adults. But we could take the chance. So, the whole beach trip I wanted to just be with her and talk with her alone.. just to be with her. Again, I would be lying if I didn’t want to hug her and be by her side like before. No, I wasn’t in love with our memories.. ugh.. it’s hard to say. I hope you guys understand what I mean. I’m not trying to be desperate, I was trying to be honest and true for both of us.

Eventually, we talked for a bit. It was short but the important things were said first and I guess that answers everything in my head. I don’t think we would work out. I want something long term, and respectfully, we both aren’t compatible. One of us had to make sacrifices to make it work, and I know I would be the first but in the end, it was not the best move for me. I can positively also add, this was a clear r by @pmj_ournal

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3 months ago

I almost forgot to write again. It’s not mandatory but I feel like I have people to update. Thank you kindly. So, I really want to talk about my recent beach trip with my friends. We went on July 3-5 and it was very fun. The first time we planned it, the wait was so long and I was hoping it came soon and it came. The wait didn’t disappoint and I had so much fun and freedom away from everything like school and home haha. We went to Myrtle beach surfside and it was just as fun. The beach was calm, it wasn’t that hot and the wind was great. I can say because I didn’t get a bad sunburn or I packed a good amount of sunscreen.

I want to go into so much details about the beach and what we did, but it would take so much space already so I’ll just summarize as much as I can. Other than having fun, we were all swimming, dancing, trying new drinks, and staying up like there was no tomorrow. I wished we’d stay longer because there was still so much to do even if I felt so tired. Well, personally for me, I wanted to get a tattoo there and eat seafood boil but no one wanted to go with me. But it’s fine, I’ll go another time and I’ll get my tattoo another time. We did go on the broadway at Myrtle, I think that’s what’s it called, but there were so much stuff and I was busy looking at food haha.. I really had an appetite and with money, I could spend as much as I want to eat and I eat a lot so that might be a financial consideration in the future. Still, I sure ate good.

After that beach trip, I learned a lot of stuff. It wasn’t just fun for me, it was a personal experience where I went through more than I thought but that’s a story for the next journal post and I think some of you might be interested to read.

But yeah, I also have a lot of more trips to plan with my friends to a different friend group. I think I have 3-4 beach trips planned haha. I used to complain about being stuck at home but now I’m a little exhausted, now I have more to go, which I don’t hate but wow.. things do happen and I hope the plans do make it out the group chat. I’ll keep you guys updated. by @pmj_ournal

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3 months ago

I’m back guys, it’s been a while but I think I took a good enough break. I have a lot to tell you and a lot to say, and a lot to think about. Why don’t we start with how these past days were going. It’s actually good. First things first, I’m alive and that’s already good news.

Academically, I’ve taken a summer class for chemistry 2 because I didn’t want to do it later and it’s not my favorite subject but it has to be done. The good news is, I’m doing my best and hopefully I survive with an A thsi time. It’s a stretch but the professor is very helpful and provides us good resources. I’m just not a smart person. Anyways, it’s going well. I really should stop procrastinating because there is always work every day. But I always get it done.

The World Cup is on and I’m excited. I’ve watched all the games I’ve liked and/or interested in. This World Cup is already going crazy. I wouldn’t bet on this, but I did. It’s cool, I made some money. But I’m not doing this again. I’ve found out that my luck and betting never work together.

Anyways, I’ve been doing good. And I’ll keep moving and writing again. Hopefully, I didn’t lose all of you who stayed and waited. Maybe I should write a poem book or.. something. But in the mean time, I’ll start writing again now. by @pmj_ournal

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4 months ago

So I was going to write something but so much has happened and I was lazy haha. But these past days have been well, a good mix of busy, fun, and.. yeah I don’t know what else to say.

Honestly, I’m probably going to take a break from journaling for a while. I feel like I’ve written enough and because my mind goes blank trying to come up with something other than my day and something smart to say, but I will return. I’m just really busy with other things, and I’m trying to prioritize everything to work better.

I’m probably going to explore new things to do that doesn’t have me on my phone for while and I’m trying to cut that. It’s like a little detox, I guess. But everything is well, I’m doing good and keeping it moving. Some days feel slow, some days feel fast, and some days are uhhh.. days. I tried to think of something catchy and wise to say but my brain gave up.

But the plan is to read more! I bought books and I’ve barely read them. I can’t waste my money like that. I’m also trying to get better at things I’ve already started like chess, soccer, scripture reading, and so on. But there’s so much things I want to do and try. But I’ll do it at another time, let me focus on what I already have and have started.

I’ll see you guys in a few days, weeks, maybe months.. but it won’t be long. I always come back. by @pmj_ournal

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6 months ago

Lately, I’ve been happy. I don’t know how to explain it or can I even explain it? I’ve been filled with joy and just hopefulness, and it’s not because of a girl or if I won the lottery. It’s just that I feel really happy, maybe not happy, but just content and hopeful. Haha I sound sad as if I’ve never been happy, but I’ve never been content. And during this time, I find myself more content and whatever happens happens. It’s a a powerful statement, not careless. Maybe I can tell you one thing, to explain this feeling, and it’s spiritual. This feeling is from God.

Sorry, if I sound so religious but this is the only way I can make sense of it all. Can a human be happy forever? I wouldn’t disagree, but it’s definitely not easy. And the only way I see it is that God is providing and just taking good care of me.

But the most prominent cause is company and I am confident and proud to say that God really gave me good friends. I used to feel like a tourist around my friends, I may not fit in, but they make me feel belonged. I was surrounded by a large group of my friends and the vibes was so good and so nice, and the moment I went to class alone, it just felt empty without them. So, I say, surround yourself with good company. And God helped me with that very well. While I was there surrounded with all my friends as we laugh, joke, talk about whatever, I had paused and just took the moment to realize I have such good friends and that God blessed me so I thanked Him. It’s really comforting. It’s really humble. It’s really something good.

I don’t know what more to say, but I guess this journal is written as an appreciation to all my friends. And a moment of gratitude to God again.

Anyways, I’m excited to look forward to the summer! God is good. by @pmj_ournal

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6 months ago

Okay, 3rd post because I reached the word limit for my 2nd post. But read it like you never left the 2nd post haha.

Arrived home, we stopped and took a break before heading to the Lao New Year Festival and it was way more fun than I thought. All because I had a water gun and I just started shooting people. I’m so quick at looking in like I wasn’t the one that shot down. I can’t wait to shoot my friends with my water pistol soon. But yeah, then I went home, rested and then I had to go to play a Sunday league, I was invited to join my friends team. It was fun, good to warm and good to learn. I played against a really good team and it humbled me but it made me want to do better because I want to be as helpful as I can to the team. I will always strive for my best!

And that was my 2 day, 1 night experience with camping and the rest of the day. I am so tired and parched. But I feel accomplished and I feel like I did something good for myself. Thank you, God, for these days good and bad.

By the way, there was a frog in my tent. by @pmj_ournal

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6 months ago

The 2nd day of the camping experience. I kid you not, the sleeping was what made it so uncomfortable and exhausting. Ignore the fact that I came unprepared, so next time I will remind myself to bring an air mattress. Better gear really does enhance your camping experience. I slept on the hard flat ground with tree roots stabbing into me and make every turn uncomfortable and I didn’t bring a pillow. Ughhh I couldn’t even sleep that night but I was so tired. But it’s not really my fault, I was just told to come and I went. I woke up early to fish and gather some wood to heat up breakfast in a can. Eating cans out in the wild makes me feel like I’m living during an apocalypse haha.. I really watch too much movies.

Anyways, I caught 2 fishes! The 2nd time works a charm or whatever they say, but the 2nd day fishes were biting and I caught a catfish and some tilapia I think.. I don’t really know, I didn’t ask for the animal, I asked if we could eat it. But I’m so proud that I finally caught a fish in my own hook, line, and sinker! But I really liked the patience of it, just sitting and looking at the view. I made sure to thank God for what he created for us to look and admire. God is a great artist. But back to the 2nd day, we left early and it was tiring and long walk back to the car on that same long trail haaaa. I lost a lot of weight though so I guess that was good workout.. but it’ll probably come back by tomorrow. by @pmj_ournal

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6 months ago