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Rachel Rayner Coaching

@rachelraynercoaching

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Creator of Burnout Academy
Burnout Coach
Life Coach
Creative Coach
Trauma-Informed
Committed to accessible services

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One of the most useful questions to break limerant and codependent patterns is, "What qualities does this person have that I want for myself?" I have found that often I'm not drawn to the person themselves so much as the person I would become if I had those traits.

Take a look at the people you tend to be drawn to. What traits do they have in common? They say you become who you hang out with. Are you subconsciously trying to become more like them constant contact. Like you can osmosis their traits for yourself or learn how they cultivated it in themselves?

For me, I have done that with people I consider competent at an interest or endeavor we both share. Guess what? Hanging around them didn't make me more competent. It generally made me harder on myself and more neurotic. I became more judgemental toward myself and others.

I realize now that I didn't want to be with them so much as become them in certain aspects. Reframing your attraction in that way can make it far less consuming, allowing you to keep your head on straight, your boundaries firm, and your judgement of character online.

What traits are you attracted to that are actually parts of you begging to be seen and cultivated?

#selfdevelopmenttools #codependency #traumainformedcoach #traumarecovery #attraction by @rachelraynercoaching

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13 days ago

I realized this week that in many areas of my life, I believe that if I make a mistake, I will never be rid of the consequences of it.

That belief didn't come out of nowhere. I learned it through violence when I was a four years old. Then music school solidified it in my psyche through bullying and other forms of social abuse.

If you struggle with perfectionism, it might be time for you to examine if you also learned this (FALSE) lesson. How can you give yourself safe places and situations to make mistakes and fail? If you learned this lesson from other people, then you have to set up situations for you to learn what safety feels like.

Unfortunately, only you can give that to yourself. However, you can get help from other people in this journey! It might be your responsibility, but you don't have to do it alone. Keep following me, and I'll share some of the things that I am doing to overcome it. Or, you can get one-on-one coaching sessions with me to speed the process along!

Keep going, brave soul!

#perfectionismrecovery #lifelessons #traumarecovery #traumainformedcoach #traumasurvivor taken in Salt Lake City, Utah by @rachelraynercoaching

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21 days ago

Dip me in formaldehyde and preserve me because I never hit my stride early in life. I realized the other day that part of why I take such good care of skin is to buy me more time in reaching dreams that are so often only attained by young, beautiful women. It eased the panic that I'm not going fast enough and the grief at the delays my PTSD causes me.

For years, I couldn't do anything music-related due to the trauma and bullying at music school. Now that I am finally able to start practicing, creating, and performing, I feel despair at how far behind my peers it has put me.

I can't describe the pain and comparison I felt watching a girl a decade younger than me who started doing and becoming successful at dreams that were very similar to mine (and then dated my boyfriend) while I was stuck on the sidelines feeling like a Ferrari with the engine brake on. That'll get in your head.

All I can hope is that the life experience I bring to my art will make it so rich that it becomes the very quality that makes it successful. That all this time I was just slow, slow, slow roasting. Or maybe I'm pickled because I'm a bit sour at this point in my life.

#aging #aginggracefully #femalemusician #cptsd #middleage taken in Salt Lake City, Utah by @rachelraynercoaching

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a month ago

The more we try to control our world, the more it rebels against us. I'm in this liminal space right now where I have ended my old way of life and many of my old maladaptive coping mechanisms, but I haven't actually started my new one. Man, that grief is HARD. Many days I ask myself what I was thinking, because the positive changes my actions are bringing my way are still on the distant horizon. I doubt many days that they will ever make it to me.

There is a voice in my head scolding me. There is a voice that echos what a bully once said of me in college: "failure at life." But life is not something you can pass or fail, not something that can be graded at all. You never know how your actions impact the world around, and more importantly, you never know WHICH of your actions will be your most powerful ones.

May you and I surrender some of our need to control our lives so that we can finally begin living it.

Also, I give life coaching sessions, so if you are interested, send me a message!

#lessonslearned #lifelessons #control #failure #lifecoach taken in Salt Lake City, Utah by @rachelraynercoaching

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a month ago

I decided to be vulnerable and record myself dealing with distress as it was happening. I don't have the things I coach other people on figured out, but that's how I learn what it feels like to struggle.

One of my friends told me that I should start sharing more vulnerable experiences and the insights those experiences create. She said people needed it. So, here I am taming that lion in me who is ambitious, prideful, and impatient.

And guess what? I did it. I gave myself a small break and then had fun with music the rest of the night. Not only that, but I later played 12 bar blues solos that were true melodies and sounded good. It felt like I was flying.

How many nights like those did I miss because I didn't know how to soothe myself like I did in the video? Something I have come to realize lately is that everything I want is on the other side of a little distress tolerance.

Distress tolerance. That is what I have been actively working on lately. And a major cause of discomfort for me is being afraid to be vulnerable online. Or maybe just the cringe of acting like an influencer.

As I write this caption I am having to deal with insecurity and perfectionism. It's rambling, too long, terrible for SEO (life coach, vlog, self improvement, self-growth, healing journey), comes off super unprofessional, is turning into a blog post no one asked for.

Oh well. I'll be okay.

#selfsoothing #selfhelptools #selfcompassionjourney #perfectionismrecovery #selfkindness taken in Salt Lake City, Utah by @rachelraynercoaching

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3 months ago

Such a great group at the July Invisible Cages Workshop. It was fascinating hearing their stories, what patterns they found themselves caught in and being privileged to witness their vulnerability.

I learned so much from them about the power of sitting back and avoiding over-teaching. One of the cages is called the competence cage, and I find myself trapped in it often. That shows up for me by over-teaching, because I fear that if I don't give people all the information I know all at once, it won't be valuable for them. I won't be valuable.

The Competence Cage also feeds perfectionism when paired with the Scarcity Cage. It says, "I only get one shot at this, so it has to be excellent." This is a lie. I can try again. I can fail and learn, and nothing disastrous will happen, despite what my internal beliefs tell me.

How does the Competence Cage show up in your life?

#perfectionism #scarcity #personalgrowthanddevelopment #traumahealingjourney #limitingbeliefs taken in Salt Lake City Public Library by @rachelraynercoaching

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3 months ago

What would you do if you weren't held captive by limiting patterns? Who would you be if you weren't trying to please everyone? In this FREE workshop, you will learn to identify the invisible cages keeping you trapped and build doorways leading you into the life you want.

When: Tuesday, July 7, 2026 6-7 pm
Where: Ballpark Library Lab,
1406 W Temple, Salt Lake City, UT taken in Salt Lake City, Utah by @rachelraynercoaching

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4 months ago

For years, I thought I was either lazy or not trying hard enough.

Those were the only two options.

What nobody understood was how much energy I was spending just trying to make work feel safe enough to begin. Sometimes I felt like I had run a marathon just to get to the starting line everyone else was using.

Burnout can make effort invisible. When effort becomes invisible, dark thoughts creep in and then become beliefs. Worse, those beliefs get solidified by the people in your life who were supposed to have your back no matter what.

They mean so well when they give you advice, but they don't know the full story of what you struggle with. They don't see the hours you spend regulating your nervous system, managing overwhelm, recovering from exhaustion, and trying to ration your hope.

So, their well-meaning advice ends up being the opposite of what you actually need to do.

I'm curious:

Have you ever been called lazy when you were actually exhausted?

If you've ever wondered, "Am I burned out, or am I just lazy?" comment "Burnout" and I'll send you information about Burnout Academy. Worn stationary with typewriter text saying: "Everyone told me I was lazy because my work
and my struggles were invisible." by @rachelraynercoaching

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5 months ago

Have you ever wondered how a parent seems to be able to do incredibly difficult or tedious work with less internal turmoil than many childless people? It's because they are doing work in order to support people they love offers greater meaning-making, which is key to resilience.

However, you don't need to have kids to get some of these benefits (which means you can avoid some of the sleepless nights.) Try posting pictures of your younger self around your house and remember that you are actually caring for that little child who lives inside of you. This is an especially great exercise for trauma survivors, as it allows you to advocate and care for yourself in ways you might not have gotten growing up (regardless of how wonderful your parents might have been.)

#traumainformed #innerchildwork #motivationmindset #selflovetips #resiliencejourney taken in Salt Lake City, Utah by @rachelraynercoaching

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5 months ago

One of my greatest challenges in my self growth journey is learning patience as I wait for my hard work to pay off. I start wondering if all the work I have done is a waste of time, because I haven't seen anything come of it yet. However, I'm finally entering the era where I am starting to see the positive results come back.

No effort is wasted, even if only because of the skills you must learn in order to do the process.

What efforts are you waiting to see results from? What if you have have already started seeing them, but you just don't realize it yet?

#dedicationpaysoff #buildingdreams #fundamentals #selfgrowth🌱 #lifelessonslearned taken in City Creek Canyon by @rachelraynercoaching

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6 months ago

You have to be willing to have a bad reputation before you can have a good one. I stole this principle from the quote "You have to be willing to die before you can begin to live." (Let me know who to credit this to.)

What does that mean for us? It means that we activate our freeze and/or fawn response when we are so afraid of being received badly or looking stupid. (Btw, I mistyped that as "stupid.") By doing that, we stop doing and saying what other people actually need us to. Even if what you do is legitimately "stupid," someone needs to be brave enough to make the mistake so that we can have a discussion around it.

So I want you to tell me in the comments what you would do if you weren't afraid anymore. Would you post more? Speak more, write more, go to the gym, or dance? What do you fantasize about when you go on walks or drives and let your mind drift?

#reputation #bebrave #speakout #doitscared #perfectionist taken in Salt Lake City, Utah by @rachelraynercoaching

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6 months ago

Manifesting, mindfulness, and other neuroscience-backed self improvement practices are not the right tools in every situation. When you are in crisis, crisis intervention services should be your main goal. Viktor Frankl warned of a psychological phenomenon called "The Delusion of Reprieve," which is a form of denial about ones by @rachelraynercoaching

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6 months ago