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Tanya Hubbard-Registered Counsellor

@rest.your.heart.here

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This isn’t therapy. And therapy is political. 🍉🏳️‍⚧️🌈
Therapist/Somatic Experiencing
🌸 childless support
🌿see website for other counselling offerings

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This reel contains only some details of my own experience but there are so many that are missing. It is a complex journey full of nuance and details that are unique for each person.

As a therapist I sit across from people daily who wanted children and won’t have them for a variety of reasons.

A common thing we have to unpack is a sense of shame for giving up and the negative connotation associated with quitting.

There is fear of judgement, fear they made the wrong choices, fear people will believe they didn’t try hard enough or want it badly enough.

A society firmly entrenched in the bootstrap myth, one that says anyone can overcome anything if they work hard enough, perpetuates the inaccuracy. There are social systems, biology, family history, trauma, and numerous other reasons people must let go of that dream.

Mental health, aging out, not having a partner, ethics and values, lack of resources, not being selected as a an adoptive parent, unwillingness to partake in assisted reproduction are just a few.

If you fall into this category of being childless not by choice, you may have quit trying, quit dreaming of parenthood. That does not make you a quitter. Not in the derogatory sense. What if instead you are someone who is able to pivot, to assess a situation and determine what isn’t working, and be open to new possibilities. In that case, yes, I’m a quitter. 💖 by @rest.your.heart.here

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a year ago

Although I have shared numerous posts about Gaza I have not created any content myself. I have spent months listening and learning and trying to figure out what I could possibly add beyond amplifying the messages of those who know far more than I do and those who are living it.
I hope you’ll take the time to consider the following.

The genocide in Gaza is making our childless not by choice community grow.
Our sisters that survive will be facing childlessness in devastatingly large numbers.

The dozens if not hundreds of reasons we find ourselves childless not by choice are happening exponentially in Gaza.

💔People are becoming widowed and will not get to conceive with the loves of their life.
💔Miscarriages are happening at an alarming rate.
💔Babies and children are dying.
💔IVF has obviously stopped.
💔Illnesses of reproductive systems are going unaddressed.
💔Basic healthcare is impossible.
💔How does someone find their life partner in these conditions?
💔This is an entire population with trauma.

We don’t know the long term effects on the fertility of Palestinians that have experienced trauma, white phosphorus, starvation, malnutrition, disease, and consuming polluted water.

I think it is fair to believe far too many Palestinian women are joining us in this place of childlessness not by choice.

This International women’s day,
Please don’t forget the women of Palestine.
Call, email, boycott, protest.

#internationalwomensday #childlessbycircumstance #childlessnotbychoice #childlesswoman #miscarriageawareness #babyloss #infertility #infertilityawareness by @rest.your.heart.here

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3 years ago

Experiencing #PregnancyLoss and then navigating life without children permanently is almost completely missing from the baby loss discourse.

❓Why isn't it getting space?
❓Why aren't our experiences being talked about more widely?
❓Why are our stories so uncomfortable for others to hear that major platforms, AND EVEN baby loss organisations aren't talking about what happens when there is no baby at the end?

↪️ I've been pushing for this narrative to be seen and heard for years! i'm so pleased to be joined by Tanya and Carrie. We'll explore this often overlooked reality and open up the much-needed #babyloss conversation.

⭐⭐Join us for this FREE webinar

🔗 Click the link in my bio to register, see more about our panelilsts and what we'll be discussing.

#childless #stillborn #miscarriage Showing three people's faces for a Webinar about pregnancy loss and becoming permanently childless by @rest.your.heart.here

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2 months ago

Have you felt this too? Our next round of Cultivate & Flourish starts on August 12. Enrollment is now open and there are just 3 spots left for this cohort.

You can find all the details on my bio link. 🌱 by @rest.your.heart.here

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3 months ago

I use “wrong” in quotations because the large majority of the time when someone is blaming themselves it is not something they did wrong, it is just their path.

Maybe you delayed trying.
Maybe you didn’t add all the bells and whistles to your IVF cycle
Maybe you drank, touched a receipt, wore perfume, didn’t have sex every time you ovulated.
Maybe you tried to adopt and you were unable to and you have made that mean you did something wrong.
Maybe you didn’t ever actually try to conceive.
Maybe you feel karmically you are being punished for something unrelated.

There is a long list of things that may feel like you didn’t get it quite right. Sometimes that is filled with regret or shame. This sense that if only I did it differently the outcome would be different. It can be a barrier to you giving yourself compassion and believing you deserve it from others.

I don’t care why you are here. You deserve to be met with the opportunity to grieve the life you didn’t get. Whether you genuinely made some mistakes that impacted your opportunity to become a parent or it is some absurd thing you’ve clung to as an explanation, your grief is still valid.

I hope you can find some self compassion and realize you didn’t do anything to deserve the loss of this dream.

I am currently accepting new clients. If you’d like to explore things like this further, please feel free to reach out to me. Links in bio.

#childlessnotbychoice
#infertility
#involuntarychildlessness
#childlessafterinfertility
#childlessbycircumstance by @rest.your.heart.here

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3 months ago

Announcing Cultivate &
Flourish beginning August 12th. A 12 week coaching program I created with Katy from @childlesscollective for those who are childless not by choice and have moved through the heavy grief and are now wondering what’s next? Who am I becoming? What do I want life to look like moving forward? What else do I even care about?

Please share with someone you think might want to join us.

Feel free to send me a DM or email if you want to ask a question privately.
find more info in my bio link or at https://childlesscollective.com/cultivate by @rest.your.heart.here

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4 months ago

When we arrive at being permanently childless we have often encountered other moments of grief that didn’t fully get processed. So while we are grieving the dream of becoming a parent, we are also dealing with the build-up of grief that has accumulated prior to this moment.

Compound grief or cumulative grief is when we face consecutive losses without the opportunity to fully grieve them.

Some of the common ones that occur within the childless community are health diagnoses, financial loss, infidelity, break-ups, miscarriage/stillbirth/TFMR, failed IVF cycles.

An example may be someone who has been trying to conceive and faces failed treatment after failed treatment and never really addresses the loss of those individual attempts. It isn’t until they leave the process without a baby that it all hits them and impacts their overall well being in a new and often more severe way.

It can feel like a tidal wave of grief hitting you all at once.

Know that each of your losses, however big or small, deserve some attention and to be grieved. No one else can decide what level of impact a loss should have. One person may find a failed transfer insignificant while another may need to mourn it as much as any other loss.

This can also happen within an individual’s experience. For example someone who has had multiple miscarriages may find that one may stand out as a more significant loss than the others. It is important that you don’t meet this with any judgment.

As always there isn’t a right way to grieve, and any grief you have is valid.

The list in the image and my caption are not exhaustive. If there are losses that contributed to your cumulative grief in childlessness that haven’t been included that you’d like to add, please feel free to share in the comments. by @rest.your.heart.here

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4 months ago

There are so many ways that shame shows up for those who are childless not by choice and one of the ways we loosen its grip on us is by talking about these things. The trouble is, it’s very difficult to talk about it in spaces that exacerbate it. That’s why it’s so important to find people and places that understand what it is like to be permanently childless.

We can pull from the other places we may occupy: infertility spaces, single spaces, childfree spaces, but until we have the opportunity to talk about what it’s like to not have children when you wanted them with people who truly understand the nuance, we can feel pretty isolated.

🌱That’s why we created our 12 week coaching program. It’s a space to explore with two facilitators and 8 other people that know this particular intersection of identity, and all the challenges it comes with.
✨We start Cultivate & Flourish again Aug 12-October 28th. Wednesdays for 12 weeks at 7pm -8:30pm EASTERN.
🌻Find out more at www.childlesscollective.com/cultivate or at link in my bio by @rest.your.heart.here

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4 months ago

Ignore the day if you need to. Hide. Escape. Do whatever feels ok.

Or feel the hard feelings if you are ready and able.

It can be taboo to talk about the difficult relationship with your own mother. For childless not by choice people often it isn’t as simple as not getting to be a mother.

It is not being seen and understood and this day can put a magnifying glass on that piece of pain. It reminds them that they are not seen and understood by the one person they need it from most.

Some people are navigating the mother that didn’t show up for them at various points in their life. The one that doesn’t recognize their pain as a childless person. That just expects you put aside your grief and make this day completely about them.

I know many of you struggle to honour your own mom who has failed to mother you in the ways you needed, and in the ways you would have shown up for your own child.

If you don’t get to be a mom and wanted to, there will be so many things showing up for you. That’s normal.
Sending you so much care today and every day.

#mothersday #childless #childlessnotbychoice #childfreeafterinfertility #childlessbycircumstance by @rest.your.heart.here

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5 months ago

Infertility doesn’t begin at a diagnosis. Often there are years of challenge leading up to it. Some move through the painful process of interventions, waiting, failures, losses and so on that can feel like we are in a tornado where we don’t know which way is up.

It takes over our lives.

People talk about getting to the other side of infertility when they finally bring home their baby.
Those of us who step away from it without a baby have also made it to the other side. It just looks different.

We didn’t get the prize we tried so hard for but we made it! We are here, many areas of life no longer in tact, forever changed. But we also are on the other side. And instead of now learning how to parent, we are putting ourselves back together and finding what it looks like to be on the other side.

Years ago there were only a few voices speaking about this path.
Now there are many incredible humans making a difference and thankfully @resolveorg has highlighted several, bringing more awareness to the fact that not all infertility stories end with a baby. This helps remove shame and stigma and increase a sense of belonging. I believe it will save lives, relationships, mental health, and the financial wellbeing of many.

Not having kids after infertility is a valid path that can lead to a fulfilling life, we just require a different kind of support on the other side. by @rest.your.heart.here

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6 months ago

“Know your limit, play within it”
Is a slogan used to encourage gambling while discouraging excessive gambling that can cause harm and ruin lives. At its core they are offering education for healthy playing habits and acknowledging the randomness of a win and that skill is rarely a factor.

I was thinking about this as it relates to becoming a parent through IVF, surrogacy, and adoption and how we are encouraged to never give up, to continue at all cost. Imagine how unethical that would be in any other circumstance!

It is as if the “giving up” is the problem in the context of pursuit of parenthood but in other circumstances it would be seen as measured, wise and healthy if proceeding would severely impact your finances, relationships, and physical or mental health. The reality is for many people it is a gamble that has an unknown outcome that costs people immensely. Stopping in any other context would be applauded as healthy and responsible.

If you let go of the pursuit of parenthood at any point, whether you never got to try or you tried all sorts of things, I applaud you because there is rarely any encouragement to do what is best for you. Instead there is stigma you have to deal with while also navigating grief. That stigma can impede the grieving process because one of the most helpful components of grieving is to be witnessed and understood.

✨we discuss things like this in Cultivate &Flourish, our group coaching program I have created with Katy from @childlesscollective . If you have moved past the early stages of grief and have accepted you are not having children but want to explore what’s next with others that have walked a similar path, we’d love to have you starting April 8th. More in link in bio or at https://childlesscollective.com/cultivate by @rest.your.heart.here

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7 months ago

Sometimes I send clients off with homework to take solo dates. The reasoning varies depending on the person. Here are some reasons why solo dates matter:

Interacting with strangers builds a part of you that doesn’t get to come forward when you are with friends.

Deciding what you want to do and where you want to go entirely on your inner desire builds a muscle. It helps you gain insight into who you are. This is especially true for people pleasers who may be “easy going” and defer to others to make choices.

It signals to a part of you that you are worthy of time and attention and don’t have to wait for someone else to decide that is true.

It builds self esteem. Some people are uncomfortable doing things alone but by adding an excursion that is pleasant we can slowly build trust that we are ok out in the world.

It fills your cup and prevents feeling like life is a series of obligations and tasks that can lead to burnout.

It gives you the experience of prioritizing yourself. Whether you are caring for people or pets, or working a lot, managing your health, checking the boxes of obligations, or just trying to stay on top of your laundry, you deserve to do something that takes care of you.

I’d love to hear what your favourite solo date is or what it would be if you took the time? ⬇️

#burnout
#counselling
#selfcare
#mentalhealth
#solodate by @rest.your.heart.here

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7 months ago