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Amy Richards {SquarePeg Pod}

@squarepeg.community

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Late identified #actuallyautistic queer woman. 🌈 ♾ Founder of the SquarePeg Podcast, my guests and I share our experiences of autistic life. Listen ⬇️

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What can you add to this list?⁣
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I've often thought that being perceived as 'high functioning' is a kind of double-bind for autistic people. ⁣
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We are assumed to be very capable and have our shit together (and in some ways this may be true) but it means that no allowances are made for our autistic traits, our limitations or our low functioning days. ⁣
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As a teacher I used to take a duvet day on the very worst days, when I knew I didn't have the ability to function well enough to do my job.⁣
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Things the 'high functioning' label doesn't take into account...⁣
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The strain and stress of masking autistic traits. ⁣
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The fact that our functioning levels fluctuate from day to day.⁣
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The daily challenge of navigating the world as an adult when you have a processing delay, acute sensory sensitivity and and inability to pick up on social cues. ⁣
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The inner turmoil experienced during nearly every interaction with another person.⁣
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When you 'look normal' and appear on a good day (or with heavy masking) to be doing fine, the expectation is that you'll be able to continue to be fine every day, and in every situation.⁣
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Having a constant invisible struggle with simple, everyday tasks (like getting ready for work, deciding what to cook for dinner, or walking into a busy staffroom).⁣
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But feeling like you can't ask for accommodations because you know people don't believe you need them.⁣
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Appearing completely fine and 'normal' in public, then having a meltdown at home because your plans were unexpectedly changed.⁣
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Autistic burnout. This is what happened to me after years of masking and trying to live a 'normal' adult life. Being autistic in a neurotypical world is exhausting. Yes, I can work, but I also have a history of leaving jobs - and careers - when burnout hit and I just couldn't cope any more.⁣
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#actuallyautistic #autisticadults #adultingwithautism #highfunctioningautism #functioninglabels #autisticwomen taken in Cardiff by @squarepeg.community

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5 years ago

A lot of people have been talking to me about autistic burnout. ⁣
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It’s happened to me three times, more spectacularly in 2014 when I ended up leaving my teaching career.⁣
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We all seem to describe a similar pattern: we're able to sustain the demands of full time work for a while, but then burnout hits and we shut down and we just can't do it any more.⁣
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We're perfectly capable... until we aren't.⁣
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There seems to be a common pattern of finding work, doing the job for a while (maybe a few years) and then gradually running out of energy, finding it harder, and having to quit. We have multiple jobs and careers. (I kept quitting teaching and then going back, for years.)⁣
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It's partly about the level of masking required...⁣
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...and having to navigate the social aspects of work...⁣
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...while dealing with sensory overload and not being able to control your environment⁣
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But doctors don't seem to have a lot of knowledge or awareness of the issue.⁣
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We get diagnosed with stress, anxiety and depression. And while we might also have these things, I believe that (in my case at least) the root cause can be undiagnosed autism and burnout.⁣
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It probably doesn't help that so many of us go undiagnosed for so long, so we have no idea what's going on.⁣
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I had never heard of autistic burnout until after my third major episode. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time; I felt like a failure.⁣
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But we're not failing. We're not having our needs met.⁣
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Once I went self employed, got diagnosed and started to work out what I needed and how to meet my own needs has changed my life.⁣
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We need more knowledge and support around this issue. ⁣
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What would it look like if autistic people could access support, so we wouldn't end up folding under the pressure, burning out and unable to work at all?⁣
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➡️ What’s your experience around burnout?⁣
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#autisticburnout #burnout #butnoutprevention #actuallyautistic #autisticfemales #autisticadults #autism taken in Cardiff by @squarepeg.community

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5 years ago

Did you find that your early childhood was in some ways happier/easier than your life since?

Image description: a series of cream coloured squares with pink writing that reads:

This might not be true for everyone, but for me many of my autistic traits seemed to become more noticeable and problematic as I got older.⁣
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I was a mostly a happy child, content in my own little world most of the time, happiest when I was sitting alone at my little desk, writing, drawing, and making up stories. ⁣
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No one seemed to think it was odd (in fact I'm sure my parents were glad that I was so good at being quiet and entertaining myself!)⁣
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When we went to other people’s houses I would sit quietly and listen to the adults’ conversation. I liked it because I wasn’t expected to join in, and could just enjoy being an interested observer. ⁣
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For years I think I saw other people’s conversations as a kind of live TV - something to be listened to and enjoyed without the pressure to actually take part.⁣
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Then as puberty hit and I entered my teenage years this happy tranquillity came to an end, as I moved into a stage in life where it suddenly became clear that I was expected to actually take part and talk to people.⁣
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I was horrified. ⁣
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I wanted to remain an silent watcher, absorbing all the interesting talk to replay in my mind later and wonder over.⁣
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So I went through a stage (for a good few years) of not wanting to go places, partly because I felt that no one would want me around when I never knew what to say, and partly because of how stressful I suddenly found being around people.⁣
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Over the years I learned to mask and perform a little better socially, but it's never come easily to me. ⁣
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And now I realise that that's okay. ⁣
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I'm allowed to live my life the way I want to and need to. ⁣
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In fact, my life has now come full circle, and once again I'm spending my days mostly alone at my desk, writing, creating, happily absorbed in solitary tasks.⁣
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🌿 Share in the comments if your experience has been similar.⁣

#actuallyautistic #autisticchildren #autisticadults #autisticwomen #autism #aspergers #autismlife #autie #adultautism #autismstories #autismjourney #autistic by @squarepeg.community

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5 years ago

My guest on SquarePeg this week is Victoria Gray, an artist and a coach to neurodivergent artists from York.

I think this episode is really special, and it includes a beautiful tribute to Victoria's late brother, and how his story is important for all of us.

Victoria has spent two decades making and performing solo performance works. She trained in Ballet and Contemporary Dance, but after a back injury meant she had to pivot her career, she moved into higher education teaching. Then after years in university roles, she had to resign after experiencing multiple repeated burnouts.

Since 2014 she has worked as a freelance lecturer, artist, and coach. Burnout struck again in 2017 and 2020, both times requiring crisis team intervention.

Since her autism diagnosis, Victoria's artistic practice has been informed by her acute sensory experiences. She’s especially interested in exploring the sensory differences that autistic and otherwise neurodivergent people experience.

You can listen to my conversation with Victoria wherever you get your podcasts.

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney #latediagnosedautistic #autistic An image on a yellow background of Victoria Gray, a white woman in her 40s with short dark hair framing her face and brown eyes, wearing a blue strappy top and smiling slightly at the camera. Text reads: "From the inside out: autistic embodiment, burnouts and breakthroughs" - with Victoria Gray. Squarepeg podcast episode 159. by @squarepeg.community

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2 months ago

"I do find the working environment really challenging. I've heard it said that if you're autistic, it's like you've got two jobs: managing being autistic, and your paid job.
It's absolutely true. My diary is so stacked, I don't have time to think, so I do all my thinking about work at the weekend. I feel like my professional life has got smaller and smaller, as I've worked harder and harder to make it work."

In our conversation Lucy Hogg shares her journey to recognising she is autistic after years of being unwell, unseen, and disbelieved. She talks about growing up as an identical twin, challenges getting through student life, and how hindsight has reshaped her understanding of those years. Lucy also reflects on working in the charity sector, the toll of work and burnout, and the midlife crossroads of trying to build a future that honours her instincts, creativity, and need for rest.

You can listen to my conversation with Lucy Hogg wherever you get your podcasts.

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney #latediagnosedautistic #autistic "I do find the working environment really challenging. I've heard it said that if you're autistic, it's like you've got two jobs: managing being autistic, and your paid job. It's absolutely true. My diary is so stacked, I don't have time to think, so I do all my thinking about work at the weekend. I feel like my professional life has got smaller and smaller, as I've worked harder and harder to make it work." Lucy Hogg. Squarepeg podcast episode 158 by @squarepeg.community

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2 months ago

This week I had a lovely chat with Lucy Hogg @lucyjchogg , who was formally recognised as autistic in 2018.

Lucy describes her life as ‘messy’, impacted by PTSD from an accident and years of trying to convince therapists that she is autistic, as well as lifelong struggles with not feeling heard or seen, and difficulty making herself understood at work.

In our conversation Lucy shares her journey to recognising she is autistic after years of being unwell, unseen, and disbelieved. She talks about growing up as an identical twin, challenges getting through student life, and how hindsight has reshaped her understanding of those years. Lucy also reflects on working in the charity sector, the toll of work and burnout, and the midlife crossroads of trying to build a future that honours her instincts, creativity, and need for rest.

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney #latediagnosedautistic #autistic An image on a yellow background of Lucy Hogg, a white woman in her 50s with a long pale blonde fringe framing her face, black glasses and a navy top, smiling at the camera . Text reads: "Listening to myself at last: autistic midlife, grief and new beginnings" - with Lucy Hogg. Squarepeg podcast episode 158 by @squarepeg.community

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3 months ago

Have you listened to Carolyn Kiel's epsiode yet? Carolyn is a fellow podcaster, sharing her journey from shy introvert to podcasting - and how it led to her late diagnosis of autism.

"My identities and personal labels growing up were always ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’. In a group of people, it's just been so hard for me to understand where to jump in. [I started podcasting] to have a creative outlet [and] see if I can practice talking to strangers. Am I brave enough to just reach out to people? Because sometimes it's hard for me to keep that conversation going beyond the initial small talk."

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney #latediagnosedautistic #autismpodcast "My identities and personal labels growing up were always ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’. In a group of people, it's just been so hard for me to understand where to jump in. [I started podcasting] to have a creative outlet [and] see if I can practice talking to strangers. Am I brave enough to just reach out to people? Because sometimes it's hard for me to keep that conversation going beyond the initial small talk." Carolyn Kiel, Squarepeg podcast episode 157 by @squarepeg.community

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3 months ago

This was a really fun one to record! I got to talk to another autistic podcaster, Carolyn Kiel of Beyond 6 Seconds @beyond6seconds , a multi-award-winning neurodiversity podcast.

Carolyn started podcasting in 2018 shifting the focus to neurodiversity in 2022, after receiving an autism diagnosis in her mid-40s.

In our conversation Carolyn shares her journey from shy introvert to being a podcaster - and how podcasting led to her late diagnosis of autism.

She talks about social anxiety, hyperlexia, coordination and sensory challenges, navigating change, developing self-acceptance, and the role of creativity, strength training, and therapy in caring for her autistic self.

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney #latediagnosedautistic #autismpodcast An image on a yellow background of Carolyn Kiel, a white woman with long dark blonde hair swept back from her face and brown eyes, wears a patterned pink and purple blouse and a pair of headphones. She is smiling at the camera and has a microphone in front of her. Text reads: "Talking to strangers: podcasting my way into a late autism discovery" - with Carolyn Kiel. Squarepeg podcast episode 157 by @squarepeg.community

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3 months ago

The response to Abs Lee's episode has been incredible! So many of you letting me know how relatable her story is and how much you enjoyed our conversation. So if you haven't listened yet, get on it! 😉

Abs says:

"I feel like I've been this long-term failure. I would love to move into being proud of myself and what I do contribute to the world. I would love to ditch that paradigm of ‘I should be in full-time work and doing something impressive’. I'm just managing health things, supporting my son and my mum, doing bits of work to keep the wolf from the door."

Abs Lee is a carer, gardener and cleaner from Suffolk in the UK.S She has moved between multiple jobs throughout her life so far, full of potential but often finding it difficult to stay in roles due to sensory issues and lack of support. Now self employed, working part time due to health issues and caring responsibilities, Abs says that her life “has been shaped by persistence, lived experience and learning how to stay.”

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney
#latediagnosedautistic "I feel like I've been this long-term failure. I would love to move into being proud of myself and what I do contribute to the world. I would love to ditch that paradigm of ‘I should be in full-time work and doing something impressive’. I'm just managing health things, supporting my son and my mum, doing bits of work to keep the wolf from the door." Abs Lee, Squarepeg podcast episode 156 by @squarepeg.community

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3 months ago

My guest on the podcast this week is Abs Lee, a carer, gardener and cleaner from Suffolk in the UK.

Abs has moved between multiple jobs throughout her life so far, full of potential but often finding it difficult to stay in roles due to sensory issues and lack of the right support. Now self employed, working part time due to health issues and caring responsibilities, Abs says that her life “has been shaped by persistence, lived experience and learning how to stay.”

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney
#latediagnosedautistic An image on a yellow background of Abs Lee, a white woman in her 50s with short blonde hair, wearing headphones and a bright blue top, smiling slightly at the camera. Text reads: "156 [S11 E11] Coming home to myself: feeling ‘good enough’, unmasking and moving towards self love" - Abs Lee, Squarepeg podcast episode 156 by @squarepeg.community

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3 months ago

"I started reading about personality disorder and massively identifying with PD presentations and traits, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And this was after all of the autism realisation. I thought I was sorted, and then all of this stuff dredged up, and I was like, 'okay, this is really blooming complicated.'"

My guest this week is Toni Borneo @autistic_at_40 , sharing her experiences and knowledge of developmental trauma and personality disorder in autistic people – something that is heavily stigmatised and misunderstood in the autistic community – and the things that are helping her heal.

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney #personalityadaptation #npdawareness
#latediagnosedautistic "I started reading about personality disorder and massively identifying with PD presentations and traits, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And this was after all of the autism realisation. I thought I was sorted, and then all of this stuff dredged up, and I was like, 'okay, this is really blooming complicated.'" Toni Borneo, Squarepeg podcast episode 155 by @squarepeg.community

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3 months ago

My guest on the podcast this week is Toni Borneo, @autistic_at_40 , who was formally recognised as autistic aged 42 – something that has 'saved and completely changed' her life. For her, the process of unmasking uncovered complex, long term mental and emotional health issues. And more recently she realised that she has developmental trauma that has led to her having a personality disorder.

In our conversation Toni shares her experiences and knowledge of developmental trauma and personality disorder in autistic people – something that is heavily stigmatised and misunderstood in the autistic community, and that she suspects is actually very common – and the things that are helping her heal.

~ Link to listen in my bio ~

Image descriptions in alt text

#autisticwomen #autismjourney #personalityadaptation
#latediagnosedautistic An image on a yellow background of Toni Borneo, a white woman with shoulder length fair hair and blue eyes, wearing a pink zipped top and a pale blue and pink patterned scarf, smiling slightly at the camera. Text reads: "Unravelling: masking, personality adaptation and meeting my real self" - Toni Borneo, Squarepeg podcast episode 155 by @squarepeg.community

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3 months ago