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Kris Keys

@kkeys147

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Well it all started when...
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And now here we are.
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We’re off to a very cozy, snowy start to 2026 in the Keys household
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Day Five, Continued: Sorry for the delay, guys! Unfortunately, the person in charge of Kris’s trip updates (me) suffered a small setback towards the end of this week (my generally well-established short attention span coupled with a bit of sleep deprivation at the end of tax season) and fell a bit behind with the daily updates. To follow up from where we left off yesterday, Kris completed the first leg of his journey in Baltimore where I-70 rather unceremoniously and abruptly ends in a glorified parking lot/loop. Kris hopped out of the car for a quick obligatory selfie and then got immediately started on the westbound leg of the trip. He said the drive through Pennsylvania and Maryland was absolutely beautiful but also stressful and tiring and described the road as “like going over Vail pass for 3 and a half hours straight and half the cars are going 80 miles an hour and half the cars are going 40 miles an hour and no one here turns their headlights on when it starts to get dark”. We’re learning so much about our brothers and sisters to the northeast during Kris’s trip! Kris pushed west until New Stanton, PA before stopping for the night and when I finally had a chance to talk to him he sounded just about as tired as I’ve heard him sound during this trip so far. The rest of the trip back west should be easier and soon Kris will be back on home turf. He grew up driving back and forth between Illinois and Colorado on I-70 so the stretch east of Indiana was the only unfamiliar territory. If things continue to go according to plan, Kris thinks that he’ll be back home at some point on Sunday. Stay tuned!
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Day Five, Part One: The Eastbound stretch is complete!!
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Day Four: Now that we’re living in the era of The Life Of A Showgirl, I know we’re all collectively sick and tired of talking about wood. But I couldn’t just let Kris’s hotel room go unaddressed… After awakening in a Palace Of Pine, Kris spent a bit of time in his home town before heading to Terre Haute to stop by the head shop that he used to visit as a teenager. He thinks there’s a good chance that the woman who was working there today is the same woman who worked there back then and he’s SURE that the beaded curtains in the black light poster room are the same ones. It sounds like the rest of Indiana was uneventful (“whole lotta corn” was the only commentary I got) and then it was on to Ohio (“this state smells like burning garbage” was the only commentary I got). Please stay tuned for Kris’s yet-to-be-published travel guide. It’s going to be riveting. Since he’s completed his full listen of The Cure’s catalogue, Groovie Ghoulies was next on the docket and I believe that today’s drive was the perfect length to listen to their entire catalogue, too. Kris’s goal for tomorrow is (drum roll, please) completing the east-bound stretch of his drive! His plan is to reach Baltimore and then turn right back around and head back west. Francesca has been bolstered by this good news and has somehow found the strength to carry on. #i70runaround
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Day Three: In case anyone was still having doubts about a) how Kris is managing out there in the world on his own and b) what a great job I’m doing micromanaging this trip from home- I did finally talk Kris into going to the Dwight D. Eisenhower Presidential Library in Abilene this morning! What I didn’t do at all even a little bit was remember that a presidential library is a federal government building and our federal government is not currently, how do you say… functioning. So the library was closed. Whoops. You know what’s NOT a federal building? The World’s Largest Belt Buckle! Morning salvaged! Kris was aiming for somewhere in the neighborhood of Effingham-Terre Haute for his drive today and he finished up his listen through of the entire catalogue of The Cure right as he was getting to Marshall so he figured that was a good place to stop for the night. Today’s drive took him the rest of the way through Kansas, across the entire state of Missouri, past the St. Louis Arch, and over the Mississippi River. Tomorrow he’ll detour off of I-70 just a bit to spend the morning in his hometown of Paris, IL. We’re currently taking bets on how many minutes after entering town it will be before someone recognizes him. Apparently if he goes into the local Walmart then all bets are off. In news from the home front, Francesca has now perished from abandonment and a complete lack of love and affection. #i70runaround
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Day Two/Take Two! After a bonus day at home (and confirmation that he’s not dying at an accelerated rate), Kris was back on the road! Two miles into his drive this morning, Helen took a rock to the windshield and got a nice big chip. Helen is the name of the car, by the way. I feel like you probably could have figured that out with context clues but 🤷‍♀️ “I’ve been meaning to get a new windshield anyway!” says Kris. “I think this trip is slightly cursed and specifically designed to test my nerves and control freak tendencies!” says Shelby. Kris made it to Abilene, Kansas today and drove through basically all 4 seasons along the way. This portion of the drive took him through Glenwood Canyon and over the Continental Divide. He’s still working his way through The Cure’s catalogue and is up to the year 1992. Neither one of us knew anything about Abilene and a quick Google search revealed that Kris is a 5 minute drive from both the Dwight D. Eisenhower Presidential Library AND The World’s Largest Belt Buckle. Google told us about the belt buckle first. I begged Kris to get pictures of both of them tomorrow before he leaves town and from 900 miles away I could hear him sigh and feel him wonder how I’m managing to control the itinerary of a trip I wasn’t invited on. Again, 🤷‍♀️. Tomorrow’s destination is somewhere in the Effingham-Terre Haute range (probably depending on how long the Belt Buckle side quest takes). #i70runaround
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Day One! Early start from the I-70 headwaters in Cove Fort, Utah. Kris said the weather was perfect and the east-bound playlist has started with The Cure. He’s working through the catalogue in chronological order. Our house is about 5 hours into the drive so Kris swung home for a lunch date on his way through … and that’s where things went a little off the rails. In a callback to my previous post re: Kris going along with most of my dumb ideas- I signed us up for adult rec league kick ball a couple months ago. I managed to pull both my quads a couple games into the season and I’ve been hobbling around like an idiot for a month. But Kris got aggressively body slammed by a runner during our first game of the season and he hasn’t been complaining much but something has felt “off” ever since. And after two days in the car, when he got home this afternoon he was feeling like maybe things had escalated from “off” to “wrong”. So, instead of a lunch date we had an emergency room visit date! We agreed that it was probably better to pop into the hospital where Kris works and just make extra sure everything was okay instead of crossing our fingers and hoping everything was fine and then having his entire body explode in the middle of nowhere in Kansas (two anxious people who love to catastrophize really thrive during medical emergencies, let me tell you). Lots of lab work and a CT scan later, the doctor confirmed that Kris does actually have a mostly healed rib fracture from the kickball incident but nothing more serious and we were discharged and both breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. Also, as a side note, if I had been walking around with a broken rib for the last 6 weeks, it would have become my entire personality. I think Kris is still a bit of a stoic midwestern farmer in his bones. It was late enough when we left the ER that Kris decided to stay home for tonight and hit the road again in the morning. He’s aiming for Hays, Kansas tomorrow which is about 8-9 hours. No one was more excited about this plan than Francesca.
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Today, @kkeys147 started the preliminary leg of what he’s been calling his “I-70 Runaround” and what I’ve been jokingly and affectionately calling his “midlife crisis trip”. For anyone who knows Kris, this trip is obviously not a crisis- he’s been talking about it and planning it for the better part of a decade and there’s a very intense, multi-tab spreadsheet involved. So, starting tomorrow in Cove Fort, Utah, Kris will head east all the way to Baltimore and then back to Cove Fort to complete an end-to-end loop of I-70. It’s certainly not everyone’s (anyone’s?) idea of a good time, but it’s his and goodness knows he’s been supportive of more than one of my weird and probably ill-advised ideas so I told him that I could hold down the fort at home for a while AND handle his social media updates for all of his fans. I’m going to try to keep everyone updated on his daily progress along the way. Don’t worry, the previously mentioned multi-tab spreadsheet will be making appearances. Unfortunately, no one consulted Francesca about this plan and she’s already deeply unhappy about being left alone with the Spare Human. #i70runaround
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More Paramount photos and photos from the GNA show again
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More bits n pieces from the cemetery, tar pits and @gardeningnotarchitecture
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On Saturday we learned that if you want to get stuck in an abysmal pit until you die just go to Los Angeles
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