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International coaching specializing in rock climbing & functional fitness ⚡️ USA Climbing Team 2006-2017, MPH, ACSM CPT, CF-L2
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This may look like another working out video.

It is.

And it isn’t.

This is also what sacred work looks like.

I have struggled with muscle-ups for years. And yes, I know these are not gymnast-level yet. Internet, buttress yourselves in the comment section.

This movement has held a lot for me.

Fear. Dissociation. Anger. Frustration.

And now, grief.

Because I wanted Patrick to see me move like this for so long.

And he never will.

I know what people say. He sees everything you do from heaven.

Maybe.

But that is not the same thing.

I wanted his actual eyes on me. I wanted him standing there. I wanted to turn around after finally doing the thing and see his face.

There is grief in doing new things without the person you wanted to share them with.

Sometimes even the question: why keep moving forward? Why learn new things? Why become someone he will never get to know?

And then I find myself flying through the air beside another warrior woman.

And something moves.

@peakfitcoaching is how I learned to move like this. And being able to do it beside her now is its own kind of medicine.

Not because she makes the grief disappear.

Because there is sacred work in having someone beside you while you build the capacity to carry it.

We move our bodies through fear.
Through anger.
Through grief.
Through whatever life has asked them to hold.

And in moving the body, something inside us gets to move too.

I’m not training to be impressive.

I’m not training to win anything.

I’m training to hold life.

To tend to the vessel that has to carry me through whatever comes next.

This is the medicine.

It doesn’t have to look like bar muscle-ups for everyone.

Most days, it doesn’t for me either.

But this is why I still train.

Not because life is a competition.

Because life is coming.

And I want to be able to meet it.

#grief #healing #widow #movement
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Plot twist: i'm actually your biggest fan. 

@peakfitcoaching 

#thiccboi
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What a weekend! So grateful for a loving community and an amazing teammate, @peakfitcoaching 🔥 3 years ago before I moved to Colorado Springs, I dropped into @crossfit.soco Sunday endurance WOD and Coach Chauncey greeted me with a big smile and genuine positivity. I knew this would be my home. So it’s very special to have a blast competing with her @purplemountain_throwdown ! 🥳 More to come!
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I have spent most of my life becoming a master of movement.

Strength. Capacity. An understanding of how the body adapts, fails, and learns again.

And lately I have found myself drawn to places where I am a beginner.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a gymnast.

I watched the Olympics the way children watch magic. The beam. The bars. The quiet authority of a body moving through space. For a while, I was in it. Training on the beam and the double bars.

Then I had a big fall.

My parents pulled me out of gymnastics after that.

And just like that, gymnastics quietly disappeared.

Yet the body has a way of remembering what it once loved.

There is a quote that says “the master has forgotten more than the beginner has learned.”

What the quote leaves out is that sometimes the master needs the beginner.

Because beginners live at the edge of possibility. 

They wobble.
They fall.
They try things that might not work.

And when we return to that space on purpose, something shifts in the nervous system.

The body learns that it’s safe not to know.

Safe to learn in public.
Safe to fall.
Safe to try again.

For people who have lived through trauma, that matters more than we often realize.

Grief reorganizes the body. Loss contracts the nervous system. The world becomes smaller. More careful.

Curiosity does the opposite.

Curiosity widens the edges of the world again.

And play may be one of the most powerful ways the body remembers safety.

So here I am again, chalk on my hands, learning gymnastics skills in my forties the way I once did as a kid.

Not to prove anything.

Simply because the body remembers what it once loved.

And sometimes healing is nothing more than returning to the things your body loved before the world interrupted them.

Thanks @peakfitcoaching  for getting me back to the beginning.

#Trauma
#grief
#loss
#Healing
#Health
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