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Tanai Milgram | Relationship Coach

@tanaimilgram

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A few months ago I interviewed dozens of women about what happens in those moments when they want to say how they feel, ask for what they want, or set a boundary.

What surprised me was that almost none of them had a problem knowing what they wanted to say.

Most of them already knew.

The problem was what they were afraid would happen if they said it.

That he’d leave.
That he’d get upset.
That they’d hurt him.
That they’d become “the villain.”

And honestly, I get it.

I’ve been there too. Over and over and over again! 😬

What I’ve learned after working with hundreds of women is that most women don’t need better communication skills.

They need a nervous system that feels safe telling the truth.

That’s why I created this free workshop.

If you’ve ever found yourself freezing, overexplaining, people pleasing, softening your needs, or staying quiet when something inside you wanted to speak up…

DM me “WORKSHOP” and I’ll send it over ❤️ by @tanaimilgram

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4 months ago

I’m so tired of men and women blaming each other. It makes me so sad!

I interact with dozens of people who I think complain as a hobby about men or women.

Deep down we’re all just scared and hurt. Deep down all the ways we hurt each other are actually ways we’re protecting ourselves.

So there’s people that are desperate to feel connection and love in their relationships but they’re so busy protecting themselves that they never get it.

Deep down we all just want love.

And it doesn’t mean to be so compassionate and understanding that you keep people around that don’t respect you. (As a recovering approval-seeker from men, I have been there 😬)

What it does mean is that if you can build the courage to drop the defenses and speak your truth… and see the person in front of you as someone who is just scared… man it gets so much easier to feel free and empowered and confident in any relationship you’re in.

Then you stop feeling like the victim. Then you actually let love in.

Most relationships don’t need better communication.
They need two people who are willing to tolerate the discomfort of honesty.

Because the moment truth becomes safer than protection, connection gets an actual chance. by @tanaimilgram

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4 months ago

In a world where ghosting has been normalized, rejecting someone is actually a sign of maturity and decency.

If you avoid saying “no” or telling someone you’re not interested, you never really build the muscle of being comfortable with your truth or with not people pleasing.

I recently got rejected (he doesn’t want to go on another date) and I deeply appreciated it. by @tanaimilgram

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10 months ago

Called this piece “A First Date Monologue” all my thoughts on an anxious first date.

Recently went on a date that somehow sent me into a mental spiral I hadn’t experienced in a WHILE.

Wondering if I was interesting enough, if I was asking him enough questions, if it was worth me being there when I already had so many reasons I didn’t think he’s a fit for me…literally every insecure thought you can have on a date, while actually also really enjoying our conversation 🤣

For most of my dating life, spiraling while sitting across from a man was pretty standard. So it felt like… “oh hello! Look who’s still here, the psycho in my brain!”

I got into my car and immediately wrote down every thought I was having, with the plan of reading them out loud to hopefully free myself from the absolute neuroticism happening in my head.

And now you get to hear them too. Here were some of my favorite lines: by @tanaimilgram

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2 days ago

Sometimes we get angry at people for not understanding something we’ve never actually told them.

I thought my mom was being mean and insensitive.

She thought she was commenting on an outfit and just playing the role of mom, telling me what to do 😜.

What she couldn’t see was that on those particular days, I already felt uncomfortable in my body. So what felt like a simple comment to her landed on something tender in me.

It would detonate a bomb inside me so I told her I wasn’t getting defensive because she was telling me what to do, it was hurting my feelings.

She wasn’t going to know that unless I let her into my experience.

We expect the people who love us to somehow know where all our tender spots are. They won’t always!! Even when they love us deeply.

“You hurt me” can start a fight.

“When you did that, this is what happened inside of me” can create understanding.

No need to have the perfect words or strategy when the intention is to let someone in. by @tanaimilgram

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12 days ago

On a recent date, we told each other our green, yellow, and red flags. Not what we look for in someone else. Our own.

Basically:

Here’s what makes me great to date.
Here’s what might make me hard to date.
Here’s where I’m still growing.

And I loved it! It was so refreshing. Just the right amount of edgy and vulnerable for me.

Totally the opposite of what most people are doing: spending a date convincing each other they are great people to date and pretending nothing is wrong with them… or at least hoping no one sees it.

Would you ever try it? by @tanaimilgram

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14 days ago

Everywhere I hear women want men to be more masculine and men want women to be more feminine.

But I wonder if what we’re really asking for is for each other to be more real.

For example, for men to stop being afraid to claim what they want, choose a direction, and risk getting it wrong.

Maybe that’s what women are craving. Not for them to “not have feelings.”

& for women to stop being afraid to express what they feel, what they desire, what they don’t want, and risk not being accepted. Not to stop being ambitious.

And of course it’s needless to say that it’s not that direction belongs to men and feeling belongs to women. We all have both, I’m just speaking to what I hear men and women yearn for.

When we’re afraid of rejection, failure, or getting it wrong, we start performing instead of expressing what’s actually there…deep in our hearts.

I want to see more women celebrate men in taking direction and more men celebrating women expressing their feelings. by @tanaimilgram

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15 days ago

I went to see @chriswillx live with friends this week and loved this little piece of advice he shared to women:

When you’re asking a man for something, try: “Will you be my hero and…?”

I love it because the request stays the same, but the energy behind it completely changes.

Instead of asking from criticism, frustration, or “why haven’t you done this already?”, you’re giving him an opportunity to feel good about showing up for you.

And I think we underestimate how much men want to feel useful, appreciated, and like their contribution actually matters.

What a simple way to ask! by @tanaimilgram

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16 days ago

When I was extremely avoidant, this is what it looked like to be in my brain.

I can’t say this is what goes on for everybody but I felt like sharing a little insight into what went on for me.

Idk why, but I’ve noticed like there’s a lot of mystery around what goes on exactly in the avoidant’s brain, I guess cause most of the time people who are severely avoidant are literally avoiding talking about it and shut people out.

I’ve worked on my avoidant attachment style for 16 years now and the truth is that I still have the urge to avoid, specifically intimacy and commitments.

At my most avoidant, I couldn’t even tell a man what was wrong. If something felt off, I HAD to leave. The anxiety felt absolutely unbearable so staying felt like I might actually die.

Leaving actually felt very important at the time because it was like an act of self-trust. Trusting myself to do what felt best for ME, even if it was totally irrational and based on a trauma response.

Why would I be scared to stay if I could handle whatever happened if I stayed?

I didn’t feel like I could handle it.

Before learning to feel safe staying, I had to learn why I felt the need to feel safe to begin with.

Underneath the need to get out, was the fear I wouldn’t be able to handle whatever would come, set boundaries, speak my truth, or meet my needs.

Maybe you can relate or it can help you understand a bit more about the avoidant brain. by @tanaimilgram

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20 days ago

This season’s feeling:

Like I’m not certain of anything and feeling more secure than ever.
Fat & ugly and very desirable.
Interested and bored.
So alive and not particularly turned on.
Delighted by life and .. hm. Don’t have one here. Just delighted.
Sensitive stomach. Greatest sleep in years.
Walking with determination and intention and feeling very lost.
Thriving and struggling.
Consuming lots, artistically expressing very little. Hope that changes soon.
Excited about walking through lots of doors that slam shut.
Pleasantly surprised at the ones that creak open and I get to walk inside.
Committing, unsure, and getting confidence through the process.
What is this season? Unnamed for now. Some sort of rebirth. by @tanaimilgram

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a month ago

A big thing I forgot to mention here is that this is also about confidence and self-esteem!!

It takes a lot of confidence and self-trust to be able to own what you need in intimacy! Sharing those things can be scary.

So this work is also about getting to feel how NORMAL AND OKAY IT IS TO WANT AND NEED WHATEVER YOU WANT AND NEED TO LET SOMEONE IN!

AND how whatever you need gets to be something that is not only respected by someone else, but it lights them up and excites them too!

We’re all craving the instruction manuals for each other’s hearts.

And when we own what we want we tell ourselves our needs our important and we get to ask for them to be honored. by @tanaimilgram

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a month ago

You can feel confident and completely yourself until you really like a man.

Suddenly, you’re worrying about what you say, trying to be desirable without seeming too interested and instead of getting to know him, you’re focused on whether he’s choosing you.

This used to be me most of my life and it was the most disempowering thing… I thought I’d never be able to feel like myself or safe with men.

But after years of working on relating with men, communication and nervous system awareness I learned how to shift the way I feel with men and help other women do the same.

In this live workshop, we’ll explore how to:

Stop performing or shrinking to be liked
Shift from “Does he like me?” to “How do I feel with him?”
Stay connected to what you want
Express interest without losing yourself
Let a man meet the real you

We’ll combine teaching, connection exercises, and live coaching to help you stay grounded and fully yourself especially when you really want someone to like you.

Comment below if you want to join! by @tanaimilgram

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a month ago