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Mama Tanya aka Tanya Denise

@tanyadenisefields

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This happened today. Bonus son broke my mirror. This mirror is one of my most beloved interior design aspects. It’s mad vintage, along with the wood paneling I feel like the apt has some of that 1970’s p0rn0 charm.

More importantly, it’s functional for my pole practice. The one I was excited to restart next week when I got clearance. Now the pole is on the flo’ and the mirror is broken beyond repair.

When it initially happened my anxiety which is already barely manageable kicked in. I was visibly on the cusp of a panic attack. My breathing was shallow, I started to sweat, and I just kept saying “Oh Bonus Son, oh no.” I could see the terror on his face.

I quickly retreated to the bedroom. I cried quietly, I put my head between my legs and tried to take slow breaths. I called my mother and asked for help to get me through it because what I saw was another thing to manage for which I did not have the help or spoons.

What I did NOT see or feel was some sort of misplaced blame. It was an accident. I did not have any misgivings about having this child in my home and I did not feel differently about him as a person…as a child.

I realized that a kid who has navigated neglect and abuse don’t know that tho. I gave myself 5 more minutes and then I asked him and Thomas to come into my bedroom. He was wrecked, sobbing, bracing himself. I reaffirmed that he was always going to be given grace and that he was always going to be loved.

I’m trying to take stock of the day. Sitting quietly in my room. Just the silence & I. Feeling the anxiety in my body that I’m abating by playing on loop in my brain that as parents it is our job to model nervous system regulation. That our children in real time must FEEL that they are worth the extra effort and that our stressors are not a justification for mishandling them or not leading with kindness and gentleness.

All kids deserve gentleness but kids who have been through shit above all. I’m so sad in a way that I feel silly about. I’m exhausted and not just physically but I’m still rooted in gratitude. I still feel blessed. Shit just real hard and it’d be nice if life could provide me more consistent by @tanyadenisefields

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5 months ago

Y’all keep asking us to remember the Gestapo and I contend that we do not need to remember them because we’ve lived with terror since the creation of The Union. Built literally on stolen land and watered with the blood of stolen Black bodies.

For 250 years we have tried to tell y’all. Long before the Gestapo who took their cues from the bloody history of this experiment called the United States.

And in that short 250 years we have made the tremendous human rights gains we have because we knew that revolution lived in our aje…our magic and that a large part of that is Radical Imagination.

Y’all didn’t listen before, you can listen now. A reminder that I think bares repeating. by @tanyadenisefields

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9 months ago

I burst into tears posting this. This Sweet Baby touched me so deeply. I actually factually LOVE her.

THIS is my WHY? This is what you’re supporting. I’m not even halfway there yet.

Y’all, you’re not just supporting me, you’re supporting the education, JOY and curiosity of babies like her. You’re supporting her family. You’re supporting audacious spaces of curiosity and imagination.

Link in my stories. by @tanyadenisefields

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a year ago

15 years: domestic violence, homelessness, two MO’ kids bringing the total to 6 and a dead baby daddy.

Also, a farm, 120 pound fat loss, rejuvenated titties, a community center, tripled my tiny budget making it a little budget 😂🤭🥴, multiple tv appearances, published in 3 books including a New York Times Bestseller, 3 kids in college, better housing, honored by Sodexo in Paris and some other awards and stuff I can’t remember.

Ya girl has staying power and stamina.

This work has not aged me, it has not killed me, it has not diminished my quality of life. I have made…choices. Some of them I wished I hadn’t made but I’ve learned. I’ve grown and I have overcome. If these Crackas don’t kill us my future is bright 🌞 help me move this next 15 years into a place of stability.

Help me keep the doors of the center open, feed our kids good food and create courageous spaces for our families.

L I N K in the B I O by @tanyadenisefields

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an hour ago

I want to know in what world you tell strangers on the internet some shit you supposedly want to tell a friend of over 30 years before you tell the actual friend?

Especially when you know they’ll see it. Holy Passive Aggressive Bull💩Batman.

This is what Black women mean when they say they’d rather just figure it out alone than ask for help, not because strangers will engage in gaslighting, finger pointing and whataboutism we expect that but because your own folks, so called friends and relatives will use your obstacle, challenge or stumble as a “I told you so” opportunity or project their own narratives and use your shit to validate that they made the right decision.

This wasn’t about me or concern for me because this lady is the type of lady who speaks directly and is not afraid of conflict, she could have reached out and said this to me FIRST. This was about using my vulnerability to pay herself on the back for making a different choice.

But let’s tell the whole truth, don’t prop me up as some downtrodden charity case who has been abused and doesn’t know when to call it quits while she spins her wheels. Tell of the successes that have fueled me and validated why I’ve had stamina for the last 15 years. And speaking of which, Friend, I cannot recall you ever congratulating me publicly or privately about any of them.

Curious. by @tanyadenisefields

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a day ago

Maybe an OF will do the trick! Lol Farm to Table Tiddies.

A little BTS and levity. And we needed it.

Listen, if this guaranteed saving the AFCC then I’d be fully on board. Anyways, L. I. N. K. in B. I. O.

Many hands make light work! by @tanyadenisefields

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2 days ago

Captain’s Log:

The grapes have come in and are ready to be harvested. I am not sure if we should harvest them for the Market Box or let volunteers harvest them at our Garlic Fest on Nov 7th.

Delusion has set in, I am talking not only to the plants and trees but the bees and the birds. I twerk with the chickens in the coop. I am the Morena Snow White.

I am continuing my arduous task of saving the Alice Fields community center, considering an OF to support my efforts. Farm to Table Titties, perhaps?

I kid, I kid.

This is what supporting BFP does. Not just keeping the center open but also enriching projects like Back Joy Farm and sustaining safe green spaces that deeply respect the natural environment and its creatures while yielding healthy farm to table food for residents!

Save the AFCC! Enrich the Black Joy Farm!
L. I. N. K. IN B. I. O.

So Booettes, should we put the grapes in the box or harvest them at the garlic fest? by @tanyadenisefields

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2 days ago

I urgently need y’all help because the possibility of closing this community center after all the work of building it out is very very VERY real.

I tried to do this on my own because asking for help, especially as a Black woman doing community work opens you up to all types of scrutiny. The way folks will proudly proclaim you a grifter is a bit more than I can withstand.

Some of y’all actually accused me of stealing my own peaches 🥴

And if they’re not calling you a grifter they expect you to do the shit you’re doing for free. One of yall asked why I was selling the eggs 😩

My eyes are red in this video because hours beforehand I had been sobbing. It took a minute for me to get myself together. And I’m still not sure this is the right decision but if I don’t mobilize an infusion of funds this center is going to close. All of my hard work at the most critical time will be for naught.

2024 damn near broke me, 2025 tried to compete, were finally getting some legs. In the background I’m negotiating things I cannot quite share yet (let’s just say networks) in the interim I’m going to need the help of y’all to hold us over.

Many hands make light work. I need y’all’s hands. Please. by @tanyadenisefields

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3 days ago

Life is wearing on me in ways I haven’t shared…but I will. Just not tonight because the highlight of the last few weeks was getting to spend two hours on some skates with good company.

During climate week I met a pretty impressive human at a panel. I recently saw them skating online and lamented how I had a pair of never used skates and really wanted to ascend my MILF status by learning to skate so I can spend the summer giving yall fever gliding down some boardwalk with a lollipop in my mouth, a flower in my hair and some barely there shorts. I mean I need to enjoy these gams and yams while they’re sitting pretty and relatively firm.

They offered to take me out to the pier and teach me. It was nice. We couldn’t afford skates when I was a kid and I’ve always wanted to learn. But mainly, people terrify me these days. I’ve been intentionally secluded and isolated and turning down many an invitation to hang out…forget dating. Not even on my radar.

This human had amazing energy from the time I met them so I said fuck it let me be bold and courageous and call their bluff. They proposed a time two days after the offer. A person about their business.

Nice.

I’m glad I went. I’m glad I connected. I’m glad I’m giving myself an opportunity to see if I can flex my intuitive muscles and nurture potential friendships.

I suggested I take them to my fave speakeasy jazz club after they mentioned they liked jazz. Immediately, yes this Saturday.

I guess I’m ready to be outside getting to know people again. Imma take a chance on trusting myself.

Progress. taken in Pier 76 by @tanyadenisefields

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4 days ago

I fear I’m in an abusive relationship with Meowcus Garvey…because why would he do me like that? by @tanyadenisefields

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7 days ago

by @tanyadenisefields

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7 days ago

Imma stop being a PusseeAzzHeaux and it would be my expressed pleasure if some of yall joined me.

Today’s Sunday Sermon. Check back at 5:30 I got some updates too 😜 by @tanyadenisefields

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7 days ago