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Kate, Waffle + Tugboat | Psychiatric Service Dog Team

@wafflenugget

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A Vermonter & her life-saving dogs.
My girls are my greatest gift.
This is our story.

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Our best girl took her last breath on the darkest day of the year.
But even though she is no longer walking beside us, sassy barking for snuggles or pawing me back to reality, she is not gone.

No.
Dr. Waffle will never be gone.

She is the beat of my heart,
the breath in my chest,
and most of all,
yes, most of all,
Waffle is the fight for love and belonging for all of us no matter the odds, heartbreak and hardship stacked against us.

I will spend the rest of my life fighting that good fight that she began as I honor the wisdom she taught me and Dave so beautifully:

Life is a both.
It’s street bagels and fugue states.
It’s mountaintops and icu stays.
It’s dreams come true and nightmares come alive
It’s the love of a life-saving dog and the life you must live after she is no longer breathing.

Yes, life is a both and it’s actually not about changing that.
It’s not about changing that at all.

It’s about being brave enough to do it together.
Yes,
It’s about being brave enough to open yourself up fully and love through it all even and especially when it hurts like hell.

~

Thank you for being brave enough to do it with us and love us through it all, especially when it hurt like hell.

💜 taken in Vermont by @wafflenugget

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9 months ago

DISSOCIATIVE FUGUE x SERVICE DOGS — let’s get into it and tackle some stigma today 🙌💜🤸

Waffle and tugboat are medical alert and ptsd service dogs.

They are trained to alert for high cortisol — what happens in a body that is dysregulated and has an activated sympathetic (stress response) nervous system.

When they smell my heightened cortisol, they give me an alert paw.

This paw is a signal to me to either start deep pressure therapy or engage in an activity that regulates my nervous system — breath work, cold plunging, dork dance, exercise, etc.

Fugue states occur when a body is deeply traumatized and believes it “needs” to sever its connection with reality to protect itself. This happens in a very dysregulated state — ie when I have peak cortisol.

Though their alerts are incredibly helpful in avoiding fugue states most of the time, the best way to prevent fugue states is with prevention — managing stress and minimizing prolonged states of activation.

Of course, a life with PTSD is inherently stressful so this is why my girls are so helpful to me — they tell me when I am on my way to having a fugue state so I can do the work necessary to regulate myself.

Simply, we are a team when it comes to handling fugue states. I do everything I can to keep my nervous system and body regulated and they alert me when those measures aren’t sufficient.

It’s important to know — when fugue states do happen — it’s not for lack of the girls alerts. It’s because my body was hellbent on severing its connection with reality due to a trigger/series of triggers. In these cases, when I come to, I am still endlessly grateful to have them by my side.

For example, the girls were both alerting me incessantly before I had the fugue state a month ago. I simply was not able to regulate myself adequately with the pronounced stress of that time.

Let me know if that answers your questions and ask any others that come to mind. As always — kind curiosity is forever welcome!

Kindly,
Kate

___________________
#ptsd #ptsdservicedog #medicalalertdog #ptsdrecovery #seriousmentalillness by @wafflenugget

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2 years ago

Two turkey legs & my mental health story for the many of you who have asked :)

I’m @kate_speer - most notably, Waffle + Tug’s momma.

In addition to that, I am a public health strategist @harvardchanchc & am wife to a brilliant environmental scientist, sister to two rad sisters & daughter of two doctors. I am also a mental health advocate, TEDx speaker, writer & of course, glorious goofball.

We currently live in Norwich, Vermont right next to Dartmouth College where Dave does research. He is also a tenure track faculty @colbysawyercollege.

As many of you have discovered recently, I am outspoken (AF) about mental illness because unlike my friends who I spent my 20s with in psych wards, I made it out alive.

Before I dive into that backstory , please know I am not my illness OR my psychiatric history and I am not sharing this for pity or attention whatsoever.

I was diagnosed with a learning disability - a processing disorder - at age 7 and as a result, grew up in special ed. Due to my high IQ, I grew up separate from most kids with an IEP. The special treatment is why I now love to write but unfortunately, at my young age, I thought it made me “different” in a bad way and it led to self esteem issues I mismanaged with binge eating.

Although my IQ and athleticism empowered acceptance and incredible friends through my youth and childhood years, I could not overcome the demons in my head which led to a serious depression my sophomore year in high school. At 16, I was diagnosed with depression and ADHD and unfortunately two short years later, I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 18.

This misdiagnosis would plague the next 9 years of my life.

From 18-27, my doctors prescribed treatment and medication for bipolar disorder - an illness I now know I do not have. During that time, however, while the doctors believed I did have bipolar disorder, the meds I was prescribed created symptoms of bipolar disorder - mood lability, suicidality, depression, hypomania and hallucinations - thus perpetuating the misdiagnosis even further.

During this time, I was hospitalized 21 times and struggled with 7 years of intense, medication-induced psychosis...
continued 👇 by @wafflenugget

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6 years ago

Today is your day.
The day you came home with us.
The day you made me a mom and us a family.

I know it sounds absurd
But I keep hoping you’ll just walk through the door.
I keep hoping that this entire thing has been one of the worst relapses of my life — a terrible mess involving 7 whole weeks of lost time.

But then
Tug alerts me mid afternoon and your barking rebuke does not follow.
There is no sassy commentary from your grinning Queen of a self about how Tug should have approached more slowly and placed her paw even more gently upon my beating chest.

Yes then, in hopes I’ll return to my body and you — to the timeline where we were together for always, I take a cold shower that brings me earthside once more and there is still no thwap of your tail on the bathroom floor.
There is still no sweet neck nuzzle as I collapse upon it weeping.

But still, ever still, I keep hoping
I keep hoping that you will just walk through the door.
I keep hoping that this is just the biggest mess of my mind’s own making.

But my girl,
The silence keeps going
The ache in my heart keeps growing
And your daddy and I keep waiting
Minute after minute
Hour after hour
Day after day
As we snuggle and sob

For you,
my beloved,
You have yet to come home.

~

Happy Valentines Day, my girl. There are not words for how much I miss you and how much I wish I could spend this eleventh valentines with you in my arms. I have never been as wildly heartbroken as I am right now, but oh what an honor it is to know love so big it shatters me entirely and brings me all the way to my knees.

I miss you madly.
I love you the absolute mostest.
And above all, my sweet girl, thank you for everything.

💜💜💜 by @wafflenugget

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8 months ago

How is Tug navigating Waffle’s death? Does she miss her? How am I?
 I know you all mean it with love and I am so grateful for that love. Unfortunately, it’s a bigger question than it sounds.

The truth is: the last year of Waffle’s life was medically brutal — she had health crisis after health crisis and it created ripple effects I didn’t know how to talk about while I was in it.

My sweet Waffle was in pain due to what we now know was a severe jaw infection that her cancer medication created. This resulted in her being stressed and understandably, in constant need to be bonded beside me.

At the same time, Tug had (loads of) energy and a desire to help but when she tasked, it stressed out Waffle so Waffle would bark at her.

This meant that for a stretch, Tug tasking came with negative feedback and stress — the exact opposite thing you want to happen.

I did my best. I loved my girls through it all and I always will. It just put us in a really tough spot.

So now, amidst navigating extreme grief, we’re rebuilding from the ground up:

* choice + agency (Tug gets to decide)
* positive reinforcement (so many cookies)
* more support structures for both of us, so her load is lighter
* I’ve applied for a program dog as a backup but that usually takes three years.

The great news is that she can still task (and seems to love doing it) when my safety is of concern (like driving), and I’m so grateful.

The issue is her stamina. She gets exhausted after an hour or two.

Above all, I’m committed to this: Tug does not owe anyone productivity to be loved. Not me, not the internet, not the system. Ever.

Tug is a best girl always and whether she chooses part-time work, different work, or no work… she will still be my best girl.

We’re going to be okay, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now and we’ll keep you posted.

Thank you for being here with us and loving us through it all — truly. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. by @wafflenugget

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8 months ago

She wakes me before the sunrise.

Gentle sweet grumbles and sometimes, a loving paw punch to my chest.

Mom.
Mom.
You don’t want to miss it.
Another day is beginning.
Another day — together — You and me.

I keep trying to freeze those moments — to etch them fully in my mind
The morning snuggle marathon that lasts well past sunrise.
The snow smackerels and snowbank sits.

Yes, I keep trying to feel them fully — to live them entirely.
Each step of our walk
Each flap of her ear as the snow falls and her smile beams out the window in pure joy.

Yes, I keep trying
To stay earthside with my girl
To recover enough from my ptsd amnesia and dissociative fugue to remember the truth I’ve lived these past 11 years — a truth I will know in my breath, body and being even on the days my memory refuses to cooperate and my body is hellbent to lose time:

I am her and she is me.

Yes, I am her and she is me.

And as long as one of us is still breathing — we will forever still be here.

Yes, as long as one of us is breathing we will still be here to watch the sunrise, to live earthside and to drive in every blizzard, smiles a blazing with the windows all the way down.

💜💜💜 by @wafflenugget

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10 months ago

Our miracle bear is 11! 🥳💜😘

What a gift she is and how infinitely grateful we are for her.

I honestly don’t have the bandwidth to type the full cancer update but I refuse to not celebrate her today because of these sad results.

I also live the duality of life and holy heck, is this one of those both/and kind of days.

No matter what, I will forever honor her and SHE IS STILL HERE!

She’s also not showing symptoms at all just yet.

So, for now I’m off to sit in a snowbank with my best girl and honor her exactly the way she deserves — with love — relentless love.

Wishing you all a day. Thank you for being here.

Waffle strong.
Kate, Dave, Waffle + Tuggie by @wafflenugget

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10 months ago

Waffy Health update — good + also tricky news👇💜

Great news first!!!

Waffle’s Chest + belly are clear — there are no masses. This means it’s been 18 months with no resurgence of her lung cancer. Holy wow. This is such a gift.

Tricky news next 👇

Waffle has one enlarged lymph node near her colon. It is 3cm instead of 1cm. Her oncologist did a full anal sac evaluation (lucky both of them) and luckily, there were no masses that she could feel.

The swollen lymph node could be lymphoma, histio, another cancer, or something benign. Sometimes, you never even know why they swell.

Her oncologist aspirated it + sent the sample to pathology. We will hear results next week.

At this point, we are committed to waffles quality of life above all else. We do not want to put her through anything traumatic or painful. That’s all I know and I’m trying to not get ahead of myself.

The vets also did a full blood panel. Waffle has been navigating liver challenges and hypothyroidism in addition to her infected jaw so we want to make sure her current medication regimen is working, sufficient and not harming her in any way.

Though yesterday I had allllll the feelings about this — cue the weeping — this morning I’m just so happy she’s still here and leaning into the truth:

We have had the most incredible time together.

It’s not over yet.

she is still here!!!

She is still sassing, snuggling and being her sweet queenie self.

She turns 11 next week!

That is just beyond. The average lifespan for Bernese Mountain Dog is 7 years and considering all she has fought her way through — spleen rupture, emergency splenectomy, 7 days in the ICU, breaking her back, hind leg paralysis, spine surgery and cancer surgery & treatment — we are nothing but grateful.

The only thing I ever wanted was to give waffle a best day for as long as best days are possible — to honor her the way she honors me, with unabashed & unconditional love.

We are doing exactly that and what a gift the whole of it — anticipatory grief included — is to me and our life.

We’ll keep you all posted.

Thank you — truly — for being here with us. It is an honor & gift.

Snuggles and love,
Kate, Dave, Waffle + Tuggie by @wafflenugget

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10 months ago

The snow arrived in Vermont this week. It is absolutely stunning. There is just something remarkable about it. The brightness it brings. The clean slate it offers. The deep and true quiet it ushers in. And of course, the snowmersaults and snow smackerels of my one best bear.

I’ve been leaning hard into winter comforts as of late — chicken nuggets, massive mugs of cocoa, bubble baths, and slow, oh-so bundled walks with Waffle up the road where she, my beloved queen, decides the pace we take and the sniffs we savor.

I, myself, have been trying to savor every second I have with her. She turns eleven next week. I can hardly believe it. And oh, what a gift. Then again, the lives she’s lived, the odds she’s defied, and all the health challenges she’s survived these many years.

If you’re reading this on Friday morning and have a spare well wish to pass along, we’d so appreciate it. We’ll be at her oncologists doing recheck scans today, and any love you can spare would be so deeply felt and cherished by us.

Of course, I know I can’t stop time or control what the scans show. All I can do is love her. All I can do is be grateful that I get to love her. Yes, all I can do is hold her paw, work from beside her in her snowbank while she is still here, and cherish every single moment of her sweetness, her sass, and her snuggles.

The other thing I can do, and goodness knows I need everything possible to distract myself when I weather these cancer rechecks, is write about her. Yes, the other thing I can do is share the story of how this one-in-a-billion bear saved my life.

So, this week, I continue with that story. To read it, head to the 🔗👆

And this week, from us, in our snowbank, I send love. by @wafflenugget

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10 months ago

The audacity to suggest going inside in a snow storm 🙃

Follow @wafflenugget for more sassy senior dog shenanigans and psychiatric service team adventures 💜

#bernesemountaindog #vermont #snow #seniordog by @wafflenugget

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10 months ago

I always wanted to write this but wanting to write the story and being able to write it are very different, especially for people with severe ptsd like me.

But recently, something shifted.

Maybe it was the intensive trauma therapy.

Maybe it was doing all the somatic work so I could return to my body.

Or maybe it was Waffy sassily side-eyeing me into it.

Either way — I’ve started writing the book you’ve all asked me for since well, ten years ago lol:

With love and Wafflenugget

I’m serializing it chapter by chapter in my newsletter.

It’s absolutely free to join and if you’d care to learn the story of how love and a dog named waffle saves my life and helped me navigate serious mental illness, well, this is for you and you can join at the 🔗 👆

As always, thank you for being here with us.

Also massive shoutout to @ruffwear for the cookie pocket. My gal deserves to be paid for her hard work, after all.

Wishing you all a day 💜😘

Kindly,
Kate, Waffy + Tug

Follow @wafflenugget for the adventures and honest stories of a Vermont-based psychiatric service dog team. by @wafflenugget

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10 months ago

What a gift Jane Goodall was to this world. And what a gift her wisdom forever will be. by @wafflenugget

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a year ago