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Tilly, Queen of Cattitude

@thetilderbeast

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A British Shorthair serving looks and shade since 2008
Blog @maybehood_

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*BREAKING MEWS*

Tilly: "Liz! Dolly! Gloria! Yayoi! It's happening!"
The Queen: "Do you need a double dubonnet Matilda? At least it's not a child of yours had up for being a - what do they call it?"
Tilly: "A nonce, Liz."
The Queen: "ah yes. One of those."
Gloria, patting Liz: "The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."
The Queen: "It did."
Dolly: "Well ain't Paddy a sight for sore eyes! Is he up to some hillbilly hubba hubba?"
Tilly: "In my breeder's dreams. Perhaps he's been firing blanks. Must say, back in the day I would have ridden him like a pony.....ah." Her voice softens. "Dave's fucked. Annabel and Provider 3 love him."
Yayoi: "You and me, we are dots. Paddy is one big dot and polka dots can't stay alone..."
Tilly: "I know that Yayoi but Dave won't have two dots darling. Probably why Annabel's gone for a dime bar as big as two cats." *sniffles. "It was only a matter of time I know. Provider Three has found my flight to the sky particularly challenging. Talks about me every night."
Dolly: "Well, looks like this is a done deal. Love 1, Dave 0. Shall we celebrate? Liz, pass that liquor of yours!"
Tilly: "He says he's 4 out of 10 excited. Humbling when you realise your greatest work isn't finished."
Gloria: "Breaking men Tilly is never the answer..."
Tilly: "Getting another british shorthair is."

I am delighted to announce that we will be rehoming one year old ex stud Paddy very soon! Another High Brooms boy, he comes from Tilly's amazing breeder and with her blessing ❤️ Thank you to everyone who has put up with my unhinged CAT UPDATES and those who have supported JOWLS all the way. It is a strange, delicate feeling opening our hearts to another; I am equally ecstatic to have him and sad over my girl. As my friend Laura said, the only way to get over a cat is to get under another.

And I cannot wait to get under this 6kg still two years to grow gentle big boy 🇮🇪❤️ #Paddy #Irish #Rehome #Britishblue taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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a month ago

It was either a trip down memory lane, or forensically picking apart Reform councillors wanging on about IVF being a lifestyle choice.....

Thank you for all of your gorgeous comments, texts, and voicenotes about Tils. Today my son said, "Tilly's in the sky Mummy but she told me she wants to come home."

Darling, I wish she could.

Tell me about your pets keeping you afloat through Life's Shit?

#catsofınstagram #britishshorthair #unexplainedinfertility #thetilderbeast #ivfsupport taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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4 months ago

Tilly: It's time
Provider One: No. We're not ready.
Tilly: Have you looked at the news? Jesus christ, I think I bloody am. *nuzzles Provider One. Provider Two, get a pen. Time to write my oBITCHuary. Less of your Dignicat jokes please Dave.
Provider Two: *blinking rapidly Too soon?
Tilly: (looks sadly at Annabel crying) Yes. Now. Help me onto my blanket.
Provider One: I don't know how we are going to be without you. I don’t understand a home without you in it. I can't.
Tilly: I know darling. But I'm tired. As Mog said, dead tired. You've got Provider Three. We did it. My boy. He doesn't like dogs, loves cats. Apart from taking down Trump, Farage, birth inequity and the patriarchy, my work here is done. *looks up lovingly at Provider Two, who is now crying quietly. Dave, don’t be an idiot when the time comes. You know you're having another british shorthair and I'll do my best to help you pick an icon just like me. A reassuringly expensive icon. Just get the pet insurance this time.
Provider One: *heaving with tears How about first sentence, "She died as she liv-id?"
Tilly: Christ. Hope this book of yours is better than that. Make sure I'm in it. Also, I know you're the only one in your NCT group not to have one, but don't go getting a shit tattoo of me ok? Think before you ink.

P1 and P2 nuzzle closer with Tilly.

Tilly: Over fourteen years together as a family. Marriage, miscarriage, divorce, pandemics, functioning bulimia, breaking Dave, political disintegration, hot vet, Royal Family beef, work, IVF, birth, not sleeping, redundancy, moving house, dodgy hearts, passive aggressive toileting, rehoming myself when he was born, my sustainability policy when it came to greeting cards....we've been through it all. Ah, those vet bills. Dave, I'm sorry I shat in your slipper but also I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Don't turn down the Scrumbles pet food advertising campaign next time Annabel. I....I love you both.

Continued in comments..... taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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5 months ago

17🎂🍾🥂✌🏻 It's been a hot minute in this hellscape and despite Provider Two's twittery that I'll be sent off, Viking style, burning into glory on south east London's finest lake to the Great Pink Chair in the Sky, I remain here: earthside, sofa bound and still very, very fucked off.

Less photo dump, more actual dump - yes, I shat by the new front door this morning for the first time in months because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY - I have spent the last year watching the news in abject horror. Every witty, pithy, sarcastic, satirical thing I might have posted has appeared quite honestly unnecessary in the face of such inhuman suffering in the horror of Gaza. There has been very little to take the piss out of, although when Provider 3 asked Provider 2 if his penis "was ginormous" I did try.

So here I am. I do his bedtimes (picture 1), jump on his bed, let him pick me up and tolerate his kisses. He's cat mad as he should well be, quite fucking frankly. Shout out as well to my birthday twin Tom who called me a boomer today. Try not to step in my wee when you see me.

Lastly, my thoughts to all the amazing cats on here who have gone on ahead. I'm toasting you all 🥂❤️

Provider 3 is bringing me a chocolate and tuna cake tonight he says. Big boy, big dreams, big talk. Despite my face and better judgement, I love him.

#birthdaycat #thetilderbeast #itsmybirthday❤️ #sweetseventeen #CatsofInstagram taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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a year ago

PROOF OF LIFE: OH HEYYYYY, just me with my new handler @annawetherell protecting what's left of my reproductive rights in a retirement home that's more renovation than relaxation - and that was before the Orange Fascist got back in. What's an octogenarian former breeding queen gonna do? Obviously, mothering Provider 3 is for wimps but it is kinda cute when he says, "I love cats."

Like he has a fucking choice.

You can only control the controllables and between consoling Kamala, bollocking Joe Biden, blocking Keir Starmer (because: selling arms and THAT Siberian), and refusing to advise King Charles anymore on the Prince Paedo, sorry Andrew, sorry Archbishop of Canters problem), I have barely had a hot minute to enjoy a brat summer. One can only hope Christmas provides some much needed respite where everyone slings their claws and leaves me to it.

How much fuck do they need to the off?

Love and light to you and yours 😾😘

PS: Jilly Cooper, I am ready and waiting for Rivals 2

#thetilderbeast #catsofinstagram #haveyoumissedme taken in London by @thetilderbeast

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2 years ago

"Still alive, unlike the Conservative party" ✌🏻🥂🎈
#happybirthdaytome🎉
#sweetsixteen
#InMyMadonnaEra
#EightyandHatey
#onlyfans

Another turn around the sun; another year of fielding calls from our political, royal and geo-pawlitical echelons. No Rishi, I won't send P3 to Rwanda, but thanks for offering. Despite parenting again in my seventies - very Robert de Niro - I've not just survived; I have thrived, thanks to the spare room and being 100% unavailable during child rearing hours. The world burns and the socials churn. Who knows what fresh hell my octogenarian era will bring - apart from the Genny Lec - but Trump's prosecution is a cracking start 😎

And yes, I continue to produce South east London's finest manure twice a day on my doormat. Don't say I don't give back 🤌🏻

📸 thanks to HRH Kate for my non photoshopped birthday photos by @thetilderbeast

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2 years ago

It's 2024. Time for a little About Me

Thanks for sticking around while I dodge King Charles' desperate calls about Prince Andrew, quietly advise Rishi Sunak to go lie in a ditch and rediscover my parenting skills with Provider 3.

I'm fifteen, shitting on expensive @ruggable
doormats and wondering how many laps I'd sit on in Saltburn. Not the bathtub though. I wouldn't lick that.

Tell me a little about yourself below?

#thetilderbeast
#DontDoSocials
#catsofinstagram taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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3 years ago

Gen Z call it a photo dump; I take an actual dump on my @ruggable washable doormat. Was it a Merry Catmas co-existing with a despot? I'll let you decide 😾

Also: if the Royal Family can welcome Fergie back into the fold.......ceasefire. Now.

Wishing you all a safe and toddler / Tory free Mew Year 🌟

#catmas
#toddler
#RetirementRuined taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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3 years ago

Fans and frenemies, it's been a hot minute. Here I am, despairing at the state of humanity and ignoring the vinegar Provider Two sloshes by the front door / Rishi Sunak's calls (in that order) when P3 said "Tilly." 🙀 It walks, it shits and now apparently it talks.

Halloween? Living my own fucking nightmare thanks 🧙‍♀️👶🎃

#thetilderbeast
#retirementgonnagetviolent taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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3 years ago

P1: "Tilly, what advice do you have for felines and indeed anyone negotiating later life challenges?"
TB: "Stay toxic."
.
.
.
.

#ItsBritishShorthairBitch #staytoxic #britishshorthaircat #catsofinstagram #thetilderbeast taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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3 years ago

P3: *😻*
TB: "You may have won this battle but I will win The Fucking War.'

#siblings
#thetilderbeast
#love taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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3 years ago

P3: *😻* "Will you come to my first birthday party, Tilly?"
TB: "Will you turn me into a piñata and will I respond by shitting all over the house? Yes. Yes, I will."

I did my best not to overshadow P3 at his own party, but what can I say? My light will not be dimmed. Probably why Rishi blocked my entry to the House of Bores. 🤷‍♀️

**No TBs were harmed in the making of this piñata 🪅 **
**Yes I shat under his high chair**

#catpinata
#catsofinstagram
#firstbirthdayparty
#worstbirthdayparty

Thank you, @luluhikes
for your dark AF idea and @misssophieirish for the facial and overall execution 🤣🪅 taken in London, United Kingdom by @thetilderbeast

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3 years ago