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Ilalang Dzahira Anwar

@thisisilalang

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Discontinuity of self.
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I can talk to God, go bangin' on His door. taken in Great Mosque of Mecca by @thisisilalang

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4 years ago

Kemarin adalah hari pertamaku berumur dua puluh satu tahun. Rasanya aneh saja, persis seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Aku bangun, minum air, dan duduk termenung. Ini peringatan bahwa hidupku sudah berkurang. Apa yang mesti kuceriakan?

Ubing turun dari lantai dua. Dia bilang selamat, dan mendoakan aku agar selalu sehat. "Hehe. Makasih, Bing," kataku sebelum berpelukan. Agak lucu, menurutku. Dialah yang perlu bersusah-payah mengeluarkan jasadku, dua puluh satu tahun lalu. Seingatku, saat itu aku sama sekali tak membantu. Kenapa justru dia yang menyelamati aku?

Ayah dan sejumlah teman menyapaku, berharap supaya aku bisa ini-itu. Kubaca satu-satu, terharu semata-mata karena tak mampu mengatakan semua hal itu buat diriku. Aku tak berusaha sedikit pun dalam memilih tanggal lahir ini, lalu apa gunanya bikin selebrasi? Segala hal yang bersifat pemberian tentu bukanlah pencapaian—lantas apa urgensiku untuk merayakan?

Ha. Barangkali jawabannya tidak terletak di tanggal kelahiran, melainkan pada hari-hari selama aku menjalani kehidupan. Esensinya, kurasa, mereka mengganggap bahwa hidupku lumayan layak buat dirayakan; bahwa kelanjutan eksistensiku cukup relevan untuk mereka doakan.

Seulas senyuman perlahan berkembang. Kini tinggal aku yang belum ikut merayakan. Persis seperti kejadian dua puluh satu tahun lalu, ketika jiwa-jiwa di sebuah ruang persalinan terlihat sangat senang melihat bayi manusia yang menangis sebagai seorang Ilalang. taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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6 years ago

There's something gloomy in the corners of my room. For these past few weeks, I'm feeling drained and unenergized all the time. Almost nothing can fulfill me. Not even strolling around town for hours, nor the sound of raindrops falling on my rooftop. Sure, I've patched my leaked ceiling, but it doesn't make me any more happier. Same goes with my monitor, and a mechanical keyboard that I can finally bought several weeks earlier.

Couple of good friends want to have a conversation, but I don't have any energy to respond. I'm unable to pour from an empty cup. Airplane Mode all the way, and top it off with Do Not Disturb every single day. Turning my phone off, rolling cigarettes with a little bit of grinded cloves. I might buy some Zoloft, because I can't tell this s*** to f*** off.

"Nobody cares. Grind harder," I said to myself. Everyone got their struggles, and I believe you have to reach a certain point in your life to make yours worth telling. Questioning my own existence and mortality since I was sixteen definitely isn't fun, but somehow, it's always stuck in my mind.

Baby Keem released an album, and it has been on repeat ever since. I was reminiscing a lot, you know? Things I did right, things I did wrong. People I've loved, people I've not. Ideas I've wrote, countless photographs I've made. Everything. It felt so draining, but I'm going to try my best to make it fulfilling. Yes, all over again. All over again, until I'm laying down in my deathbed and think that it's all over.

"C'est fini," I'll say it softly. Beautiful as a poetry. 🥀 taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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5 years ago

Jangan ngiler sama sushi gua kalau enggan peduli sama susah gua. by @thisisilalang

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18 days ago

Drown me, I'm dying of thirst. taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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5 years ago

Lately I've been playing Dark Souls Remastered and it got me thinking about the way fate, longing, hopelessness, and spirit intertwine. Looking back, I think I had a pretty good run. Days chock-full of life, pens chock-full of thoughts. Now it hasn't been much, and I myself am surprised to realize that it can be a good thing too. Simply putting one foot in front of the other can be the most audacious thing you do. Did I miss it? Yeah. But more than that, I am glad it actually happened. A friend of mine told me that he's been keeping track of his small wins out there. Finally bought an iPod. Read a few pages every week. Walked to an ice cream store and saw the sunset on his way back. Counting your blessings. Another friend sent me some pictures of her train trip in India. Mountain ranges, swathes of land. They didn't look too different from the scenery out here in Indonesia. Received a YouTube link to someone's gamelan recital. I had to pause my Artemis livestream the other day just to watch him play all the way from Pittsburgh with his uni friends. Life goes on. There's so much stuff going on in the world and maybe it serves as a reminder that you should go on too. Get out of your head. Leave everything in yesterday. World Cup euphoria is brewing, even though I don't particularly watch soccer. But I know my dad does. So do a lot of my friends. So does everyone else I passed by in my local market, bus station, and alleyways. Knicks in 5. Kids getting riled up every time I say 6-7. As long as I have something in my pocket to make sure that I 8, 9 times out of 10 I should worry less and embrace more.

Crispy garlic squid with confit cloves and red beans over rice, homemade sambal, and a hand-rolled botanical blend of dried flowers and herbs. April 2024. 🥗🌾 taken in Kidang Nyaring by @thisisilalang

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4 months ago

Walking fast, faces pass, and I'm homebound. 💛 taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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4 years ago

Okay, Milo. I'll make sure to keep my distance. 🌱🐾 taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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5 years ago

Hal-hal cerah dan kekuningan (yang, tentu saja, nyaris tak mungkin kamu temukan kalau selalu gengsi buat jalan). ☀️ Photograph of a woman holding a white, fuzzy cat. taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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4 years ago

Should we hike somewhere and find out whether that plant right beside your feet is a Rocky Mountain Woodsia—or perhaps, an Oregon one? Could be wrong, so I'm asking for a frond. 🌿 taken in Lembang by @thisisilalang

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4 years ago

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 🌼😽 taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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4 years ago

Beberapa waktu lalu aku menyempatkan jalan kaki sendirian ke Cijengkol buat menyia-nyiakan sore hari. Musik disetel tanpa henti, tapi tak ada yang bisa menggugah hati. Lil Uzi Vert terengah-engah menyemangatiku, pun Aretha Franklin yang sempat ampuh bikin hangat, dahulu.

Disosiasi telah jadi masalah terberatku hingga minggu lalu. Perasaan kosong itu seolah terus membatu, bikin aku datar dan hampa selalu. Ha, lucu kalau dipikir-pikir: sekarang aku jadi tahu emosi polar dari jatuh cinta yang pernah kubahas beberapa waktu itu.

Kini semua benda terasa menjemukan, begitu juga cahaya dan segala jenis aroma udara. Daun-daun gugur semata-mata tergeletak buat mengganggu mata, dan deru sungai sengaja berisik untuk merusak gendang telinga. Kujauhi diriku sendiri, kuasingkan segala emosi dalam hati. Kuharap kekosongan itu bisa tertinggal di belakang dan tak kembali, tapi langkah kaki malah terus-menerus menyuruhku berhenti.

OK, kuturuti. Toh segala hal ini tak berarti. Kusesali performa kerja dan kuliah akhir-akhir ini. Hari-hari tak bermakna sama sekali. Uang menipis perlahan tapi pasti, namun daftar wishlist tetaplah abadi. Seolah butuh barcode untuk menghargai diri sendiri, seperti asyik bila aku bisa alih profesi jadi pelukis demi mewarnai kekosongan hati.

Aku mendongak, melihat langit yang hitam-putih dari tadi. Betapa tenangnya bila aku bisa jadi petani jagung di Tennessee, setiap sore nonton televisi bareng seekor Border Collie yang kuadopsi. Kusesap kopi. Asap mengepul dari kedua hidungku, satu helaan napas menyapu senyuman getir yang kuberi.

John Mayer tampil kali ini: mau meratap, minta tolong siapa pun buat menghentikan kereta yang dia tumpangi. "Ha, sama. Aku juga, John Mayer, berada di gerbong yang sama. Maaf tak bisa bantu apa-apa." Dia diam saja karena belum bagiannya.

"No, I'm not colorblind: I know the world is black and white," katanya sebagai pembuka, sekonyong-konyong bikin hangat kulit dan mata.

"Ah, bisa saja," kataku seraya berbaring di pinggir tebing, tepat sebelum langit perlahan kembali berwarna. taken in Bandung by @thisisilalang

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6 years ago